


breathe into me (숨)

by onlywheniwalkaway



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Babysitting, Domestic Fluff, Explicit Sexual Content, Failed Attempt at Literature, Graphic Depictions of Illness, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Military Inaccuracies, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Self-Discovery, Self-Harm, Siblings Kim Jongdae | Chen & Kim Jongin | Kai, Single Parent Park Chanyeol, Single Parents, Slow Burn, Soldier Kim Junmyeon | Suho, Soldiers, Violent Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:54:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 82,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25140454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlywheniwalkaway/pseuds/onlywheniwalkaway
Summary: a broken soldier found comfort in a family of three, spending his days babysitting the twins and falling in love with the clumsy tall single father.
Relationships: Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 29
Kudos: 88





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written on Wattpad for so long, I thought I should let the mxm genre thrive on this platform as well.
> 
> AND this story isn't as graphic as it's tagged? I don't know. There's going to be one hell of a slow burn. like really really slow, guys! I'm taking it slow this relationship.

* * *

* * *

_He breathed in the new air. The new neighborhood. The new season. Everything drowned his senses in flowers and freshly cut grass. As he wandered around looking for a place to stay, drown in sorrow, and reflect back on his past, a certain leaflet caught his eyes. He thought back to the days he spent looking after children and babies, the joy and the simplicity of taking care of another pure being, remembering the fondness he had for the little creatures and not having to deal with the cruel adults. Kim Junmyeon was a simple man. He gently tore off the paper from the notice board and started walking, a hopeful smile on his lips._

* * *

A sharp cry pierced the man's ear, disrupting his peaceful sleep. Well, _peaceful_ was actually an understatement. Stirring his head to the small voices, he pushed himself off the couch with a loud thud. It was always a nice way to wake up.

Chanyeol fluttered his eyes open and the clocked screamed 7:30 am into his face, and now he was finally awake.

"JONGIN! JONGDAE!" the loudest voice he could muster boomed the whole apartment. Chanyeol struggled to find his way through all the clutter that was Naruto stuff toys and figurines, stepping on the sharpest and angriest Captain America in town before letting out another sharp whimper. He really needed to clean this place up at one point.

"Appa!" Of course, Jongin was already crying, his pants a mess and soaked.

"oh, Jesus Christ. Come come, our Nini is going to be late for school and nobody wants that no?" the biggest pout Chanyeol put out as he picked up the little boy with all the tenderness in his heart. "Oh, Daedae, come come! Let's hurry! To the shower!"

"Yay! Shower!" Chanyeol was more than tired as he dragged Jongdae who was clinging on his long leg, pretending that his father's limb was some sort of transportation and of course, Chanyeol almost passed out as he bumped into the wall that was too low for his liking.

He had twenty minutes before the bus left, so with all of his strength, Chanyeol furiously and swiftly took off the boys' clothes and let the shower spray on their hotheads, eliciting loud cries of excitement and giggles.

"Appa! Join us!" Jongdae clawed at his feet as Chanyeol took the soap and quickly rubbed it against Jongin. Hopefully, that was enough for the cleaning. He had to do some serious laundry, too. Poor boys, maybe he should buy them new clothes, but at this rate, they couldn't go shopping without him spinning his head around his a crazy out of control washing machine.

"Ani~~ We have to hurry, okay? Appa promise to play with you later, okay?" Jongin's cries were slowing to a stop as he cooed at the little boy for doing a great job at washing himself.

"Can Nemo play with us too?" Jongin muttered with the softest voice, and Chanyeol was whipped, leaning in to place a big wet kiss on the little boy's forehead.

"Of course, Nini, Nemo can join us anytime." What followed were the little boys' giggles at his attempts to tickle them while they were enjoying their quick baths.

"Hands." Chanyeol held the shirt out for Jongdae, and the kid was more than excited to spread his arms and pushed his small hands through the tiny sleeves, fitting into the uniforms. "Omo! My boys are so handsome!"

The little boys hummed happily as their father combed their hair, styling it into normal bowl cuts. Chanyeol then reminded himself to give them a haircut; the strands were getting longer and they could be hurting his precious boys' eyes.

The man quickly rushed to the fridge for the packaged breakfast he had for them. It was always a problem that they were late for school without breakfast, so Chanyeol devised his schedule further, waking up at 4 in the morning to prepare breakfast for the boys before knocking himself out on the couch once more.

The yellow hoodie he had on was slowly seeping out the stench from yesterday's excessive sweat. As the boys brought their own bags, Chanyeol checked his own appearance, making sure to not embarrass the boys too much with his clunky and fuzzy frame. His baggy shorts were stuffed with chips and of course, those had to go. The curly hair he pushed down hard, and he fished for his glasses. The man wasn't exactly blind, but his vision was slowly degrading.

After checking all the lights and stoves, Chanyeol brought the boys to his embrace with their little arms clutching on to him with their dear little lives. "Let's go!"

The boys always loved it when he held them up against his torso that way, but Chanyeol could do so much, resolving to only do so when the situation was dire. The twins were getting bigger and bigger and he would only kill himself if he did every time the kids asked him to.

"Daedae, elevator!" With his hands full, Chanyeol nudged the little boy with his arm that was holding him close to his waist.

"Ground!" Jongdae was happy to listen to his father and adorably pushed the button for Chanyeol before pushing his own nose and Jongin's nose, earning a surprised giggle from the boy.

5 minutes left. Chanyeol could do 5 minutes. Albeit his tall gangly stature, the man at least had long limbs to his advantage. His foot readied, ankles held high, waiting to boost out of the elevator.

_3\. 2. 1._

And the door slid open. Before Chanyeol could even register the person in front of him, his feet were flying and running. The person in front of him was even stranger than he could have anticipated. Chanyeol was sure that he was going to just run over that poor man, but the swift sidestep was quick and fluid-like he had been doing that all his life. It was as if he knew Chanyeol was there ready to trample him the whole time.

"Oh, excuse me, I'm so sorry!" The tall man could finally stop his feet from sprinting off and turned to apologize to the smaller man, but all he could see were black. Black cap hiding his face, black jacket clutching his smaller build, black shirt underneath, blacks pair jeans hugging his legs loosely, black backpack resting on his left shoulder, black pair of converse–

"It's alright. I'm the new occupant. We can talk later if you want. Please go on with your task." A very calculated statement. A voice so clear and tender yet tinged with a slight dominance and formality.

Chanyeol had never had anyone talk to him with that much calm and respect before, and it almost melt his heart before Jongdae intervened.

"Hello, Mr. New occup..." words failed the kid and the _new_ man let out a quiet chuckle helping him pronouncing it right.

"Then, I'm off! I'm Park Chanyeol, by the way!"

He didn't hear the end of the new guy when his legs carried them away to the bus stop. He probably had less than 20 seconds at this point when he noticed the parents were already waving goodbye to their children. It was then that his best friend caught him running like a crazed maniac the size of a polar bear.

"Wah~ Teacher, please wait for Jongin-appa." Baekhyun waved at the woman before rushing towards Chanyeol who was already dying from the lack of oxygen. "Jah! Jongin-ah, Jongdae-ah! Say goodbye to Appa!"

Chanyeol had to breathe in all the air first and let others do the talking while Baekhyun was practically slapping his heart out instead of soothing his back.

"Stop it, you're killing him." Sunny smacked the back of Baekhyun's head a little too hard that even Chanyeol cringed at the noise. Of course, being the stay at home dads that they were, the two of them kind of get the far end of the stick harsher than everyone else.

Jongin brought Chanyeol back to earth when he squealed for his father to lean down to give him the goodbye kiss. Of course, a tradition in his family, Chanyeol kneeled down and kissed Jongin's both cheeks, his forehead and then finally his nose – just for good measure. On the other hand, Jongdae almost screamed for the same treatment, and Chanyeol was more than happy to comply.

"Bye, bye, Nini, Daedae! Listen to your teachers well okay? Eat your breakfast! Don't forget to make friends!"

As mothers and the two dads watched their kids being driven off to school, Chanyeol let out a loud sigh and fell to his knees.

"Yah! Jongin-appa, when are you going to hire a sitter? You know you can't keep doing this on your own." Sunny, the mother of the evil kid, Kyungsoo, shook her head slowly at the tall man whom Baekhyun was feeding water to, hoping that he wouldn't pass out. Her fiery red hair cut across all the haters like her words and even though her tongue was sharp from time to time, none of their group of friends took offense. The woman was just that bold and honest, confidence oozing everywhere that it scared those who tried to hurt her. But her child was a little problematic, taking after all of her qualities at such a young age.

"One is hard enough. Two are even more difficult." Taeyeon, the mother of Wendy, was the mediator most of the time. The woman was more controlled and proper, usually helping the others in translating Sunny's crazy shenanigans. If Chanyeol had to listen to anyone, Taeyeon would be easiest to understand.

"I heard you got a new sitter already, right?" Seulgi, the mother of Minseok, was the shyest of them all. The woman rarely spoke, but when she did, everyone listened to her, entranced almost.

"Ne," Chanyeol could finally stand again, breathing a lot more even. As the other mothers dispersed to their different homes and places to go, the five of them stayed around walking to the café where they had their usual roundtable of gossip. "Someone rang, and she was going to show up this afternoon."

"I see. Why do I feel like your boys aren't going to like her already?" Baekhyun tilted his head in question. His best friend was the father of Sehun. The two were the ultimate embodiment of the phrase 'Like father, like son.' Sometimes, it was hard to distinguish who was the three-year-old.

"Then, I'm just going to finding others." the tall man lowered his head, sipping his cola, refreshing his heavy mind. "Jongjongs are very picky and rowdy. Hopefully, she could be patient with them."

"But this isn't exactly a huge town. Sooner or later, you're going to run of people to hire. And I fear for you, Chanyeol-ah." Taeyeon twirled her blonde hair unconsciously. These women were certainly not young, but their looks really deceived all men around town.

"Don't worry, Jongin-appa. Fighting!" Seulgi being Seulgi, the timid woman she was, holding out her fists with an adorable fighting motion that fluttered everyone's hearts but failed to impress Sunny.

"Oh, please, plenty of fish in the sea. Don't get all sappy now. And _no,_ I will not be the substitute to babysit your Jongjongs." Sunny gracefully flipped her hair and sipping her chocolate frappe. The others chuckled to the woman's glare. Everyone knew she wouldn't actually do that. 

The five always helped each other out with their problems, especially the kids. However, Chanyeol knew full well that he was in the spotlight with everyone crowding him and ready to help out in every way they can.

"I know you'll find someone," Seulgi added nonetheless before everyone moved on to their own kids and their new gossips.

_I hope I find someone, too._

* * *

The man clutched the straps of his heavy backpack tightly, looking up at the tall building before him. A sense of dread and peace flooded his mind. Something told him that he was going to be getting more than just a break coming to this place, but he knew of the risk all too well. He was used to risks in this line of work, literally signing up for it 15 years ago.

The soft ding of the elevator and the door slid open, and he saw him, seemingly appearing out of thin air.

Something about the big man before him was off.

Then again, everything about other people was off to him. He had to think of everyone that way. He couldn't really trust anyone. Not after what happened.

For a split second, he heard sneakers kicking at the metal floor and he knew that he had just seconds to back off or he was in a world of hurt. Although this man seemed inexperienced in actual combat, the humongous figure was enough to pose him as a threat.

A huge step he took to the side.

And when the taller man turned back to him, he was in awe.

He didn't even notice the twins the first time. A quick glance of the man and he was somehow at peace with himself. The reddish glow on the man's forehead drew an involuntary smile out of his brooding nature. The tall guy must have hit himself with something low. It was those little things that made him proud of being shorter, but he held himself back trying not to seem too much interested in the taller man.

"I'm Park Chanyeol!"

"I-I'll talk to you later..." but he was whispering to himself. _Chanyeol._ He liked the name.

Maybe, staying here wouldn't be too bad. He had been seeing uptight men in suits, dirty military uniforms, and boring prison get-ups. Seeing Chanyeol in his warm attire with a fatherly vibe set his troubling mind at rest.

He reminded himself that he was on vacation. This was the time to unwind and nothing should get in his way of relaxation.

He could sense everyone's uneasiness as he crossed paths with them, giving his glances and once over. Maybe, he should have been a lot more flexible and blended in, but that was too much of hassle. They did tell him that this was someplace he could do whatever he wanted.

He punched in his code.

The cold and empty apartment greeted him.

8:00 am.

Setting his backpack on the floor, he laid down on his back, head resting on the soft part of the backpack, and closed his eyes.

8:20 am.

He opened his eyes.

His door rang loudly drawing a quick inhale of panic breath. A whirlwind of thoughts flew through his mind. Had they found him already? What was going on? His supervisor had made sure this was the safest place he could hide in. His left hand close to his combat knife below his waist. His right hand held the trigger of his signature silencer.

Looking through the peephole, he saw nothing but a huge fluff of yellow hoodie filling up his vision.

"Hello?"

The door rang again and this time he jumped slightly. Making sure the inside lock was still on, his left hand ignored the knife and opened the door.

"Ne. Hello- Oh." His voice firm and clear. Once the door slid open, he was at ease. A huge breath left his lips.

"Hey, neighbor! It's me!" the taller's big head almost poked into his apartment and he had to quickly take his knife out and drop his gun in the rubbish bin nearby.

"Ne, Park Chanyeol-shi." A nervous chuckle. This guy was his neighbor? How convenient.

"I was wondering we could talk now, you know. It's urgent."

So he unlocked his inside locks and let Chanyeol in. Something about this tall man that he dreaded. His house wasn't probably the one thing this Chanyeol going to be invading he dreaded, but the more he looked at Chanyeol clumsy self, who almost tripped over the perfectly flat surface, he shook his head. Well, he was always attracting trouble his whole life. And Park Chanyeol was certainly not the first one.

"Wow." The deep timbre of his voice echoed around the empty apartment. "You- um... like have anything to move? I mean we're going to be neighbors and I thought I could help you with the moving, you know."

He just simply shook his head.

"Wait, that's all your stuff?" His huge googly eyes were getting under his skin. Usually, it was the lie detector that made him sweat, but his strange creepy binoculars eyes were enough to make him step back.

"Ne."

"I heard the news from the eommas that someone was moving in next to me and well, I'm... _right_ across your room, umm..."

"Kim Junmyeon." He said it.

"Kim Junmyeon-shi." Park Chanyeol said it.

His name.

For the first time in his life, he could use his real name again.

And Park Chanyeol was the first one to say it out loud.

"Oh! I know a neighbor who has a lot of furniture she wanted to get rid of."

"That's not necessary –"

"I'll tell the neighbors you're a serial killer."

If Junmyeon had anything in his mouth at the moment, he would choke to death.

"Haha!" Chanyeol kept on rambling. "Come on, now. You can't live without proper amenities. As a good neighbor, I should at least help you out with that."

"Um, I hope I don't sound too rude, but I'd like to rest for a bit." He couldn't help his proper grammar structure slipping into the conversation. "It's been a long journey."

"Of course, I just wanted to check on you, Junmyeon-shi." A soft smile from Chanyeol. His eyes crinkled in just the right angle and his glasses slightly pushed up by the muscles. A purely innocent truth oozed from this tall creature and Junmyeon knew he didn't have to think twice about trusting him. "I hope we could hang out sometimes."

"Ne."

"See you later, Junmyeon-shi."

"Ne, Chanyeol-shi."

8:30 am.

He closed his eyes.

8:50 am.

He opened his eyes.

Junmyeon took a quick shower before bringing his wallet with him and step outside the apartment.

The street in this neighborhood was smooth and not much dirt clung onto his converse. And for the whole day, he walked around the neighborhood passing every shop, every street, every nook, and cranny.

He could tell some people were starting to catch on to him, but he couldn't help it. It was part of his routine. It helped calm him down.

7:30 pm.

He finally decided to stop in front of his apartment building, sitting quietly on one of the public benches. With a sip of the water he'd bought earlier this morning, Junmyeon let his eyes wander the warm neighbor lit by the bright yellow streetlights. The trees hugging the street comfortably as the simplistic architecture gave him a sense of a shy yet domestic aesthetic burning up his numbing heart.

Trusting the neighborhood's peacefulness, Junmyeon let his eyes rest.

7:50 pm.

He opened his eyes.

A loud cry shed away his drowsiness, and to his left was Park Chanyeol. The twins in his arms playing with the taller's hair and glasses as Chanyeol tried his best to keep them close.

Junmyeon didn't even realize that he was watching the three this whole time until they disappeared into the building, shaking his head at this nonchalant self.

He had a feeling that he was going to be getting bothered by his neighbor a lot. Chanyeol wasn't going to be the only one, he predicted. And somehow, Junmyeon was okay with that.


	2. Chapter 2

He remembered having to leave the twins at the hospital. With a suit that didn't even fit him properly, he had to look on forward. Standing upright and greeting the guests. A smile. The big toothy smile he was always good at lined on his tired lips. His big bloodshot eyes didn't even feel like blinking as he stared on ahead, finishing everything up like a clinical procedure.

Chanyeol sighed and shook his head, focusing on the task at hand, stacking the books and cataloging them in the right place. He shouldn't be wandering back to the past. Maybe it was nice to go back, but he made sure not to get lost.

There weren't many people coming to read today. Understandable. It was a deluge outside. Each drop of water so huge it almost flooded the air supply of the pedestrians running back and forth the street, trying to find cover to stay dry.

When a certain mechanical figure stayed by the glass window, Chanyeol breathed out in content. He was worried about the well-being of his new neighbor. It had been three days, and Chanyeol didn't see Junmyeon even _once_ left his apartment. He tempted to ring the doorbell, but he didn't want to seem too over the top, considering the second time he met him, Chanyeol was already pushing his neighbor's buttons.

"Beggars can't be choosers," Chanyeol muttered gruffly as he slid the last book on to the shelf. He didn't mean to offend Junmyeon and his ... status, but Chanyeol genuinely wanted to help. Then, something hit him. Maybe, Junmyeon was rich and he was just chilling, preferring his apartment that way, living the minimalist lifestyle. But Chanyeol shook his head. _That's what a poor person would say._

Chanyeol watched from the inside of the cozy library slash bookshop in wonder as Junmyeon in his usual black attire took off his black cap and card his rough hand through his short dark raven hair.

Before he even knew it, Chanyeol was already knocking at the glass window from the inside, drawing a surprise jolt from Junmyeon who was nearly drenched outside.

Chanyeol offered his big spare black hoodie, knowing Junmyeon's preference.

"It's alright. It's a habit. The twins sometimes make a mess and I had to change." It wasn't entirely a lie. Jongjongs did make a fuss, and Chanyeol wasn't ready to let the world see him drenched in ice cream and pee once more.

But it was so long ago. Now, Jongjongs were a lot better with grabbing things and their motor controls were making his life a little easier. That hoodie was just there in his locker, and Chanyeol hadn't touched it in a while.

"I suppose you work here, Chanyeol-shi." Junmyeon didn't roll the long sleeves, letting them covering his shorter arms and fingers. The man looked like a cat in a comfort zone.

Chanyeol let his eyes stayed on Junmyeon's fingers trying to clutch the mug with the long fluffy sleeves. _I'm not that long, am I?_

"Oh, right. I do, mostly in the afternoon."

He was fascinated by Junmyeon's hair. Maybe it was because this was the first time he saw it in a better light, not obstructed by darkness or the black cap. Very prim and proper, but at the same time, the short cut was stylish enough to make Junmyeon look dashing. He wondered why Junmyeon wore the cap all the time.

"Hey, are you still okay with my neighbor giving you stuff?"

It took Junmyeon a while, but he let out a hum. "It's alright. You want to give me things. I'll gladly accept it."

Junmyeon was surprised at his neighbor's sudden smile after a long 15 minutes of moping in the opposite seat. This wasn't something he could get used to. Getting stuff. He didn't want to be rude, but then again, he wasn't sure what was rude or not rude to normal people.

Chanyeol wasn't wearing glasses this time, which was a little baffling to him. His hair was also styled differently than he remembered Chanyeol the father usually looked, a lot less frizzy and gelled. The same mushroom look, but with a lot more control.

"I didn't see you go out for days. I thought something happened, but hey, you're back." Chanyeol got his warm mug of coffee as he looked back to his counter to see if someone was entering. "Must be a really long sleep, huh?"

Junmyeon looked away, eyes stayed on the rain hitting the glass window violently, a deep breath.

Chanyeol stared at Junmyeon, really staring at him. Something suddenly popped up into his vision. Junmyeon actually looked handsome and the eommas were right to say, but they certainly hadn't spotted the numerous flaws on his face. Chanyeol could see faints lines, spots over his milky babyface, and the small cut on his left eyebrow. The taller had thought that that maybe it was just a style thing that Junmyeon rocked though if it were, it would be contradicting his brooding and proper nature. Was that cut a scar?

Junmyeon shook his head and that almost made Chanyeol yelped due to his sudden movement. His trembling hands lowered the mug and hid behind the long comfortable sleeves of his neighbor's hoodie. "I'll probably be the only customer today, then."

"Oh. You're here for a book?" Chanyeol was genuinely surprised though he wasn't sure because of what exactly. The book? The fact that Junmyeon had money to buy it? The fact that Junmyeon came for the book and not him?

"I'd like to call myself a reader." A shy gentle smile and Chanyeol returned the same warmth that Junmyeon gave him, showing him all the shelves and rows of books, where to find each category, and so on.

Chanyeol never really liked his own tall build. Women found that attractive and all, but the men never seemed to appreciate him. They always found him hostile and that was really Chanyeol's thing. He never liked the way the men had to judge him as if he was better and even worse – the fact that his job or his status didn't match his height. He knew. He caught the stare.

Somehow, Junmyeon was one of the few people who didn't give two shits about how huge he was. Every time Chanyeol reached over to point at the top shelf, Junmyeon never flinched at his towering figure or gave him the look. The stoic man just nodded along, sometimes asking Chanyeol to pick a book from the highest shelf for him with no hesitation.

It may not be a big deal for Junmyeon, but having to deal with toxic masculinity almost every day, Chanyeol found it easy to breathe next to Junmyeon. The pride some of the men Chanyeol encountered was usually ten times bigger than their build. The dirty look when they knew that he was just a single father, looking after the kids...

"Chanyeol-shi." His voice was so clear that sometimes Chanyeol thought his name was recorded in a studio somewhere and Junmyeon just happened to have a copy.

"Ah-ah, Ye?" walking back to him, Chanyeol watched Junmyeon putting a stack of books he had picked on the trolley. "You're going to buy all of that?"

A simple nod. Junmyeon sucked in his lips and looked around before, "What's your favorite book, Chanyeol-shi?"

That certainly drew a huge smile out of Chanyeol. He had thought that the stoic man could be a ridged man with proper mannerism and language, but so far, Chanyeol had no problem dealing with Junmyeon. One would say that he started to enjoy his company, but that could be a subject for another day. For now, Chanyeol was glad to have a neighbor he could tolerate.

And the fact that Kim Junmyeon was _possibly_ an avid reader excited him as well. Maybe, he and Junmyeon could have a lot to talk about when it came to literature.

" _Please Look After Mom._ " Chanyeol muttered softly as he let his feet take him to his favorite novel on the designated shelf he had made for himself.

"Ah~ Shin Kyungsook?" Junmyeon bared an understanding smile. "I've been keeping tabs on the best novels in each year, but I haven't got the time to get to them."

Finally, his fingers touched the rough cover as the pain seemingly seeped beneath his skin crawling to his heart.

"Here."

"Um. It's nice." Junmyeon flipped the book back and forth, his eyes trained on the summary, his lips seemingly following each word. Then he let out a breath of air that he held for a while after finishing the synopsis. He looked pleased. "Right. I see. I'll take this one, too."

Somehow, he was a little down when Junmyeon didn't ask why this was his favorite, but if he had asked, Chanyeol still wouldn't know what to answer.

"Have you read _I'll be right there?_ "

When Junmyeon looked him with a raised brow, Chanyeol was almost lightheaded. "It's a very nice book. Compared to Westerners, Kyungsook is very... _emotional._ In a good way. There are feelings and depth." Junmyeon lightly placed his favorite book on top of the stacks, fingers unconsciously tapping the cover as he talked to Chanyeol with a contemplative look, trying to remember his experience reading the piece of literature. "It's very cathartic."

"I feel the same way." Chanyeol chuckled, relief at the mutual interest. "I have a soft spot for feelings."

"Isn't that why we read?" So far, Junmyeon smiled a small smile, trained and proper, never really too big. Chanyeol wondered if that was just his behavior or the smile was just for show. But Junmyeon couldn't be faking it, could he? Fake or not, his smile was enough to light up Chanyeol's boring days in the silent bookshop.

"I don't know. Some people read for the action. Same goes for movies. Emotion centric pieces of literature are usually overlooked." Chanyeol waited for a response. It was fascinating to watch Junmyeon. He was a mystery to him. Chanyeol had always felt like he was an open book to everyone, and he questioned others who were at hiding their feelings and why they were hiding them.

"Well, I should tell you that I'm a... soldier." They were sitting in the lounge once more. "I don't work that job anymore, but I – well, once a soldier, always a soldier, right?" Now, the behaviors and mannerisms started to make a lot more sense to Chanyeol.

When Junmyeon let out a chuckle, Chanyeol felt somewhat happy. He wasn't sure at what part. The fact that Junmyeon shared something with him? The fact that Junmyeon had similar interests? The fact that Junmyeon chuckled?

"Feelings were somewhat restricted in the service." A strained tone.

Chanyeol could only relate so much to the soldier before he realized that they lived completely different lives. However, Chanyeol couldn't help wonder at the miracle of their shared interest despite the different worlds that shaped them.

"Feelings can't be helped," Chanyeol said gently, not sure of what tone to use. Suddenly aware of their strange occupations, Chanyeol took longer to form words this time. "Soldiers or not, we're human."

Chanyeol didn't even realize that Junmyeon was watching him until he caught his sight, leaving the shorter male a little flustered.

"Anyway, I'll tell Seulgi – she's my best friend and a famous eomma around here – about the furniture. I'll bring it up to you tomorrow."

"It's alright. You can just give me the address. I don't want to disturb you."

"Nah~~ It's fine, Junmyeon-shi. Let's just do it together if you don't want to feel bad," Watching Junmyeon's reserved expression broke into a shy and flushed one was amusing to him. Maybe in the military, there wasn't much to smile about. Chanyeol kept a mental note to keep the soldier light on his feet. "Plus the eommas wanted to see you. It's the perfect time to introduce yourself to the neighborhood, you know?"

As Chanyeol watched the soldier in his huge hoodie left the bookshop with bags of books in both his arms under the now sunny sky, he found himself smiling dumbly at his hands. Finally, someone he could talk to without feeling out of place.

Chanyeol decided to put Junmyeon up on his favorite neighbors' list.

* * *

He could feel it. Every single fiber of his being felt it. The color was so bright he could taste. In fact, he was tasting it. His lips rough, his hands trembling, his eyes wide, his mouth moving, his tongue savoring. The room was dark. His vision was swirling. The goosebumps on his skins were killing him, spiking on every inch of his skin. He could hear the scream of his comrades falling behind, dying, shrieking, begging him to stop. He couldn't take it anymore. His stomach then pushed back whatever he had digested. Through bloodshot eyes and burning throat, he vomited the remaining of his friend.

He opened his eyes.

2:46 am.

He could feel the sweat soaking every part of his body. His throat was burning.

Junmyeon ran as fast as he could to the bathroom and plunged his head into the bathtub that had been filled with water to the brim, choking himself, cleaning whatever that was in his throat. With his shaking hands, Junmyeon fingered into his mouth, trying to dig in, clawing into the disgusting thing that was him.

_Get it out. Get it out._

He passed out.

He opened his eyes.

The white ceiling greeted him.

To his right was the bathtub that he had prepped since the first day he'd moved in.

To his left was the small window shining the light upon his soaked and drenched body.

In the mirror was the reflection of his tired eyes, a faint trail of red ran down his neck seeping into his black shirt. He stared at his shot and smooth fingernails baring little blood, glad that he had groomed himself before everything happened. His back was still soaked. Chills overshadowed his being as he tried not to think about last night.

The door surprised him.

With all of his strength, Junmyeon steadied himself, a gun in his hands.

Through the peephole, a huge wall of pink filled his vision and somehow, he forgot that he was stressed out. Once more, he threw the gun into the bin.

"Junmyeon-shi."

"Ne, Chanyeol-shi."

The look on Chanyeol's face was enough to tell Junmyeon that his appearance must have been a _little_ unkempt.

"Oh, did I wake you? I'm so sorry. Just wanted to give you a heads up that I'm going. Do you still want to go with me?"

Chanyeol at work and Chanyeol at home looked so different. With the glasses, Chanyeol appeared to be even younger than he looked. Junmyeon had made a guess about the taller's age. 29 or 30. The soft slightly frizzy hair was something that caught his attention. "You know, Chanyeol, you don't have to give me –"

"Aye... We already made the arrangements. Can't go back now, you know?"

His cold and shivering back slowly burning in heat again. His sweaty hands now cooling down. Chanyeol's curious big puppy eyes set his breathing back to normal. The rush of blood in his vein finally relaxing. Junmyeon could feel his once pale face reddened to a normal hue.

The few seconds of silence should be awkward, but Chanyeol didn't push him and he wasn't doing anything out of place, so the silence was somewhat welcomed.

"There's one condition if you're coming with me," Chanyeol started again, his hands shoving into the pockets of his short baggy jeans. A huge smile beaming raining down on Junmyeon and the soldier felt like he didn't deserve such gentle patience from such a kind man. "I'm paying for the breakfast."

A small twitch of the lips, Junmyeon felt, but Chanyeol, the bright person that he was, cut him off before he could even form a sound.

"No, I won't take _no_. Even if you don't do breakfast, you have to drink something at least."

Suddenly, the thought of breakfast burned his throat. Junmyeon remembered the damage he'd done to the tissues. He clenched his hands hiding the bloodied nails.

There was something about Chanyeol. It was as if he knew. The warm gaze and understanding nod.

"I'll leave you to yourself then. Come knocking at my door whenever you're ready."

Junmyeon noticed his bloodshot eyes in the mirrors. Maybe, Chanyeol didn't see them. The lighting in his house was too low. He couldn't have seen him at his worse, could he? Taking off his innocent-looking black shirt that was starting to smell like fresh gore, Junmyeon let the warm water flowed down his shaking back, easing his tense body, rinsing his worries like Chanyeol's presence did to his senses. 

* * *

They were standing quietly in the elevator, physically a few feet apart, emotionally miles away. Thankfully, the blood stopped flowing long ago. It was easier to gulp and swallow his saliva. He could tell his neighbor was trying to steal glances from him. A bit too obvious.

"Please stop me if I get too far." Chanyeol smiled timidly, his fingers playing with the tube of his iced lemon tea. "How- how long had you been serving?" The small tea shop filled his heart with zen.

The soldier tilted his head questioningly at the taller goofy man. For a cheeky neighbor, he was quite polite. So far, the people he had met either treated him with contempt, telling him that they didn't owe anything to him even if he served his country or kept the civilians safe. It was true though. They did build their own lives without the help of the military, but they didn't have to say it out to his face. Others would be too sympathetic to the point where they were just pitying him. Their pretty words did mask the intended meanings, but not to him.

"15 years." He stared at the same iced lemon tea below. Chanyeol was fed up with the fact that he couldn't pick anything to eat or drink, so he ordered the same one for him.

"Wah~~ You started really young, right?"

"No, when I was 25." the big eyes bore holes into his head when he shook his head.

"Wait a minute. Hold up!" suddenly, he was counting his fingers and Junmyeon found that amusing. "How old are you again? If you don't mind me..."

"40."

His neighbor rapidly blinked at him and leaned in across the table closer, seemingly inspecting every inch of his face. "no... You're like 30, right?"

"I'm 40."

"Then- I should be addressing you-"

"It's alright. You don't have to be too formal with me." Junmyeon didn't want to be proper. He tried not to, but the life he lived had shaped him too far. Chanyeol talking to him like a normal person was more than not proper and he appreciated every second of it.

"Yah~ I thought you're 28 like I am – I mean, look at you!"

The red seemed to creep up on him when Junmyeon shook his head and cleared his still burning throat. "I'm old. I get it."

"Hey, don't say that. You look ridiculously handsome and young, too, now that I realized. You have any idea how much the eommas are talking about you?" Chanyeol tried to catch his gaze and wiggled his brows. "Wait, until they know you're a soldier, handsome and _real manly._ "

Junmyeon could only sigh and look away. Maybe Chanyeol being too informal was a bad idea. He then sipped the tea, pushing the tube deep down and it washed down the lower part of his throat that didn't hurt. Felt okay. Perhaps when his throat healed, he would try this again.

There was a long silence and Junmyeon was starting to panic. He didn't want to seem rude. He wanted to be proper. _Oh, no._

_Not that word. I **hate** it. I don't want to be **proper**. No. **Shut up**._

"Hey, I think you remember my kids, right?" he didn't know his hands were shaking until Chanyeol playfully poked at the back of his hand. Junmyeon then tried not to think about himself and focus on Chanyeol's big hands and fingers drumming the table.

"Yeah? Are they twin? I –um." That was normal, right?

"Fraternal, yeah. They're three now and a mess, too." His slightly frizzy hair bobbed when he laughed at his own complains. "My friend, Baekhyun, took them to the dentist with his kid. They'll be back soon by the time we got things out. I thought maybe you wanted to see Jongjongs."

Junmyeon leaned back, hands in comfy pockets of Chanyeol's black hoodie, remembering the embarrassing fact that he forgot to do the laundry and had to keep wearing it. He only had three black shirts. Why was it so hard to keep up with the numbers?

"I mean Jongdae and Jongin."

Of course, Junmyeon's ears perked at the kids' names and Chanyeol's smile immediately faltered before letting out a dry laugh.

"Strange, right? I named them after their mother."

Something in his heart shattered for Chanyeol and his tensed brows softened. Junmyeon was no longer thinking of himself. All his attention went to his neighbor and the sudden and eccentric light shone upon him.

"Kim Jongsoo. So... Kim Jongdae. Kim Jongin." Out of the blue, Junmyeon realized that Chanyeol looking sad was something he was uncomfortable with.

"oh. I like it." Junmyeon stared into Chanyeols' big and slightly watering eyes. "You know. Park Chandae and Park Chanin would have been worse."

That, of course, was unexpected and Chanyeol laughed at the ridiculousness of his words. Junmyeon warming up to him and joined in the laughter. The soldier had thought that joke would be too much, but he was glad that Chanyeol was okay with it. Maybe, Chanyeol needed someone to talk to him without pity and sympathy just like him.

"Goodness. They would've really hated it once they grew up." Chanyeol added. "Oh, I get that's one of the few good decisions I made in life. I'm glad."

Meeting Chanyeol could conceivably count, too, Junmyeon quietly bit his lips. He didn't understand why, but he could feel himself slipping with Chanyeol. Like he was another person, which was a good thing for him. Was this what it was like to have a friend? A friend that wouldn't stab you behind your back? Junmyeon shook his head. Why would he refer Chanyeol to someone like that? _but I don't know much about him, yet. It's – No, shut up. He's not. **DAMN** IT._

"Hey, you alright?" This time Chanyeol's hands were on his, keeping them shaking. "You've been doing this a lot. Is it too cold?"

Junmyeon still couldn't form words when his neighbor rubbed his palms over the back of his rough hands.

"Just put them back in the hoodie."

They walked to the other side of the apartment complex. Junmyeon had never felt this relaxed, but he shouldn't jinx it. This neighborhood was perfect, he thought. For once, he trusted his supervisors for choosing his hideout. When he came across a lone cherry blossom, Junmyeon just stopped and stared, sneezing when a small petal landed on his nose.

"Beauty's so pretty, but life's so short." He could hear the unconscious whisper that left Chanyeol's lips. "We can wait here. Seulgi's place should be on the other side of the road. We'll cross when she comes out."

It had been 7 minutes, he counted. And his friend still hadn't come out. Chanyeol had said that she would be here in 5 minutes. Why wasn't she here? Suddenly, his fingers started twitching, his hands shaking once again.

_She's not here._

_She's late._

_She's **late**._

_She's **late**._

Junmyeon could feel his sweat forming when something or perhaps _someone_ bumped into his legs. Junmyeon looked down at the curious glances staring up at him with awe.

"It's Mister New Occupa..."

"Occupant." Junmyeon finished the word for the kid and smiled at the two boys clinging on to both his legs. His panic thoughts vanished. His heart beat slower. His blood warm again.

"Omo, Jongjong! That's rude to-"

"It's alright." Junmyeon stopped his neighbor who was just about to detach his kids from the soldier. "My name is Kim Junmyeon. What about you, boys?"

"My name is Kim Jongin." The smaller happily and proudly said his name and it warmed Junmyeon's heart. Chanyeol must be so delighted at their cute and upbeat childish innocence. The soldier then sat to their height and looked to the other kid who was just as eager to show off his name.

"I'm Kim Jongdae, Junmyeon-ahjusshi."

Chanyeol, on the other hand, was melting into lava when he tried to fish for his phone to capture the rare moment. Although he hadn't known Junmyeon for long, Chanyeol could tell this moment was brightening up the soldier's day. This was the first time Chanyeol saw Junmyeon smiled so big. _Oh, I see why he's forty._ Suddenly, the wrinkles were everywhere and Chanyeol was chuckling to his own stupid thoughts as he watched his neighbor cutely talked to his kids. Then, he noticed the soldier mannerism was gone and replaced by a strange soft voice in which he had never heard Junmyeon spoke before.

"Yah, Park Chanyeol, I didn't realize he was this handsome. What the hell?" Baekhyun crept up behind him and watched him taking pictures of the clueless soldier.

Then, it occurred to Chanyeol that Junmyeon had been hiding under his cap, walking around the neighborhood all this time. Only Chanyeol was the one who got to see the man behind the mask before everyone else. "He's forty."

" _What?!_ " The smaller gasped in awe as the little Sehun clawed at his face. "What? What kind of facial did he get?"

Junmyeon stood up with the kids still on his legs and started walking around, making the little Jongjongs laugh to their heart's content.

"Wah~~ Appa! Junmyeon-ahjusshi is awesome!"

"Dude..." The two men just stared at Junmyeon just waddling with the seemingly heavy twins on his shorter legs like it was just a normal workout for him. "What the fuck..."

"He's a soldier."

" _Oh._ Good god, no wonder why it looked so easy for him."

_Is it?_

_Is it really easy for him?_


	3. Chapter 3

Chanyeol looked at his watch.

10:20 am.

This had been more than exhausting for the man walking back and forth for his children. At one point, Chanyeol really needed to get some rest. Why couldn't he seem to find someone for his kids? Were Jongjongs that troublesome?

He bit his lips for thinking that. Troublesome or not, they were his kids. He just couldn't do that.

A deep breath and his back straightened up, his neck craned up to let the sunlight cascade down his tired face.

It was then, at the corner of his eyes, he saw his neighbor again. Chanyeol was then brought back to the time when Junmyeon had rung his doorbell for the first time. For some reason, Chanyeol was embarrassed at the fact that his own hair was unkempt, his clothing wet, and odorous from playing and dealing with the kids. The soldier didn't even flinch at his appearance and Chanyeol hadn't been sure if that was supposed to be face-saving for him or worse, but whatever it was, it had left this tall man restless.

_"Thank you so much for the hoodie."_

He watched his neighbor sat there on the wooden bench under the huge tree with a black umbrella by his side looking here and there and seemingly enjoying the view of this neighborhood. The smile that Junmyeon had borne when he handed him that hoodie was nothing like the smile he had at that moment. Chanyeol didn't know what this man was doing with his life right now, what his problems were, but Chanyeol felt drawn to him. Such a mystery. At one point, Chanyeol wasn't sure if Junmyeon was really struggling financially.

Again, Chanyeol shook his head. It wasn't about money now. There must be something else that forced Junmyeon to live this frugal. Was it his past life?

Before he knew it, his feet had taken him to the soldier almost subconsciously, and Chanyeol found himself staring at Junmyeon in a dumbfounded manner.

"Chanyeol-shi." His voice was so inviting when he said his name. A polite bow and a small formal smile were enough to lift his worries a little.

"Junmyeon-shi." Chanyeol bowed slightly towards the soldier before sitting down next to him and looked around to see whatever his neighbor was marveling at.

"Are you meeting someone?" the soldier was hesitant, his fingers tapping at his knee. Chanyeol shouldn't feel so much pride, but he was happy that his good-natured self could do something to his neighbor as a week ago, the man wasn't really the one who started the conversation.

He was self-conscious. Some people found his talkative self-annoying and bothersome, but Junmyeon grew fond of him it seemed as now that Chanyeol greeted him at the hall or elevator, Junmyeon was smiling more and returning the gesture.

"Yeah, I'm looking for someone to take care of Jongjongs when I'm working."

The fact that Junmyeon liked this bench so much Chanyeol understood. The tall man had caught Junmyeon sitting here from time to time in the past week at day and sometimes at night. Junmyeon would just sit here and feel the wind on his skin. So many questions he wanted to ask Junmyeon. He really wanted to hang out with the soldier more as he seemed like a person of novelty, a good kind of novelty that could bring something to Chanyeol's boring days.

This did feel nice, just enjoying the view and people passing by. He wanted to sit here to Junmyeon and drink some beer, but that was for another time once Chanyeol could get to know him better.

"Ah... so, you're looking for a babysitter?" Junmyeon nodded attentively to his words and Chanyeol was slightly flustered. This was something Junmyeon did. A habit. However, Chanyeol was always nervous when Junmyeon listened to him. Like really listen to him. He got friends that cared about him and listened to him, but Junmyeon was still a stranger to him, but here he was, paying his full attention to a goofy man like him.

"Ne, they should be ring-" the phone in his pocket rang. "Yep. It's them. I've got to go."

"It's alright." Before Chanyeol could get out of his neighbor's personal space, Junmyeon stopped him with his umbrella. "You might need this. I'm not going anywhere for a while, sitting here so..."

"What? It's alright, I mean -" Clearly, the sun wasn't too bad on his skin and although it was humid, it didn't really bother him.

"Fine." Junmyeon just quietly drew back, looking down at his own black pair of converse. Chanyeol couldn't even see Junmyeon, but his heart was already drowning in guilt.

"Okay. Okay." A quirk in the soldiers' brow and that made Chanyeol felt embarrassed. "If I take too long and you're not here, I'll just drop this off at your place." Chanyeol didn't want to argue with the 'it's no problem' conversation since he was the one who forced Junmyeon to take pieces of furniture for free.

A small chuckle from Junmyeon and Chanyeol was off, unknowingly smiling under his black umbrella. Maybe, this was how their friendship was going to be like. Just a lot of helping back and forth. It didn't seem too bad really. Chanyeol had Baekhyun as his best friend since childhood, but now that they both had families, lived further from one another along with the fact that Baekhyun was a stay at home father at the moment, they couldn't hang out as much.

"Twins? Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought there was only one child." The lady really did look apologetic. "I'm so sorry I wasted your time, young man, but I really couldn't handle two kids."

Already, Chanyeol's shoulders slumped as he walked to Junmyeon. He didn't even know if Junmyeon was still there, but he wanted to talk about something else. At this moment, Chanyeol didn't want to think about his children. They were playing with Sehun and Baekhyun at the moment, so Chanyeol took a deep breath and tried to find Junmyeon.

And there he was.

Junmyeon was sitting there, never really moving from his previous seat when Chanyeol left him. His eyes closed so peacefully with his arms crossed over his chest, his back leaned against the bench, seemingly bathing himself under the sun.

10:45 am.

Chanyeol had looked at his watch. He wanted to call out to Junmyeon, but he held himself back and approached the soldier. When Chanyeol got closer, he realized that Junmyeon was actually taking a nap. Everything about his neighbor seemed to still. Slowly, his hand got closer to Junmyeon, the umbrella covering them both from the growing sunlight of the afternoon.

Chanyeol kept his distance, space in between their seat. In awe of the stature of the soldier, Chanyeol couldn't help staring holes at Junmyeon. From time to time, Junmyeon would frown and the creases of his forehead would pop up, his breath slightly shaken and then he would go back to normal. Chanyeol ignored the onlookers. It seemed poetic really. This did help calm him down. Sitting silent with his neighbor napping his afternoon away and staring at the trees swaying to the warm gusts of the afternoon wind.

Junmyeon opened his eyes.

And Chanyeol was there, smiling brightly at him with his umbrella, shielding them both from the heat of the first days of summer.

It seemed like they always crossed paths this way. Junmyeon's lips curved and returned the smile.

"I see you enjoyed your nap. I didn't want to wake you up." Junmyeon should feel a bit freaked out that someone caught him in this venerable state, but seeing Chanyeol the moment he opened his eyes was strangely relieving to him.

"How did the meeting go?" All Chanyeol had to do was suck in his lips, and Junmyeon knew. "Oh, I'm sorry."

"It's just hard to find people who would want to look after twins, you know? And I can't leave Jongjongs to those would prioritize the money over taking care of them." A small hum and encourage nods was enough to make Chanyeol rant freely to him. "Plus, Jongjongs are picky and always making a scene if they don't like someone. They've been from people to people countless times at this point."

Somehow, he found it comforting that Chanyeol still held the umbrella for him. Junmyeon and Chanyeol then walked silently to the children's playground where they found Jongjongs playing with the swings.

As Junmyeon stared the adorable twins greet their father with kisses on both cheeks and forehead, he gripped at his umbrella.

8:30 pm.

He was breathing hard. Half of the water was gone in just seconds as he drank away to his heart content. Going out on evening runs had always calmed him down. Good at shutting out the heavy thoughts he had to bear.

The wind hit his sweating body and made him shiver, so Junmyeon walked back to his apartment, but before he could step into the elevator, his feet took him back to the residents' notice board.

Junmyeon inhaled the cold wind and stared at the phone number.

His fingers were suddenly dry and rubbing sparks of hesitation. It was then that a particular loud ding of the elevator brought him back and stop him from fidgeting.

Not trusting his own rational thoughts, Junmyeon let his hand tear off the leaflet.

Junmyeon sat on his new sofa, still looking at the paper his hands, contemplating.

Slowly, he came to smile fondly at the decision he'd made. 

* * *

"Nini, come on, bring your clothes. You too, Dae-ah."

A coo of 'ne' from the living room and Chanyeol started to prepare the water and soap altogether. Now that he had finished cleaning up the house, he could start doing everything else, which was a lot. The list of chores he had to do was insane. He really needed to stop procrastinating and just get things done, but it seemed like he was incapable at the moment.

"Yay! You look so pretty, appa!" Jongdae placed a rubber ducky on top of his head and giggled with his brother who was jumping in the laundry with him.

He only silently nodded along. If that was the beauty standard Jongin was sure on setting, then maybe the kid might go places.

As he kept pushing his glasses that kept falling off, the three were interrupted by their ringing doorbell.

"I'll check it!"

"Be careful, Dae-ah. Don't open the door just yet. Wait for appa!"

"Ne!"

The kid disappeared, running out of the bathroom and Chanyeol quickly rinsed himself off.

Trying to push his hair back, not wanting to look too unkempt before another soul for the day, the man walked out with Jongin who was still a bit dirty or _clean_ from all the laundry soap in his arms trying to poke at his nostrils.

"Appa! It's Junmyeon-ahjusshi! Can he come in? Please?" the boy nearly screamed out of excitement.

It seemed like it didn't really take long for Jongdae to imprint on Junmyeon which was quite a difference. Already, Chanyeol was smiling at the fact, but then he remembered that he hadn't seen his neighbor out and about since 2 days ago. Looking at the screen on his side of the door, Chanyeol saw that blank proper face of the soldier staring calming that door, blinking once and awhile.

A huge relief. He didn't know what was going on, but something tugged at his heart when Junmyeon wasn't around and talking to him.

"Junmyeon-shi." A welcoming smile he mustered.

"Chanyeol-shi." A simple nod from the soldier and Chanyeol knew he didn't have to worry anymore.

"Can I come in? I have something to discuss with you." Suddenly, Chanyeol thanked the gods that he had the strength to _at least_ clean up _a little bit_ because right now, Junmyeon was stepping into his apartment with Jongdae jumping behind happily.

Worries seeping into his brain. What was he going to talk about? Oh, no? A complaint? He had gotten complaints from past neighbors before for the loud crying children but from Junmyeon? Chanyeol didn't think he could take it if it came from the soldier's lips. He had put so much ... _something_ in his neighbor already. Faith! Yes, faith.

"I'm sorry it's still a bit messy-"

"I don't mind it." Of course, Jongdae and Jongin had been playing with their toys right after his cleaning so it wasn't much cleaner than he had hoped, but at least he looked a lot more appropriate greeting Junmyeon this time.

With Jongin hiding in the nape of his neck, Chanyeol motioned the man to sit at the couch while he awkwardly sat on the floor, but of course, Junmyeon just chuckled and sat on the floor, facing him and smiling at the various toys on the floor in the process.

"Jongin, hello."

"Ne," but the kid was still timidly clawing at his back and hiding his face from Junmyeon.

"Sorry, he can get really shy." Chanyeol watched Jongdae who was sitting beside Junmyeon and looking up at the soldier expectantly. "I umm.. don't know. They don't usually get this ..."

"They're really adorable," Junmyeon said it so easily that Jongdae squeaked happily while Jongin further squealed into his chest.

"Wow. I think they really like you." Jongjongs would rarely like other people – not to mention other adults, especially Jongin who usually took longer to open up to new friends.

"Well, that's a good thing then." He pulled out the familiar piece of paper from his pocket and now, Chanyeol was blinking at the leaflet and back to Junmyeon and back to the leaflet and back to Junmyeon and back to–

"Chanyeol-shi?" A playful smile from Junmyeon which was pleasant to the eyes. Chanyeol could get used to Junmyeon smiling more often.

"Wait, you're asking me? Are you sure? I mean- don't you- um... wait, but –"

"I heard the pay is good." The soldier said as a matter of factly like nothing else was a problem.

"Yeah, if my children are taken care after well..."

"Okay."

"They come back home at 2 in the afternoon and that's like on all the weekdays and I come back home at 6." Why was he trying to scare Junmyeon away with the schedules?

"Okay." Was his simple reply.

Chanyeol was still in awe. It was more than amazing that he might be getting another babysitter, especially someone that his children might actually get along with, but at the same time, he didn't know what he should be really feeling at the news.

It was then that Jongin broke his trance.

"Appa, can he start working today?"

"Yeah! Ahjusshi, can we go to the playground with you like the other day?"

His eyes almost bulged out of his sockets. No, this was too easy.

"Jongjong, behave." Of course, the boys quieted down and that drew a curious brow from Junmyeon who was listening intently. "Are you sure you want this job? These two are not easy to deal with." Maybe, he shouldn't have said that in front of his kids, but then Jongdae scooted even closer to Junmyeon, practically sticking to his arms.

"I'll behave, appa! I won't scare Ahjusshi away."

"Please let us play with Ahjusshi!"

"Woah... what did you do to my kids?" His head was spinning – maybe out of confusion with a mix of delight that his kids would be taking responsibility for a babysitter.

"So I'm confident I know what I'm supposed to do."

"Do you?" Baekhyun's voice had always been a little high from time to time.

They were now at their favorite café and right at the moment, Junmyeon was being torn apart by the eommas and the one puppy dad who were suffocating him with questions upon questions while Chanyeol was sat at a different table, forced to watch and unable to interact with them.

Junmyeon patiently waited for his friends to finish all their speeches and warnings before he took a deep breath and smiled at them, firmly digging in his roots.

"I will admit that I have never babysat kids full-time before, and I might need some guidance." There wasn't even a tinge of hesitation in his voice. "But you don't have to worry about me learning how to care for them. I used to volunteer at local maternity wards and take care of children in pediatric hospitals in my time off from my duties."

Was it possible to adore Junmyeon all of a sudden? In one second, Chanyeol was taken to a dreamy white room filled cotton candies and rainbows where Junmyeon was telling fairy tales to children, cooing at them for doing a good job, putting the infants to sleep with his soft angelic voice, and that made Chanyeol a happy man. Of course, now the ladies were just staring at him with dreamy eyes, probably imagining the same thing as Chanyeol's.

"I know the basics key principles of looking after kids, and I'm also a certified first responder, equipped with the skills necessary to provide aid where there are needed. Therefore, if anything unfortunate were to happen, I can assure you that I'm qualified to keep the children and Chanyeol safe."

Wait... did he just call out his name? It was then that at the mention of his name, Chanyeol turned to Junmyeon out of reflex and caught his intense, dead-serious look his face. That was enough to make Chanyeol flush furiously looking away and sipping at his coffee nervously.

"I know my status as an ex-soldier may scare you, but I know I can do this as the nature of the job doesn't mean that I can't take care of children."

"Wow." Was all Seulgi could say.

Baekhyun no longer held a grim face and brightened up at the soldier's genuine determination.

Then, Taeyeon spoke with a less threatening voice. "If we come off as ignorant of your skills, I apologize on everyone's behalf, but the true reason why we're doing this ... well, Junmyeon-shi..."

The fact that Junmyeon took it so seriously had Chanyeol all burning up. So much attention. Chanyeol was used to the eommas and Baekhyun taking care of him, but a stranger...

"Why do you want to do this? Aside from the financial stuff, of course. With skills assets like yours, I'm sure this job is not the only choice."

As much as Chanyeol was glad that his friends were able to ask deeper questions than he could ever do due to his biases towards Junmyeon, Chanyeol didn't want to Junmyeon to waver. As much as he wanted to not have Junmyeon around, he _kind of_ wanted Junmyeon to _want_ to be around him. Chanyeol then kept a mental note to sign up to go talk to his therapist again with his crazy back and forth feelings.

It took the soldier awhile to gather his thoughts, but then Junmyeon made eye contact again and Chanyeol felt like crawling up the vent and hiding in his ball of shame. Junmyeon's eyes were dangerous and safe all at the same time. He felt genuine emotions and intentions, but he was also feeling a strange unknown feeling. And when Junmyeon smiled, Chanyeol subconsciously returned it.

"As a good neighbor, I should at least help him out with that."

Chanyeol got the hiccups and Junmyeon just chuckled.

Why did Chanyeol felt the déjà vu?

Chanyeol could tell the mothers were swooning at Junmyeon again. They did gossip about the rigid soldier to him that no matter weird and uncanny his behaviors were, they couldn't help the love glasses they put on, seeing him as a model walking down the runway while Junmyeon was only walking down the street to buy some breakfast.

"Yah! Park Chanyeol! This is insane!" Taeyeon kept on pinching him while Seulgi was playing with her braids. 

Junmyeon had now taken a break while the rest of them tried to evaluate the results though it seemed like it didn't really need much more confirmation.

Then, Sunny, the redhead fireball that she was, fell over the table. She had been the worst amongst them, asking too many personal questions, but Chanyeol couldn't really blame her. The woman was known as the investigator, master of all social media. Her connection to information was so big he thought that even the government and the secret service couldn't compete with her.

And right now, she was smiling and staring up at the ceiling dreamily. "My god... a handsome soldier who loves kids, ready to protect and attack?"

Baekyun rolled his eyes but his actions defied him as all of them including Chanyeol sighed happily at the thought. 

"So, Chanyeol, it's down to you again." Baekhyun softly patted his back and Chanyeol was back at the café. He should really slow down on the daydreaming. "We're okay with him, but are you?"

He wanted to seem sophisticated and firm, but the words came out his lips like jelly. "He said he'll take care of the children... and me." He didn't even realize he spilled the last words out loud until everyone got quiet and watched him intently.

His best friend once again broke into a huge smile and suddenly embraced him tightly while the eommas just watched the two of them with delight. "Yes, Chanyeol, will you let him?"

The way Baekyun drew back and stared at him like he was delicate flower had him stunned.

"Yeah... I'd like that."

And just like that, he'd gotten himself a new babysitter.

 _Hopefully._

He silently prayed that this one will stay. 

* * *

**_O love, so long as you can love. –Franz Liszt_ **

Was the first quote he saw on the first pages of Chanyeol's favorite book. Already Junmyeon knew this was going to be an emotional ride. He had read some of Shin's works before, but this, from Chanyeol, the internet and Oprah, yes, _that Oprah_ , claimed was her best one.

 _Please Look After Mom_ had a new meaning ever since Junmyeon realized that Chanyeol wasn't alone in the summer because his wife packed up to enjoy her vacation out in someplace.

The books he had bought he finished all of them quite easily. It wasn't like he spent most of his nights sleeping anyway.

Before he could start reading, the leaflet on the table that Chanyeol worked so hard to get up to his apartment clung at his wandering thoughts.

Why did he tear that off? Why did he have that?

He was just letting off steam running around the neighborhood hours ago and then, out of the blue, he just decided that he was fit to take care of children like that?

Junmyeon then remembered the kisses Chanyeol gave to his twin sons and in a way, he didn't know that he had been missing out on children. He had been serving for so long that he forgot how much fun it was around children. It was when Jongjongs started playing and clinging on to him that he was brought back to the days that he spent singing lullabies to crying babies and swaying them around until they fell asleep.

He shook his head. It still didn't make sense that he should do this though.

For now, Junmyeon decided to stop thinking about it and turned his attention to the book again.

It didn't really help to know that this was Chanyeol's preference.

A story about a family who suddenly lost their mother figure felt too close and personal with him knowing that Chanyeol's wife wasn't around at all. For a moment, Junmyeon wondered if the twins knew of their own mother's existence.

Already, just twenty pages in, Junmyeon had to put the book down and take a breather.

A story of a mother taken for granted. Her children as the protagonists didn't even know half of who their own mother was and it was clear that it was going to be more than difficult to find where she was since nobody in the family truly knew who she was.

Junmyeon's fingers were shaking.

For what reason was this book Chanyeol's favorite?

The novel made it worse as it was written in the second-person perspective, making the reader like him felt like he was one responsible.

The soldier feared that an unexpected episode of his nightmare plaguing his mind, so he put the book away and calmed himself down.

Now, Junmyeon looked at the leaflet again.

All of a sudden, he made his decision.

He wasn't sure exactly what message Chanyeol was trying to tell with this book, but Junmyeon felt a much stronger urge to get to know Chanyeol and hopefully protect him. He didn't fully understand it. Maybe, it was because Chanyeol had twins, and they were hard to care for and Junmyeon truly wanted to help, or perhaps there was something more.

So before his wavering mind stopped him from approaching Chanyeol, Junmyeon planted himself before Chanyeol's door with the leaflet in his pocket, ready for the responsibility.

Junmyeon then rang the doorbell.

"Baekhyun-shi?"

Junmyeon opened his apartment door to see an unexpected face. He quietly admitted in his mind that he had hoped it was Chanyeol.

"Junmyeon-shi, I'm sorry, but can we talk?"

12:34 am.

They were sitting on the wooden bench below the tree loudly swaying its branches to the songs of the cold midnight breeze.

"I know this is inconvenient for you and I'm truly sorry for interrupting your sleep, but I can't keep this to myself."

Junmyeon saw the agency in Baekhyun's eyes, the quiet pleading expression, in Baekhyun's shivering shoulders, the hands trying to keep himself warm. It was clear that he came in a hurry to talk as the man didn't even put on a jacket – still wearing the same t-shirt he had on while interviewing him just less than 24 hours ago.

He understood. Chanyeol was an extremely rare soul and even if Junmyeon had only known him for a short time, he got that strange feeling about Chanyeol. And he knew that his friends wanted to protect him because of this quality especially his children. Obviously, a retired soldier like him could be a threat to the nice neighbor.

The soldier kept silent, waiting. For a while, Baekhyun just stared up at the moon in that clear midnight sky void of soulless clouds and filled with brightly lit stars.

"I know it's been said, but why do you want to do this, Junmyeon-shi? Why do you want to babysit the twins? Why Chanyeol?"

That question that he had been trying to figure out for the past two days. Something that had been answered, revised, answered, revised countless times in his brain that even though he had convinced himself in that interview all those hours ago, Junmyeon still struggled truly pinpoint the true intention of his own.

Junmyeon knew that telling Baekhyun about the book wouldn't even make a strong argument either as he, too, had been trying to tell himself that maybe there was something about Chanyeol and his favorite book, but from a logical standpoint, Junmyeon knew that the average person wouldn't make this kind of conclusion.

"I don't know." He said, disproving his own belief that he might actually have a reasonable point to this thing. "I don't have a clue." That was the true reason. Junmyeon didn't get it either.

Baekhyun sighed and leaned back, and Junmyeon was ready to be bashed upon for the insincerity and inconsistency of his answer when he found Baekhyun actually staring at him expectantly.

Of course, Junmyeon looked back at him and concluded that Baekhyun was waiting for his true reasons. His word of defence. His justification.

"You're not wrong about me..." Junmyeon continued, finally trying to find an answer in the process. "I'm so out of place. I don't know what to do. I ... 15 years. I'd been doing what I'm doing and now, I'm just sitting here - not in a uniform."

"Well, it makes sense then."

The soldier cocked his head to the side. He learned about Chanyeol's wife passing and something about his favorite book that might shine a light to who Park Chanyeol could be, but that was all he'd gotten. 

"I shouldn't be talking to you about this, but I personally think that you should be informed regardless of Chanyeol's consent." Baekhyun's deadpanned expression kept him in that familiar territory of danger. "Chanyeol has been... for these past few years, it hasn't been easy for him without his wife."

A feeling Junmyeon could possibly relate.

"He just – I mean... It's not hard to find babysitters. Jongjongs are sweet children while, yes, they misbehave and don't like some people, but then again they're kids." Baekhyun was rambling at like this point, each word came faster than the last trying to speed through like the thought would go away if he didn't get it out swift enough. "The guy doesn't know he's the problem. I'm sure that he's convinced you and especially himself that it's the kids. He'll tell people it's the twins that drive people away, but it's not them... It's him."

It shouldn't be surprising that Junmyeon was faced with conflicting news. They only knew each other for less than a month. Anything he learned about Chanyeol was still new to him, but this was still jarring to him.

"Chanyeol started to bare everything on his own and poor guy has been trying really hard to fit in. Again, I know I shouldn't be talking about him this way and certainly not to a stranger like you. However, for the first time... He's accepting someone, not scaring them away. He seemed attached to you, Junmyeon-shi, and it made me happy and scared at the same time because I fear that if something goes wrong this time, nothing could be salvaged."

His hands were now in Baekhyun's as Baekhyun gripped and dug his fingernails unknowingly due to the intense story he was telling him.

"That's why we're having this conversation, Junmyeon-shi. If you're wondering, no, I didn't have this conversation with any other babysitter, but something happened between you two and although I can't put a finger on it, I know that you two are drawn to each other. What I'm trying to get through to you, Junmyeon-shi, is that Our Chanyeol is still very much... naïve and one would say – inexperienced."

Baekhyun let go and turned away. His voice grew tired and hoarse.

"He may look jolly and happy, but like you, he doesn't know exactly where he is. These past years without her had rendered him a shell of a man and there's only so much a friend could help before he shut us off."

Junmyeon understood the magnitude of the situation, but to have it spelled for him so clearly was hard for him to swallow. Somewhere in his mind, Junmyeon wished that he had friends like Baekhyun, a true friend who genuinely worried about his wellbeing.

"For now, Junmyeon-shi, that's all I can tell you. The rest is up to Chanyeol to reveal to you. It looks like he's chosen you for some reason to be vulnerable to, and please... I ask for one thing and one thing only for you not to take advantage of his fragile state."

"You have my word."

"Whether you care or not about his problems, the thing is that you don't make it worse for him."

He could tell the man was getting defensive in his manners and gestures with his shoulders higher, chest bigger, voice shaper, Junmyeon got where he was coming from.

"I know that maybe his problems aren't as big as yours - being a single father compared to a retired soldier, but they are _his problems._ What's he going through is difficult in his own ways as you have your own problems in your own context. And I hope that you won't disrespect him due to that struggle difference."

A firm nod for Baekhyun. This should be scaring him away. All of this talk. All of this warning of Park Chanyeol and his complicated life and just like Baekhyun had said, the soldier had problems of his own and now he was walking into another person's life who had just as much trouble as his albeit in a much less similarity.

Baekhyun was beaming at him. "Though I think that if it's anyone who could get through to him, it's you." Somehow, that phrase made Junmyeon felt a little special. "I think you could understand him. And he could understand you, too. From all the things he told me about you, it's obvious you're not just any other person he'd interacted with."

A connection. Yes, Junmyeon felt it. Junmyeon thought back through his messy mind and this was certain. 

A connection. It felt easy with Chanyeol. And from Baekhyun, it sounded like it was easy for Chanyeol, too, when he was with him.

"I don't have any intention to distress him. The opposite really. Even though it's still unclear to me why I want this, it's easy to say that... I'm fond of him." Junmyeon admitted and Baekhyun chuckled, patting his back in the process.

"Everyone around here is fond of Park Chanyeol. He's that infectious."

"He is."

And like that, Baekhyun declared that he could finally get some shut-eye after talking to him. "See you tomorrow, Junmyeon-shi."

"Ne, Baekhyun-shi."

That promised morning, Junmyeon stood before Chanyeol's doorstep once again with a renewed sense of purpose. 

He could see the smile Chanyeol had today was different.

"Junmyeon-shi." 

"Chanyeol-shi." 

He, too, sensed that his own smiling today was unlike any other day.

Finally, both Jongin and Jongdae were in his arms and playing with his hair and already Junmyeon felt like a new man. And he was okay with that.


	4. Chapter 4

It felt as if the neighborhood was engulfed with a different kind of air.

An extremely powerful one wafting right into Chanyeol's face as Kim Junmyeon seemingly catwalked down the sidewalk with his two adorable children in his arms. A stone stoic face with what seemed to be just a dollar sunglasses looked like a handsome model fresh out of the spiciest fashion show. Even his simple black attires of a black t-shirt, black trousers, which crazily hugged his soldier muscles a little too tight for Chanyeol's liking.

However, it seemed like the eommas beside him didn't mind. The women were just falling on each other, trying to keep one another standing as they ogled at his neighbor's classy aura.

"Pss... Man, he's not even trying." Baekhyun muffled as his little Sehun tried to smack him square on his forehead, struggling to keep just one child in his arms, unlike Junmyeon.

"Are you sure he's not a celebrity?" Seulgi timidly chirped from behind Chanyeol's giant stature with the little Minseok quietly beside her.

"I would just put him in a glass box," Taeyeon added, giggling at the sight, with little Wendy pulling her to tell her about what she was going to learn in school for the day, to which Chanyeol found impressive.

"If he needs money so much, I could hire him as my maid and become the happiest woman." Sunny sighed dreamily while the little Kyungsoo just groaned at his mother not paying attention to him. Chanyeol had a feeling Kyungsoo may have something against the soldier.

When Jongin actually laughed at something Junmyeon said, the boy hid in the soldier's neck while Jongdae was just staring attentively at Junmyeon like he was studying to pass an exam.

At that sight, a piece of Chanyeol died a little inside.

"So, I'll just wait here to pick them by at 2 pm, correct?" Junmyeon finally finished his modeling footwork with the twins softly snuggling in the built soldier's arms.

His brain was still processing at how brightly Junmyeon was smiling at him that Baekhyun had to answer for him.

"Yeah, all of us are going to be here."

Sehun was going to smack his father again when he saw Junmyeon and immediately tried to reach out. "Suhorang~~ Suhorang~~"

"What?" His father tilted his head, not understanding why a grown man would look like a winter Olympic bear.

"Suhorang!" the kid scoffed angrily demanding Junmyeon's attention. The soldier, of course, was reluctant at the fact, but the twins urged him to get close to the little one.

At this point, when the soldier's face got in range of Sehun's arms, the kid just reached out to squeeze Junmyeon's cheeks with his tiny little fingers, at which Junmyeon only chuckled.

"Appa! I want one!" Sehun happily patted Junmyeon's face so tenderly that Baekhyun felt threatened.

"He's a human."

"He's Suhorang!"

"No, he's not."

"But he's Suhorang!"

Everyone thought it was a joke when Sehun actually started to hiccup and groaned like he was ready to scream into Baekhyun's ears to get what he wanted, but Junmyeon being the generous and polite man he was leaned into Sehun's head, bumping their foreheads together, as his hands were occupied with the twins who were at awe at Junmyeon's face all of a sudden.

"How about we play together when Jongjongs and you finish school?"

To be honest, Chanyeol _sort of_ agreed with Sehun, looking at Junmyeon's face long enough to imprint the Olympic bear's iconic smile on the soldier. Plus, Junmyeon always wore black. If Chanyeol could just get him a white shirt... maybe... maybe.. maybe, he'll look more handsome –

_Wait._

He would look more like _Suhorang_.

Yes. That's it.

"Yay! I want to play!" Suddenly, Junmyeon and Sehun were doing the nose rub on each other and Chanyeol felt so attacked as he had never seen such a beautiful thing in his life like Junmyeon –

_Wait._

A beautiful thing like Eskimo kissing children.

Yes. That's it.

Seconds later, the bus arrived and everyone sent their kids off like always, telling them to behave in class and respect the elders.

The two of them alone.

"So, let's go." Junmyeon started when the others said their goodbyes and went their ways.

"ne?" A little stun was Chanyeol. "Where?"

"To the bookshop? Aren't you going to work?"

It was then that Chanyeol remembered that he was wearing his contact lens with his hair swiped up professionally, his attire proper and clean. He felt a little proud that he didn't look too bad like he always did. Suddenly, it came to Chanyeol that –

"You don't have to get me to work?" Questioningly said Chanyeol. He had no idea what tone he should set.

"Well, it's not like I have anything else to do until Jongjongs come back," Junmyeon said as a matter factly. His eyes so clueless that he thought the act didn't affect Chanyeol at all.

"Oh, okay."

Chanyeol wasn't going to say it, but he was glad that Junmyeon was by his side. 

* * *

"You have a really nice voice." Chanyeol blurted out when Junmyeon hummed something absentmindedly. And of course, that caught the soldier off guard while his neighbor just bit into his own lips, probably embarrassed at the statement.

Chanyeol was fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. The clean swipe of his hair, the shiny glasses he wore, the white shirt he had on for his bookkeeping work. Chanyeol when he worked always seemed a lot more mysterious despite how easy it was to read him.

He hadn't realized he was staring until Chanyeol cleared his throat, the taller man reddened under his gaze. Junmyeon swore he saw something about Chanyeol's thumb. Something a little crooked there, but he turned away. Chanyeol had to work.

The soldier's eyes were drawn to the books first before he could think of pushing the glass door open once more.

"I have time to kill. Is it alright if I just read here?" he finished the bulk of books he bought the other day, but there was one book he hadn't gone through. "Until I have to work?"

Those huge eyes were always full of questions, staring at him with such a fast blinking rate and not leaving his gaze whatsoever. Chanyeol's eyes reminded him of a golden retriever's. Suddenly, Junmyeon noticed his fluffy red ears, slightly lop-sided.

"oh, of course. Read as many books as you like," in a strange softer voice Chanyeol breathed out and proceeded to set up his working area.

Junmyeon had been hallucinating these days, but not about Chanyeol. Something was definitely off with his tall neighbor.

A few steps towards one of the bookshelf, the soldier shook his head. **_Nothing's wrong. He's normal._**

The heat was crawling up his skin again, the images were starting to form in his mind, the flashes were slowly flickering in front of him, so he tried his best to hang on the voice he was least fond of telling him to breathe properly. **_Oh, dolphins._**

His fingers traced the cover of the book. The National Geographic had always tugged at his heartstrings with their animal photos.

Meanwhile, from the counter, Park Chanyeol stared shamelessly at the soldier who seemed to enjoy reading about animals.

"I guess I'll see you at around 6?"

Finally, the soldier had the willpower to leave the enticing books alone as his work hour approached.

"Um, I'll give you a call." A toothy smile, but then Chanyeol's eyes almost bulged out of his sockets, his cheeks suddenly deflated. "Wait, I don't have your number."

His large hand held out the phone, and Junmyeon didn't bother to restrict himself and let his fingers traced the crook of Chanyeol's thumb. He was curious after all. As he was tapping in the phone number, he could tell Chanyeol seemed shaken, yet able to keep his composure and waved him off a small goodbye once he handed back the phone.

He knew he had just as many questions as Chanyeol had for him.

His back pressed against the swing, eyes readily watching the children play.

"My goodness. Are you a bodyguard?" none other than Byun Baekhyun looking at him with a doubtful expression while the other eommas were just smiling at him and watching him rather than their own kids. Well, he was told that he was quite eye-catching.

"What?"

He realized that his sunglasses and his arms crossing with a permanent frown on his face along with his black attire didn't seem too welcoming to say the least, but the twins were having fun their own way, riding on the swings happily with Sehun and Xiumin, not really caring about what he was doing.

"Suho-shi! Play!" Sehun called out to him with his clearest voice, trying not to let the lisp get the better of him.

"Oh, alright. What is it you want to play?" The kids then pointed at the loopy loop. "well, play it then."

"It's not fun if it's just us." Jongdae chirped in with Jongin jumping from behind.

Junmyeon didn't understand until he was on top of the slide, Sehun's tiny legs straddled his waist, Jongdae secured in front of him, Jongin hugging him from the back while the little kid, Xiumin just happily waved at them from below.

In all of his years of training, this was quite a workout. The kids had so much fun sliding down with him and now they weren't letting him go. He was certainly sweating now. Each slide down dragged his soul a bit more and more. The loud childish laughs filled his ears, but it didn't bother for even one second. Anything that can distract him. Keeps him calm and aware.

"Up, up, up!" The twins demanded, and of course, Junmyeon couldn't refuse, picking Jongdae with his right and Jongin with his left.

Sehun giddy on his toes, short arms too reaching out for his hold, which drew a fond sigh out of him.

"No, Sehun. You're gonna hurt Suhorang." Before Junmyeon could actually offer to pick the little kid up, Baekhyun scooped his pouty kid into his arms and continued with a worried look towards the soldier. "You seemed winded. How about we all get something to eat? Sehun-ah, burger?" of course, the child was instantly beaming at the suggestion, furiously nodding along.

The twins were more than well-behaved. Jongin just quietly ate his burger while Jongdae happily waited for Junmyeon to feed him his fries. From time to time, the kitten looking kid would spill something about Chanyeol, comparing the soldier to his father. "Appa doesn't play with us as much."

"He's tired, hyung." Junmyeon could tell Jongin was distressed at the fact but kept his head low, eating his meal properly.

"Are you playing with us tomorrow?" Jongdae asked, his voice so small, and Junmyeon couldn't actually believe that the twins looked scared, waiting for his answer.

"Of course, I am." A soft pat on Jongdae's curls and a small smile for Jongin immediately lighted up their days like it hadn't been so entertaining all day for them.

Off they went to another part of the park, and Junmyeon was silently watching the children from the wooden bench with Baekhyun. Something crawled at skin suddenly, and the soldier straightened up his back, his sunglasses pushed up a little and his eyes wandering from left to right, his head not moving, not wanting to give an impression that he was surveying the area. Turning to left, he bent backward and pushed at his back, stretching and kept his eyes alert.

"You're doing alright." Baekhyun startled him with the sudden words. "The kids enjoy your company more than the other babysitters."

He couldn't shake that feeling off, but he replied to Baekhyun, the perfect time to ask, "The others?"

"Well, there has been a lot. I mean they didn't do much wrong, but Chanyeol always finds a way to fire them."

Soon, the weird shiver down his skin lessened and Junmyeon relaxed, finally piecing together something in Chanyeol's life. "The kids asked if I'm here tomorrow."

"Being a parent is hard, especially having to handle everything alone... He can get a little paranoid." The look in Baekhyun's eyes said something more than he let on, but the soldier kept quiet.

Later in the evening, Junmyeon was in Chanyeol's living room sitting back in a compromised position, back against the couch.

"Rawrrrr~~" Jongdae did his best impression of a dinosaur and Junmyeon couldn't help but crack a smile at the cute little gestures with his tiny arms. "Hey, I'm super scary. Be afraid!"

"No! Junmyeon Ahjusshi, I got you!" Jongin cutely or not so cutely ramped his whole body into Jongdae and rolled them across the floor, tickling his brother into submission.

"Ah, I'm saved." Truly, his tired muscles took a break and he let the twins crashed into him with all of their shenanigans with Jongin trying to reach across him and tackle Jongdae over his slacked body.

"Wait, it's time for Larva! Ahjusshi! Let us watch the TV!"

**_Oh, yes, please._ **

And so, Junmyeon laid on the couch on his side, Jongin sat back against his chest while Jongdae sat on the floor giggling along with his brother watching the cartoon peacefully, ultimately leaving the soldier to catch his breath.

6:15 pm.

And Junmyeon swore he felt something moving towards him and his fist closed ready to get anything before when the familiar deep voice pierced his ears.

"What did you do to ahjusshi, huh?"

Chanyeol on the floor before him ruffling the kids' hair and Junmyeon realized that he had fallen into a deep nap in the midst of role-playing as one of the worms in the cartoon. Chanyeol rolled up his sleeves and put on his glasses, picking the children off of the fallen soldier.

"But Ahjusshi is warm. More cuddles..." Jongin still tried to snatch Junmyeon's black t-shirt and Junmyeon's heart was tucked forward along with it.

"Come on, now. Let's have dinner and you do your homework, Jongjong." Seconds later, Junmyeon felt big hands gripped at his biceps and Junmyeon sat up, a simple nod greeting his tall neighbor. "Junmyeon-shi."

"Chanyeol-shi." It was clear that Chanyeol wanted to laugh so badly, but Junmyeon just sighed and stretched his back, trying to get his legs to feel something again.

A deep chuckle close to his ear.

"It's alright. I've been through worse."

"Stay for dinner. It's the least I can do for you."

"I don't mean to be rude, but I'd like to leave. I need my evening run."

And Chanyeol was always this bright for him. Just like the children. "Okay, but wait..." off he went to the kitchen and Chanyeol was back with a box of fruit juice.

"Ahjusshi!" The twins ran back and suddenly he was smothered with kisses on his cheeks, a blessing. "Bye! See you tomorrow! Wait, us too!"

Junmyeon tilted his head in question and Chanyeol seemed a little reddened as he pointed to his cheeks and forehead. The soldier was more than happy to comply as he leaned in to plant sweet goodbye kisses on the twins' cheeks and forehead before looking at Chanyeol, stopping himself as he almost leaned into to do the same to the taller neighbor. A quick approach, but Chanyeol was fast to pick up what was happening and blushed even harder.

"Bye. See you tomorrow."

As he was sweating through his black tee, running in the park, the quiet atmosphere setting his havoc mind at rest, Junmyeon caught himself smiling at the image of a flushed Chanyeol. 

* * *

He watched closely as Jongdae snuck up on Jongin who was certainly clueless at everything happening around. Suddenly, he was brought back to a time when somebody snuck up on him instead. The hair on his back rose and it tickled his fragile brain before a small tuck at his feet carried him away from the memory to back to Sehun who was looking up at him expectantly.

The soldier had always heard the loud demands from the little kid whenever he was with his father, but for some reason, Sehun just stayed quiet next to him. A knowing smile, and Junmyeon took a knee to level himself with Sehun who immediately cracked a smile back at him when given attention.

"Where did Baekhyun-appa go?"

"Getting my ice cream!"

Junmyeon could actually imagine Baekhyun going haywire just getting the ice cream. "Why didn't you go with him?"

"You." Oh, his answer was so simple. He wished his life was that simple, just pointing at something and getting it.

Once again, all the chills on his body dissipated and warmth flooded his veins and he could breathe easier. "Come."

An easy scoop up and in his arms, Sehun was finally giggling in his neck, arms stretching out to poke at his muscles. Even with his old wrinkled face, Sehun didn't leave anything unexplored, pulling at his cheek muscles and smoothing over his forehead and hair. The little thing did more than cheered him up really.

"You have a lot of scars," Sehun muttered under his breath while he kept on poking on his face and soon his fingers trailed up to his scalp. "Wah~~ What happened here?"

There was a long scratch from at the back of his head, but since he'd gotten great hair genes, his thick strands of dark hair were very good at hiding them.

"Um. I hit my head against a door." Or actually a door was hit against his head, but the kid shouldn't really know the difference yet.

For once, Junmyeon felt comfortable with someone touching him like this, as usual, it didn't end well with too much skinship.

5:15 pm.

They were heading home with Baekhyun and the other eommas. And Chanyeol was a bright thing for him to see when walking home as they crossed paths.

Junmyeon could feel eyes on him.

"I'm so sorry, but you can go first with Jongjongs. I'll catch up to you later."

"Oh, what's the matter?" Baekhyun struggled to speak as Sehun kept trying to poke at his cheeks.

Chanyeol certainly wanted to say something, fidgeting with Jongin in his hands. As Junmyeon put Jongdae down and gave his hands back to Chanyeol.

"Just picking something up. That's all."

He could feel it.

The man stayed behind the bushes, his mask pulling up to cover his face. These days he should be enjoying his vacation, but this solider was giving a headache that he couldn't ignore. Plus, he was his favorite soldier. How could he ignore the man?

"Aiyoo~ where did he go?" Crouching this much would certainly make his reproductive systems all crunched up.

Suddenly, a soft tap on his shoulder, "What are you-"

"AHHAHHH~~" He had never been more feminine. Not that there was anything wrong with being feminine. "Please don't hurt me! I'll give you all my drugs!"

"-doing here, Zhang?"

Of course, he fell over on his butt and let out a huge sigh of relief when Junmyeon was looking down at him with such an unimpressed look.

"Oh, hey! Captain! What a coincidence!" But then the soldier's eyes had gotten dark in a way that sent chills down his spines. "Hey, how- how about a drink?"

Junmyeon stared questioningly at Yixing, who was supposed to be professional, but the man just giggled throughout the whole caramel frappe. The man's eyes crinkled at every man and woman in this café and it was getting on Junmyeon's nerves a little. His stylish get up in hoodie and jeans really didn't make him seem presentable at all, but maybe Junmyeon was asking for too much.

"Who knows of my location?" A dry question. The soldier really tried not to push his aggression into his words, but it had been difficult with Yixing.

"Just me."

"I thought it was my supervisor who knew."

"Well... I'm THE supervisor." A pretty blink of innocence at Junmyeon.

An awkward silence. He hadn't had that in quite a while.

"Anyway, I see you've taken up a new job. It fits you strangely." Yixing leaned in, his chin resting on the palm of his hands, his eyes seemed to be thinking of something else. "I like seeing you smile, Captain."

Maybe, it was just the way that Yixing was friendly to everyone, but something in Junmyeon couldn't help finding the man's behavior endearing. Perhaps, if it had been different circumstances, they would have gotten along better.

"Why are you here, Zhang?"

It was that knowing look at the Yixing always had when he looked at him. "Isn't it obvious?"

Yixing then reached into his pocket and pushed forward a small plastic bag.

Something stirred in Junmyeon's stomach. Swallowing the empty space in his mouth, Junmyeon stared at the bag.

"Please. Take care of yourself, Captain. I know it's difficult, but we still need you. And I promise I'll be here if you need me."

"But you weren't." was Junmyeon's immediate response.

Yixing's eyes were almost bulging out when the words struck him.

"Thank you, Zhang." _What was that!?_ His breaths were slowly clogging up, his legs struggled to stand up, "I'll take care of myself. Don't worry."

"Captain, I –"

"Bye, Zhang."

His hand clutched the small bag as he ran and ran.

His visions blurred. And he was in the snowy mountains, stuck and scared. His hands cold, his body stiff, and he could hear the wolves howled when –

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, ASSHOLE!" a loud car honked at his frozen self, and Junmyeon was back in the middle of the streets.

He stumbled his way up the bus that just arrived and he sat down, his head against the glass, his eyes wide open, trying to keep himself awake, his fingers fishing into the bag, trying to find the right medicine, shoving the small tablets down his arid throat.

It wasn't long before his eyes started to water and tunnel visions clouded his mind and all his could see was snow. 


	5. Chapter 5

11:15 pm.

Chanyeol stared at the clock.

He had already put the kids to sleep. His job was done.

Chanyeol drew back in his warm yellow hoodie. A cold windy night. Head filled with worry. His mind preoccupied with a certain person who had made such an apparent impression in his gloomy thoughts.

Junmyeon had promised to catch up, but he was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, Chanyeol found himself blushing and shook his head. No, he shouldn't be stalking Junmyeon. The fact that he had been peeking out of his door and ringing Junmyeon's door just in case he missed him coming up the elevator the millionth time was more than creepy.

His feet tapped against the cold marble floor as he rang the soldier's door. Hands dug deep in his messy hair.

_Aish, Park Chanyeol, stop being creepy. Give your neighbor space._

Junmyeon, on the other hand, found himself in another part of Seoul, staring down at his own feet. His tired eyes tried to look for something. Under the lonely streetlight in the garden, Junmyeon sat alone on the freezing steel bench watching the busy street staying alive despite the late-night hours. He didn't really dress up for such a brutal chill. He saw snow, but then he didn't. It was hard. He could see his breath drawing desperate whites in the air. His fingertips getting too rigid to move properly. He knew he should be doing something to keep himself warm – the military had already taught him how long ago, but in reality, it would be cold. It would always be cold to him.

Blue. All he saw now was blue.

Even with the loud cars driving by, it was getting too quiet. It was getting too dark.

Then, his phone rang.

Chanyeol was calling him. He would've questioned the reality of this happening at such late hours, but Junmyeon was far gone asking questions. His trembling fingers slid across the screen, and when the second started counting, Junmyeon's heart was a little less heavy.

"Omo! Jun-Junmyeon-shi?" it must have startled him, Junmyeon picking up the phone too early. "Are you – I mean I don't mean to disturb at this hour. I – just – I, um. Where are you?"

"Chanyeol-shi." A soft voice. Maybe, even his vocal chord was giving up, but for Chanyeol, he would keep talking. A small breath. "Gangnam."

"Huh!? What- what are you doing all the way there?"

Somehow, Chanyeol's panicked tone calmed him down a little. To know that someone was worried. "I don't know."

Silence.

A comfortable one.

"Junmyeon-shi?"

"Chanyeol-shi?"

There was a pause. For some reason, he could almost feel what Chanyeol was feeling though he had no idea what the feeling was.

"Come back to me?"

Junmyeon blinked. It was as if his heart stopped for a second hearing those words said in such a deep tone. He could sense Chanyeol's warmth from all the way in this cold Gangnam night. He could see Chanyeol's shy eyes trying to look at him, finding his own lost vision.

"Come back. You have to look after Jongjong tomorrow, remember?"

Now, Junmyeon sat at the back of a late-night taxi cab, his heart yearning for something, something to call home. Perhaps, there was a reason for all of this. His mind whirled, knowing that Chanyeol wasn't sleeping because of him. He wanted to tell the driver to go faster, but knowing Chanyeol, the taller man would have disapproved. Chanyeol barely knew him. Barely knew the person that he truly was. So gullible.

His fingers were a little less cold. Maybe, it was the heater. Maybe, it was Chanyeol.

3:35 am.

A little bow towards the older man who brought him back.

A step on the concrete.

A stretch after a long drive.

"Junmyeon-shi!" Such a clunky man running towards with his hair unkempt as always.

"Chanyeol..." a small whisper. His shoulder slumped in relief.

When Chanyeol was closing in the distance between them, he slowed down and unzipped his big yellow hoodie. "Goodness, Junmyeon-shi, it's so cold tonight. You're shaking! Here."

Sometimes, Junmyeon forgot that Chanyeol was big. Like really big. The fact that he could drape his arm over him and the whole hoodie was covering him. It was strange that such a huge man seemed so... small. He watched closely as Chanyeol's eyes grew ever bigger looking at him all over, checking if there were anything else out of the ordinary. 

Soon, Junmyeon registered the heat in Chanyeol's hoodie, and with Chanyeol pushing in his arms into the sleeves and zipping it up for him, Junmyeon felt a rush of warmth burning in his stomach.

"You know," The hood then placed onto his head, covering his reddened ears. A final touch from Chanyeol. "I don't actually have work today..." It was a Saturday. Junmyeon remembered while in the taxi, watching the colorful city lights burned onto his pupils.

"I know. I just want you back here." It was such a bright and tender smile, but then it seemed like Chanyeol realized what had come out of his mouth and panicked. His eyes blinked, face blushed, hand ruffling his own hair. "I— I mean—"

"Me, too."

Chanyeol was finally seeing the whole picture.

Junmyeon so small in his big hoodie like a soft little yellow fluff ball. His hair peeking from the hoodie his head that it seemed to be at his eye level that made even Chanyeol uncomfortable, so before he could stop himself, he brushed aside the dark raven hair from Junmyeon's eyes, revealing such a deep gaze behind it.

"Um..." Reluctantly, he retreated and his feet poking at the concrete below. He wanted to do something to show that he was glad that the soldier was back in one piece. The need to treat him, but then Chanyeol remembered that Junmyeon wasn't Jongjongs.

"Chanyeol-shi." The voice brought him back from worry.

"Ne, Junmyeon-shi?"

It was just a few seconds, but it felt like forever locking eyes with the soldier.

"... nevermind."

Though the air was freezing off his skin, to see Junmyeon hugged his hoodie closer made Chanyeol all warm inside.

* * *

"I can't believe you like Fifty Shades of Grey." Chanyeol just gasped in horror, his voice tinged with both surprise and dread. "It's a mystery that you even read it the first place!"

Junmyeon, on the other hand, just laughed to his heart's content, his arms still hugging Chanyeol's warm sunflower sweater. It was Chanyeol's idea that they didn't need sleep for the rest of the dawn. Tired from the nightmare and the long night drive, Junmyeon peacefully agreed to Chanyeol who was just as restless from worry and needed to know that the soldier was perfectly okay before he could even fall asleep.

"Well, I don't particularly enjoy it for the obvious reasons..." Junmyeon just couldn't get over the fact that Chanyeol was now looking at him like he'd committed the worse crime. Oh, if Chanyeol knew that he'd done things much worse than taking a liking in the fanfiction. "I just find it ... hilarious."

Sipping on the coffee Chanyeol made, the soldier slowly grew accustomed to the big furnace that was Chanyeol's presence. The shivering ice-cold burden seeping away from his clouded mind and replaced with the brightest of sunshine. His legs swinging under the Chanyeol's kitchen table. Trying to keep his voice down, not wanting to wake the children up so early.

"At least, you didn't read the whole trilogy."

Junmyeon stayed silent and waited—

"... No."

"I even read the Christian's POV—"

"NO, KIM JUNMYEON! YOU DIDN'T!"

A punch in the biceps and Junmyeon once again burst out laughing while his taller neighbor's emotions were changing and floating on his face ever so obviously.

"It's funny! I mean, you can't really get much in the military. Most books that were donated were just... bad romance novels for mothers of three."

The taller seemed to be less alarmed now. His eyes finally understanding although Junmyeon couldn't help but notice the change in Chanyeol's posture when he mentioned the word 'mother'.

He could feel Chanyeol's stare gracing the back of his head, but Junmyeon just kept on quietly drinking coffee, letting his eyes closed in peace.

8:30 am.

Junmyeon opened his eyes to see Jongin sitting on the kitchen table in front of him.

"Ahjusshi, good morning." In the smallest voice, Jongin greeted him with a shy smile. "Did you sleep with Appa?"

To that, Junmyeon just chuckled at the clueless statement. "I borrowed his shirt. That's all."

"Ahjusshi looks pretty in color." Even the children picked up on his black fashion.

"Thank you, Jongin-ah."

"Ahjusshi!" the older twin screamed in delight when he noticed the soldier playing with Jongin. "You stayed over last night? Oh! You haven't showered, Ahjusshi! Let's get you cleaned up! Shower with us!"

But Chanyeol was already shushing Jongdae, ignoring the blushes blooming at Jongdae's bold offer.

"Appa can wash Jongin, and Ahjusshi can wash me."

So, Junmyeon found himself scrubbing at Jongdae's back in the bathtub with Jongin giggling and playing with his brother while Chanyeol just kept his head down low as he washed Jongin. The body language was quite clear. Chanyeol seemed to get nervous every time he was around. Was the soldier that scary?

Jongdae turned around, his small fingers poking at his hardened abs he acquired throughout the decade. "That's a lot of scratches. Where did you get it?"

If there were anything these children taught him, he knew one thing clear that he couldn't really hide anything from them at least the less traumatizing stuff.

"I had to fight a lot."

"Oh, like in those action movies?"

It was evident how Chanyeol was surprised at Jongdae's knowledge of such Hollywood shenanigans.

"Yes, like in those action movies."

Meanwhile, Chanyeol got to watch his kids washing Junmyeon's hair, refusing when the kids asked him to join. It was enough seeing Junmyeon so much better like this. Something must have triggered the soldier and set him off far in the night, but Chanyeol only knew so much.

Unknowingly, the taller swallowed down his saliva as the water trailed down his neighbor's body. He had gotten some estimation of how much muscle Junmyeon might have, but this exceeded his previous expectations. Underneath all that dark and gloomy attire, Junmyeon was so much bigger than him in muscle mass.

It was when Junmyeon turned around that Chanyeol's breath got caught in his throat. The long stretches of scars and dark patterns of burnt skin made Chanyeol's heart weep. The urge to brush away all the pain from Junmyeon only got stronger as time passed. Sometimes, Chanyeol wondered if Junmyeon was as worried about him as he was about the soldier.

But that wasn't difficult to confirm as a built and much stronger arm came to steady his waist when Chanyeol almost slipped in the bathroom, trying to get up.

Again, Chanyeol found himself staring at the soldier in his wet glory. The tight boxers didn't really block his imagination, only spurring it on. Shaking away the strange thoughts, Chanyeol gave the soldier a small nod before changing the water and finishing up the wash.

While Junmyeon was drying up the kids, Chanyeol couldn't help draping a towel over the thick and meaty shoulders. It was clear Junmyeon was going to get a cold from the long night and so much water all at once like this.

"I'm so sorry that you had to go through that," Chanyeol muttered under his breath, drying himself up.

"It's alright. I don't mind them." The children were already out and running in the living room while they were alone in the bathroom. So much tenderness in the soldier's voice. How could such a gentle person be in such a ruthless occupation?

Quietly, Chanyeol watched Junmyeon put on his black shirt. As the soldier's arm reached out to the yellow sweater, Chanyeol's head started spinning as Junmyeon wore it on top of his clothes.

"Jongin likes the color. I thought I should wear it for his sake. I hope it doesn't bother you."

"No! NO! Not at all. Everything's fine. It's perfect. Oh, right! Um, we're going out to play and eat. You're welcome to join us." Why were his legs shaking all of a sudden?

And Chanyeol was lost in silence as he gazed at Junmyeon smiling brightly and playing with the children in the swings. Staring intently as Junmyeon fed Jongin and Jongdae their fries while he himself tried to eat his hamburgers in peace. Remembering how the past would overlap his emotions.

_The wide and gentle smile greeting him as she turned around from picking her groceries._

_"Chanyeol-ah," she would wave in front of his face, her tiny fingers pressed softly on her own belly. "Where were you? Look, he's kicking."_

Chanyeol watched as Jongin's and Jongdae's sleeping face resting on Junmyeon's shoulders as they strolled slowly back to the apartment. The sun setting on them. The taller neighbor silently followed from behind, seeing through the back of Junmyeon's dark raven hair as the soldier carried the twins in his arms. A smile on his face.

It was the first time in three years that Chanyeol felt something lifted off his shoulders. Even just a little. Chanyeol could feel it.

He helped Junmyeon picking Jongdae off and laid the kid down on the bed while the soldier helped to put Jongin on his side of the bed and pull the blankets over.

The kids hadn't really gotten their teeth brushed yet, but for this one time, Chanyeol would let go.

"Thank you so much for –"

"It's nothing really." Junmyeon was one step in his apartment now while Chanyeol was gripping at his apartment door, his feet wanting to lead him closer to Junmyeon, but he stopped himself, digging his feet in his own apartment. "I like hanging out with them."

Chanyeol wanted so bad to say he enjoyed being around him too, but maybe it was inappropriate. "I'll make sure to add to your paycheck."

"No, Chanyeol-shi. You don't have to."

"But..."

"I insist. It's I that should be owing you. Thank you for your hospitality." Junmyeon was in his black shirt again, yet Chanyeol could still see him in his sweater.

"I..."

There wasn't much exchanging after that. Chanyeol's feet pushing against the marble floor and Junmyeon smiling at the quiet neighbor, his shoulders pressing against the door frame.

"Good night, Chanyeol-shi."

"Good night, Junmyeon-shi."

A huge sigh of relief as Chanyeol slid down his door, sitting there, star stuck and letting his heart beat at the way Junmyeon smiled at his children. Or rather... at him.

* * *

Junmyeon stared at the lonely couch in the living room, feeling soft his back on the mattress he didn't earn. From the way his neighbor convinced him, it was the opposite. A deep breath he took before turning away from the stacks of books at the corner of the room. Junmyeon remembered his purpose of coming here. To settle himself. Find a balance. And with the way the twins screamed at his ears all day, the soldier wasn't sure if this was the right path.

"Thank you so much, Junmyeon-shi." Chanyeol and his lanky height bowed towards him, hands full of sleepy Jongdae and Jongin. "Good night." 

Just the way Chanyeol would greet him and the way he would thank him for doing well with his kids... Chanyeol had this goofy toothy smile that he rarely ever seen in a man or at least most men that he had encountered most of his life. Rarely a smile reached their ears. Usually, a knife reached their temples.

But he could tell.

Baekhyun was right about a connection.

Junmyeon could almost feel Chanyeol trying to draw him in. Unsure of what exactly, but Chanyeol always took a step back, waiting for Junmyeon. 

"You don't have to, Jun—" that bright smile graced Chanyeol's lips despite his actual statement as the soldier took Jongin from Chanyeol's arms.

It was after a long playdate with Sehun and Xiumin and now the two were on the local bus, getting ready to get off to their final stop. The gold in the sky reflects back the final warmth of the evening before the cold breeze whipped them off their feet. An air of calm swept Junmyeon of his feet, feeling Jongin easily melted into his touch. The tiny arms holding on to his mostly broken body set his troubled mind at ease. Junmyeon's heart beat with the rhythm Jongin's soft little snores, his heavy burdens lifted off his shoulders. Even just for a while.

The hum of the machine vibrated throughout his muscles, but Chanyeol was next to him holding Jongdae close to his chest, large hands cradling the little boy with love that Junmyeon found himself curious about what it was like, radiating a force also shook Junmyeon. The heat in his Chanyeol's thigh seeped into Junmyeon's body.

"I want to. Plus, I think Jongin likes me more now." Junmyeon's thumb soothed away Jongin's tensed back and rub at his bangs, luring Jongin into a dreamy sleep.

Chanyeol would also light up with flushes on his cheeks, and his eyes would move ever so slightly before burning bright cherry. Maybe, even Chanyeol himself didn't notice, but the taller bit lips hiding his face in the comfort of Jongdae's hair. And Junmyeon understood where Jongin got that from.

Junmyeon thought it was deliberate that Chanyeol would _accidentally_ push the stop button, but the soldier didn't really think ill of the taller neighbor. It was endearing really. They got off the bus a stop too early but walking with Chanyeol with Jongin in his arms made up for it.

"Finally, my boss hired a few more people. It was getting a little too much at the store mostly alone."

It was the gentle breeze sending Chanyeol's locks dancing, bangs going a little crazy on his forehead. But Chanyeol didn't seem to mind and was lost in the conversation with an old and tired soldier like him.

They walked in sync, arms filled with the twins sleeping the tiredness off on their chest. 

It wasn't too bad, Junmyeon thought.

The soldier could get used to this.

Junmyeon could get used to the twins.

But really, at the back of his mind, he knew that he could get used to Chanyeol, too.


	6. Chapter 6

It was getting more difficult to sleep.

Perhaps the medicine didn't help.

Junmyeon thought of Yixing and remembered how he'd left the man alone, running off falling into a deep episode before Chanyeol actually pulled him back. He tried his best to help, but Junmyeon just collapsed regardless of the help.

Slowly, from his couch, Junmyeon pushed away all the books that were starting to stack in the corners of the room. Should he buy a bookshelf? Not that it would contain all the books in one anyway. He probably had to buy a few.

His eyes caught a few torn pages at the corner of the bed. Junmyeon's heart was heavy.

He could only push away the episodes for so long. The books could only accompany him for a time before something else takes over him during the sleepless nights. In the midst of all thousand pages, the back of his mind screamed for attention, to get out, to let loose. So many letters curved in the paper, so many memories burnt into his brains, so many images he couldn't erase forever embedded in his psyche.

7:45 am.

A knock on the door.

A few actually.

Junmyeon knew now he didn't have to bring his gun with him.

"Ahjusshi!" It was Jongdae that barged through the tiny opening before Junmyeon could fully open the door, holding on to his legs like he was his favorite teddy bear. "Good morning!"

"Good morning, Jongdae-ah." The soldier leveled with the small adorable twin, patting his head before he noticed Chanyeol's door left open wide.

"Oh, Junmyeon-shi! I'm so sorry about Jongdae." It was the taller man in his green sweater this time. He really did like to wear a lot of sweaters, this Chanyeol. "Dae! You can't just invite yourself in like without Ahjusshi's permission! It's extremely rude. Apologize."

Junmyeon was about to say it was okay for the kid to do so, but the stern look in Chanyeol's eyes, something he'd rarely ever seen on the bright and colorful neighbor got all the words stuck in his throat.

"Hmm..." a soft whine from Jongdae, the kid snuggled closer to Junmyeon arms stretching to hold the soldier's body, mumbling something against his chest he couldn't hear.

"Dae. Louder. Say you're sorry."

"I'm sorry, Ahjusshi..."

It sounded like Jongdae was about to cry, but Junmyeon pulled back and placed a soft kiss on the little mischievous boy on his unkempt hair. "I forgive you."

It didn't take long for his eyes to sparkle and jump in his arm with joy. Jongdae giggled when Junmyeon started to tickle him.

Chanyeol let out a tired sigh, unable to stay mad any longer, bowing a little towards the soldier in an apologetic move. It was understanding that Chanyeol knew there were things Junmyeon wouldn't want to let the children know, but already Jongdae just barged into his life without asking.

Junmyeon didn't find it intruding strangely.

"Junmyeon-ahjusshi... hello." It was Jongin that hid behind Chanyeol Junmyeon just noticed. "Can I come in, too?"

"Of course."

"See, Dae? Do it like Nini next time."

Jongin looked like he wanted the attention too, but his little curious eyes wandered around Junmyeon's apartment before his tiny finger poking at the soldier stiff muscles. Junmyeon turned to the younger twin who suddenly also looked like he was about to cry.

"Ahjusshi live alone? Isn't that very lonely?" the small voice started to waver, but Junmyeon's palm rested on Jongin's head, rubbing softly.

Well, it seemed like all the empty space really got to the kid. Compared to his apartment, Chanyeol's place was filled with colors and furniture comfortable for a family life though Junmyeon doubted if he himself deserved that.

"I'm alright. Don't you worry about me, Jongin-ah." But Junmyeon's heart suddenly slightly lighter once more.

"I'm not alright." The tiny twin almost shouted back, roughly hugging Junmyeon from behind, his tiny head pressed against his scarred and torn back. "I don't want Ahjusshi to be alone."

Chanyeol, on the other hand, stayed silent, not knowing exactly how to act, and Junmyeon could see something similar in Chanyeol's eyes when Jongin said that.

"Nini-ah~ Don't cry..." Jongdae pulled away from Junmyeon and climbed over his thighs to get to the little brother at the back. Everything about the children really warmed Junmyeon's heart. Even he could tell that no matter how much of a trouble Jongdae caused, it never really involved Jongin. The bigger twin soothed Jongin's tears away with a confident voice, being the bigger protective brother he needed to be. It was as if Jongdae never even considered crying just seconds ago. "How about we let Ahjusshi get to know some of our friends? And then they can be his friends!"

The soldier stayed seated while the twins ran off back to their place called home.

Not long before, when a much bigger teddy bear ran towards him that Junmyeon's eyes widen.

"Jongdae-ah, Haneul is your favorite. Isn't that too much?"

Jongdae appeared from behind the bigger bear and jumped into Junmyeon's arms once more, taking the sunflower bear's hands and placing it in Junmyeon's much rougher ones.

"I have plenty of friends, Ahjusshi! And Jongin will be okay too when he knows my Haneul is keeping you company." The soldier cooed at the little twin before shaking Haneul's hands with Jongdae. "You're friends now! You can hang out and never be alone again!"

Junmyeon heard something choked and looked up to Chanyeol who was frowning all of his eyebrows into a determined look not to cry out in those wide pink eyes of his.

"Kiyomi, this.. is Junmyeon Ahjusshi." It was Jongin that walked forth with his corgi plushie and Junmyeon just looked at Chanyeol who was smiling so bright, so proud of his kids. "Kiyomi is a good boy. He keeps the monsters away at night. He barks very well, too."

"But what about you, Jongin-ah?"

"Don't worry, Ahjusshi! I'll keep the monsters away from Jongin at night!" Jongdae's voice always so high, always so ready to piece through very everything and it'd just pieced through his broken heart. "You are the one who needs Kiyomi and Haneul!"

When Jongin offered the big plushie, Junmyeon bowed towards the little twin and took Kiyomi from his little fingers.

"Thank you very much, Jongin-ah."

Jongin blushed and smiled timidly when Jongdae rushed to pull at his cheeks. "You're so adorable, Nini! Yah! Let's take Kiyomi and Haneul and put them there? They can sit with Ahjussi!"

The soldier finally stood up with the taller neighbor who was threatening to cry this time, eyes brimming with shiny droplets at what had just happened.

"Like father, like sons..." Junmyeon said to Chanyeol who was starting to turn red. "I don't know if I'd said this, but you've raised them well, Chanyeol-shi. They're very nice kids."

"Oh. Oh, ah, well— Thank you. I mean. It's not that difficult— I mean, no it's actually very difficult. Raising children. I—"

Junmyeon chuckled when Chanyeol just shook his head and cut himself off.

The twins took their time introducing their favorite companions to Junmyeon's place, talking about how great the tired soldier was that it almost made Junmyeon turn into a mess of cheese. It didn't look great his apartment, but for some reason, the twins made it sound so homey to their friends that Junmyeon almost believed it too.

8:00 am.

"Come on, now. It's time you go to school." Chanyeol stopped the twins' commotions.

"How about you bring Kiyomi and Haneul over? I want to hang out with them a bit." Junmyeon waved the twins over.

Now, Junmyeon's hands were filled with Haneul on his right, Jongin holding on to Kiyomi on his left. Jongdae happy and giddy in Chanyeol's arms simply reached out to Jongin and patted his head as the four of them made their way to the school bus.

"Oh, my god... Can he be more perfect? I ask myself every day and he can." Seulgi gasped with the other eommas who was now just swooning over the handsome soldier with all the stuffed animals and twins.

Baekhyun only rolled his eyes.

Chanyeol, on the other hand, just kept silent throughout the thing. Junmyeon could feel his gaze, stealing a piece of view each time.

Waving goodbye with two big stuffed animals was a bit difficult, but Junmyeon managed. The twins happily waved back up in their seats from the school bus. And as the engine hummed away, the soldier turned back to Chanyeol was just fidgeting with the hem of his lime green sweater. Such a huge stature and yet Chanyeol managed to make himself look small.

"Thank them for me too when you're alone with them."

And so, Junmyeon walked with Chanyeol to the bookshop, ignoring onlookers that stared strangely at all the toys. A nice day.

Although Chanyeol tried to apologize that the twin could have been bothering him, Junmyeon smiled and reassured that it was the opposite.

With Kiyomi and Haneul on his sides as he read in the bookshop where Chanyeol could see him, Junmyeon stacked a bunch of paperbacks all talking about graphic design and interior design. Maybe, he could try a little bit with the apartment. The last he wanted to do was upset the twins.

Yixing always told him to try for others since he found barely anything held on to with his hollow self. Even though Junmyeon hadn't truly forgiven himself of all the things he had done, he wanted to be good for the twins and Chanyeol. 

Finally, he could feel himself trying. That's good.

* * *

Junmyeon now had the courage to read a little further the story of the finding the lost mother, but once more he could only go as far as twenty more pages before feeling drops cascading down and damping the paperback. The more he read, the more he missed the family he didn't know. To feel such regret and intense sadness only when one lost their mother... and realizing how one had been hurting her all this time...

The soldier put the book down next to the dog plushy on the right side of his bed.

1:30 am.

He had been mapping out his whole apartment, staring back and forth between pieces of furniture that he bought along with the space they should occupy.

Play mats sprawl over the cold hard surface of the floor. By the corner right of his living room was a small wooden rectangular table, not too high for the twins and not too low for him and Chanyeol.

Finally, the man had given in to buy a bookshelf for all the books that he stacked so carelessly around the room. They were simple enough to install.

He could only buy so much for one day with his two hands.

A little more needed to really bring all the pieces together. Just some plants that were easy to maintain, some more colorful decoration... Junmyeon wasn't sure what exactly, but maybe more reading and searching might help. A couch definitely needed. Junmyeon wasn't quite comfortable with the plushies on the bed. Yet.

The soldier stretched himself only to meet with the eyes of the teddy bear on the left side of the living room on his bed.

His shoulders slumped. He had to put in more effort if he wanted to do this. This still felt hallow. A shell of a home. It was difficult when he didn't have a replica of his own from his younger days.

Junmyeon brought his hands to his cheeks. Perhaps he smacked himself a little too hard, but it helped him snap out of it. While he still had the heart to do this, he had to go with it. It was rare whenever something like this occurred. For reasons Junmyeon himself wasn't sure of, the old soldier knew to take care of the children, but to go this far... he had yearned for a home. 

He remembered thinking about finding a place called home, but now his mind was clearer without the adrenaline of his nightmares and Chanyeol's presence... surprisingly, Junmyeon realized how selfish that could be doing this towards Chanyeol's family.

His feet brought him to the bed where he laid in between Kiyomi and Haneul. Again, he smacked his cheeks. The way the twins had welcomed him, he shouldn't be thinking of their kindness as exploitations. They were on their own volition when they helped and Junmyeon was also willing to return the offer and complying with them. Until he could hear it himself that Chanyeol's family declare him being selfish for wanting to get close, he just couldn't assume what they were thinking of him. 

**Just try to be a good neighbor. Good. Good. Good. Good.**

To distract himself, Junmyeon wrote down the shopping list, trying to speculate what the twins and Chanyeol would like.

**A burden.**

His eyes twitched. His ears could hear faint whispers and screams.

**No. Shut _it._**

_\- Larva_

_\- Chicken_

_\- Dinosaurs_

_\- Hamburgers_

Junmyeon paused trying to think of what Chanyeol liked... his lips biting the pen, his head pressed against the teddy bear, his staring up at the stars, his heart no longer erratic from the intruding thoughts.

**Chanyeol.**

Junmyeon blinked.

It was strange, but the solider was suddenly reminded of all the wide-eyed neighbor brushing away his dark fringes on his forehead when he first stepped back into the neighborhood the night he had an episode. His fingers rubbed at his own black t-shirt as Junmyeon found the yellow sweater a welcomed warmth. The meat of his arms remembering the firm grip of Chanyeol's touch as he pulled his arms into the sleeves of the hoodie.

It was unsure when, but the old soldier was out. His tired fingers lost their grip on the pen. Muscles smoothed, relaxed. No frowns on his face. His eyes closed with darkness, lacking the shapes of his nightmares. A smile etched on his lips.

There were no 20 minutes' intervals in his slumber.

Junmyeon slept through the rest of the night peacefully. 

* * *

Junmyeon opened his eyes.

His nose deep into the teddy bear's fur. What followed was a yawn and a sneeze.

The old soldier spent 20 minutes of silence on the bed, sitting there with a thought before getting ready for the children.

"Um, for tomorrow, you don't need to pick up the kids. It's their play date with Sehun and Minseok."

Chanyeol tried to put on the final sock on Jongin's left foot while Junmyeon tried to keep Jongdae still with a staring contest.

Chanyeol was running late today. It seemed like something happened last night. Junmyeon could see the tired lids resting on his gloomy eyes. The slightly puffy bags under his eyes must have entailed a sleepless night.

"And for Friday... you don't have to pick them up." As they waved the kids off to school from the sidewalk, Chanyeol turned to Junmyeon when the school bus was out of sight. "It's a day off."

The old soldier stared at his tall neighbor, hearing the lower tone of his voice was quite the change. The bright color seemed to seep away from Chanyeol with each word he uttered.

"Okay." It was better not to ask, Junmyeon thought. Noticing the averting eyes, he quietly sighed. "I have an appointment today, so I won't be at the bookshop."

"Oh... right. Goodbye, Junmyeon-shi."

"See you in the evening." The old soldier tried to be natural. A smile and a pat on his tensed back. Chanyeol looked a little rattled but quickly bowed and turned his heels towards his destination.

The old soldier in the opposite direction could feel Chanyeol's gloom from all the way here even when so many steps passed and so much further away from him now. It made him wanted to turn back and run to the man to ask how he was. A strange feeling stronger than sadness when he saw the bright neighbor in a frown unable to smile genuinely.

Junmyeon sat quietly in the coffee shop. He was two hours early for the appointment and could have been watching Chanyeol working, but he wasn't sure how to approach him. It was always Chanyeol that had come to him first, calling out to him when he needed help.

"Wow. I thought I was early, but I was wrong." Yixing came an hour later with a relieved smile when his eyes lit up seeing the soldier. "Is it possible that you look more depressed today than any other day I've seen you? And I trust me. I've seen you in bad shapes."

Of course, he burst out laughing right after. Junmyeon was unimpressed.

"I'm kidding!" it took a while for him to recover before chuckling at the old soldier. "But your face is kind of..." his finger made a circling motion over his face. "... obvious. You usually hide it well."

Junmyeon blinked.

"There it is again." Yixing rested his chin on the palm of his hand, intrigued by his expressions. "You usually look unimpressed like earlier or ... nothing. My robotic captain."

Yixing finished with a wink before getting called to pick up his drink.

It was Junmyeon's second lemon iced tea. Sitting around for hours shouldn't be free after all.

"Who's the special one making you drink all this lemon tea?" He did order it too when they met previously. He just didn't have the time to finish it though. "You're a water guy. More or less, you should be ordering at least 5 water bottles by now."

Yixing was too smart for his own good. And Junmyeon found it annoying.

"Is it the same person who's making you show all these emotions?" a mischievous sip from the matcha macchiato, his eyes squinting studying every muscle Junmyeon could move on his face.

Junmyeon scratched at the collar of his t-shirt as he looked away.

"I knew it!" Junmyeon heard clapping. Of course, he was congratulating himself.

"You have three doctor's degrees in this. Obviously, you know."

"Oh my god. Sass! Yas, captain! Work that sass at me!"

If this man was supposed to be his therapist, how could old Junmyeon ever hope to find peace?

"It's very synthetic, your expressions. 90 percent of the time, I've never been sure at how you truly feel cause you fake it so well." Yixing played with his paper tube, a knowing look on his wrinkled face. "This time around, I can see real emotions."

Junmyeon contemplated and breathed out because he understood that it was important. "I'm working with kids."

Yixing slightly nodded, ears open. Junmyeon could tell too that Yixing was elated as he was slowly opening up to the younger man.

"I'm afraid my episodes could ..." a deep breath. "I know it's never going to go away, but... I want to try to stop them. At least when it's necessary."

"Cap, the fact that you're talking to me means you're already got this under control to an extent." The dimples were prominent on the younger's face and Junmyeon focused on them. "I think part of you have somewhat suppressed the break."

Junmyeon thought about it. It made sense. He had been doing a lot of things for the twins... and Chanyeol, too.

"It's almost like you're having children on your own." A big smile this time. "You know, parental instinct kicking in."

Junmyeon had other instincts, too, but – **not enough to save my comrades.**

"Hey," a poke at the cheek. "Feel your glass. Cold, right?"

Junmyeon turned away from Yixing's dimples and now his thumbs sliding against the mist on the glass.

"See the water go down when you sip your tea?"

Junmyeon sipped the tea, feeling the refreshing sense down his throat. It wasn't fire. It wasn't burning. The sour yet sweet taste rushed down his senses and it made him wanted to drink more.

"Deep breaths."

It was a bit before Junmyeon's attention was on Yixing again.

"They must be precious, huh?"

Junmyeon stared into the younger's eyes. The one that had always been beside no matter how hard he tried to push him away. The old soldier felt like he should've tried harder. Of course, Chanyeol's family was precious. They were happy and Junmyeon liked to keep it that way regardless of his presence. And now, he remembered that Yixing too was somewhat... something to him, too, but Junmyeon couldn't say that to the counselor's face. It would definitely boost his ego and his ego was already bigger than the amount of universe there was.

"Yeah."

Shopping was never easy for Junmyeon. And adding Yixing to it didn't really make it any better. Although in exchange for the annoying teasing and nonsense, Yixing did help with the colors and choices, in Junmyeon's mind, however, it wasn't worth the little sanity he had left.

"What about stuffed animals, plushies for extra soft cuddles? You're on the list of top 10 men who needs a cuddle, and I'm on the list, too... maybe we can do something about it? Together?" it was the way he added unnecessary info to everything he said. Junmyeon wasn't a good conversationalist, but Yixing was one of a kind. "I don't pick. I switch as I see the benefits of both positions. Big spoon gives me maximum comfort embrace power to cuddle small spoon, and small spoon gets the maximum warmth big spoon can endlessly provide. 10 out of 10 wholesome."

The old soldier just sighed and quietly picked his own preference either. It must be very satisfying right now to be Yixing as he was doing everything he suggested.

"I bet you the kind who likes it both ways." Giggles near his ears as he scanned the rows of plushies. The more he looked at them, the cuter they appeared. Junmyeon could definitely see why it calmed both children and adults if adults gave them a chance to which Junmyeon was willing. "You're a caretaker, but you don't mind getting the attention."

Every time Yixing winked, Junmyeon wanted to put his elbows to good use and land them right in his orifice.

"Well, actually, I don't have to bet. I know you're capable of doing both." Yixing smiled at him with a hopeful look, his arms hugging a unicorn plushie of his choosing. "You can do it, Captain. You can take care of the children, and you deserve the care you need."

For once, Junmyeon sent a small smile his way, and it almost as if he could see hearts coming out of Yixing's eyes, drawing a quiet chuckle out of him.

"Aw, bears are adorable... Oh— that dinosaur too. Good eyes, captain. Damn it, now, I'm in love and I have to get them, too."

At least, Junmyeon could trick Yixing into carrying everything home.

For the rest of the afternoon, before the twins came back, he and Yixing worked in the decorations. Perhaps he should have bought some quality earbuds to block out the shenanigans.

"Just remember, when you feel it coming, you just focus on your senses, alright? Your hands, your feet, your body. What are they touching? What are they feeling? You're sweeping the floor, the dust flying in the air, the rubbish coming along with the broom... things like that. You pick something physical and you focus on it. They're called relievers."

Junmyeon nodded, noting down what to do.

"Good. Actually, keeping track of your triggers can also help, so you're able to identify them faster and deal with them before they turn into full-blown episodes. At best, slowing it down, so you have enough time to get out and find a safe place for you and further from others to let your episodes run wild."

The old soldier felt like he'd been told this before, but knowing how unstable he was back then, he might have forgotten most of what happened. Each nightmare appeared to him like repressed memories although he could remember clearly.

"Note down your relievers too. If it all goes well, you might not even need medications at all. Just some light doses." There was a worried expression on his face as always. Yixing was always worried. Junmyeon wondered if he too had troubles sleeping as he did. "Although keep in mind that your triggers could always change and the same goes for your relievers. Worst case scenario is that you could no longer rely on what came before. Your body and mind decide to create a new trigger, _and_ your past relievers no longer works..."

"What do I do then?"

A quiet moment. Junmyeon was 40 years old and depending on how much left he got on earth, he would have to deal this for this rest of his life.

"Let's hope you're in a safe place before it kicks in."

As his shoulder slumps, Yixing chirped out another soft reply.

"There is another way..."

The soldier waited.

"Letting your guard down."

For a second there, Junmyeon bit his lips. It was already bleeding.

"This isn't something you can do alone. The technique I just told could only do so much. You need someone, and it doesn't have to be me." As Yixing cleaned his hands and fixed his hair, he got ready to leave, hands on the door handle. "Someone you can trust. Someone you can handle. Someone that can handle you."

Junmyeon doubted if he could find one, but seeing how Yixing smiled at him, the old soldier felt that there was a chance that he could as long as he tried.

The elevator door opened. The soldier stepped into the fresh air once more, but this time, his eyes were drawn to the familiar mop of hair at the bus stop along with other eommas. Junmyeon wanted to go and ask why he was out of work so early, but he kept to himself a few more minutes before having the strength to move towards the tall neighbor. However, he couldn't ask the question. 

"Chanyeol-shi." It was that little jump that made the old soldier smiled. Chanyeol turned to him with wide eyes like always.

"Junmyeon-shi."

There weren't much said, which would have been normal, but Chanyeol still looked uneased. Junmyeon was never good at driving the conversation forward, so it was Chanyeol who carried most of the work. Usually, even in silence, Chanyeol was biting down a wide smile next to him.

For once, an uncomfortable silence.

The bus was running late, he wanted to say, but Junmyeon felt like it would make Chanyeol more disturbed if anything.

Even with the background traffic, people walking past behind them, and the eommas gossiping next to them, Junmyeon could hear his heart beating so loudly in this silence. A good thing actually, he needed something to focus his attention on, but it seemed like Chanyeol was taking up more space in his mind at the moment.

When the twins were back and everyone gathered at the playground, Chanyeol kept to himself and played with Jongdae as he accompanied Jongin and Sehun.

No matter how loud everything was with Jongdae and Sehun fighting for his attention, it was quiet without Chanyeol talking to him.


	7. Chapter 7

Junmyeon gazed deeper into the darkness. It felt cold on his skin. The tiny window into the abyss. Staring straight down the barrel of the gun, Junmyeon held his breath. His fingertips felt the weight of the firearm as he leaned against his front door.

The room decoration was finished but still incomplete. The colors were there, but something was still missing. Missing as if the children were to play here, it still wouldn't be enough. Why? He thought this would suffice, yet it was he who inhabited the space. He was the shallow one after all. Everything was colorful, except him.

A tired groan and he leaned into the freezing metal, his forehead pressed against his own weapon. His rough thumb grazed gently on the trigger.

At that moment, Junmyeon heard faint footsteps from the other side of his door. His eyes averted to the clock.

8:00 am.

The soldier sighed and dumped his gun into the waste bin and peeked through the peephole. He couldn't see the twins, but he saw Chanyeol pushing the glasses up the bridge of his nose. Junmyeon felt relief like no other as he watched his neighbor walking away. He could step out right now, but there was the dry smile again.

It was for a flash of a second that Chanyeol's eyes met his through the peephole, making Junmyeon feel exposed although he was behind his door. Maybe Chanyeol knew he was watching him. After all, it wasn't difficult to feel another gaze on one's back. That feeling of vulnerability, of being watched, of awareness. Junmyeon was most acquainted with that feeling. Like right now, how his hair stood on his back, betraying his senses, feeling eyes behind him even though Junmyeon was the only one in his own apartment.

The soldier counted his breath in the elevator as it went down. It had been only a few minutes, but already he felt restless once more. The other days he spent without the twins for hours after sending them off to school before getting to babysit them. He had been fine. But why now? It was only one morning. He should have just gone out to greet them. Why did he have to hesitate? 

Junmyeon hid behind the pillar, looking as if he was just checking his phone, but in actuality, getting a sliver of the kids' outline as Chanyeol put them into Seulgi's car, and Chanyeol, himself, walked in a different direction from his workplace. Maybe, Junmyeon should have just asked why they didn't go to school today. Surely, it was more than just a playdate because why did the neighbor too have to take a day off? 

Without a thought, Junmyeon's feet dragged him to the wooden bench in front of the apartment complex. His eyes were on Chanyeol's back as the tall neighbor slowly disappeared from his line of sight. He wanted to follow, but that would mean exposing himself. Now wasn't the time to scare off Chanyeol.

Junmyeon spent the day running from the apartment to the park and all around the area to the point he couldn't feel his legs anymore. His hand held on his phone as he looked at the twins' pictures he took. From time to time, he had to stop and sit down, letting the feeling of his skin tearing apart invade his mind. Junmyeon tried holding on to the twins and Chanyeol in his mind, but it was too strong. The blade sliding across his back didn't stop.

However, he couldn't give in to the pain either. He knew it was all in his head. A water bottle in his left hand, the phone in his right, his feet kept on moving, his eyes staring only straight ahead as much as he could. If one of his limps were idle, it would try to hurt himself. He couldn't look like a battered man. Junmyeon had to be in shape for taking care of those other than him. It was a late revelation, but to get better not only meant self-care but also caring for others. His thoughts had to be busy thinking about the twins or else he was thinking about himself.

His sunglasses could hide the tears falling from his eyes. From others' point of view, he was just sweating from a hard workout.

It was cold and hot all at once. The sound of metal banging against metal scraping his ears tore away at his sanity. He didn't want to hear it anymore. He listened to this for more than a decade and didn't want to hear it anymore. The itch in his hands to make all the plunges of phantom blades into his skin through his flesh go away by stabbing them, he didn't want to feel them anymore. It was confusing. He knew it wasn't real, but it still felt too much on his skin, and to differentiate was to hurt himself to really know which was the phantom pain.

He was too tired now. He couldn't run any further. So many people, so many buildings, so many—

It was far from him, but his old eyes could see it. Junmyeon took off his sunglasses, suddenly enamored by the pink of the trees. He rambled there, slow steps, weak knees threatening to give out.

The cherry blossoms were bright and pink. The flowers stood above his head up in the trees. Their petals rained down on him as the wind blew away all of his sweat, drying him up. He didn't know how long he stood there, but that feeling of warmth that the trees gave somehow unclogged his mind, his blood no longer pool in his stomach, his breaths steady.

Junmyeon looked around. Lost.

Then, he spotted a familiar tall frame. It was the same hairdo. The messy curls and the handle of his glasses.

Junmyeon knew it wasn't Chanyeol, but whoever that random person was, he looked like his taller neighbor from behind.

**Chanyeol.**

Suddenly, it came to Junmyeon's mind that Chanyeol seemed upset. He should go and talk to him. At least, he didn't have to bring it up. Junmyeon could try to be a conversationalist even if he weren't good at it.

It took quite some time, but Junmyeon managed to plan out the bus route to take himself back to the apartment.

And all the way back home, all he could think about were the twins and Chanyeol.

Mostly Chanyeol.

* * *

_"Maybe if you trick them, the kids would propose to their girlfriends here like you did." She giggled smiling at him from behind the camera as she stole pictures. The view was nice. And he was handsome. "I think they would be even more charming than your guitar."_

_"Now that I think about it... it's pretty unoriginal..." the Seoul tower seemed to swing a little bit after his careless comment._

_"Did you just say that our proposal isn't special?" Her hand lowered the camera._

_In normal circumstances, Jongsoo would realize it was a joke and definitely come back harder and wittier than Chanyeol could ever do, but the twins in her stomach were really giving some strange hormone changes. Now she was ugly crying loudly to the world on the Seoul tower in the midst of hundreds of strangers walking past._

His glasses would fog up from time to time, being this high off the ground. The sun was slowly setting and he breathed his time away, not knowing exactly to spend it. He tried to be productive with his job and taking care of the children. But the more he thought about it, the less he realized he had done.

He didn't really need a reminder that his sons' birthday was tomorrow. The twins were going to be four in about 10 hours.

For the past 2 years, all Chanyeol could remember doing was waking up, preparing breakfast, going to any workplace that accepted him at the time, getting home, preparing dinner, getting the kids to sleep, and going to sleep himself before doing the whole process all over again. Well, there would be a few hiccups along the way with the school schedules and the babysitters that didn't seem to stay and do their job properly.

The first year of having Jongjong was even worse. He stayed awake for days on end, unable to leave the house and going to work, but at least the bank job he had at the time was nice enough to give him paid leave. However, he couldn't get the maternity leave benefits. Just because he was a man didn't mean that he couldn't care for his children. He was a parent, too. Women weren't the only ones with parental instincts and the will to protect their precious child.

Still, he wasn't a woman.

Of course, the promise fell short, and he had no job. Living where it was frown upon to be a single father was one thing, but having not one but two kids for the first time in his life was more than torture.

Sometimes, he blamed himself, which was acceptable in his mind.

But one time, he dared to blame the children. The twins that had no idea but be born into this world. Chanyeol would bang his head against the wall every time he thought of what happened. It wasn't him. He loved them more than anything in his life, and he was willing to sacrifice anything for them. To think that there was a time that he would think of something as despicable.

His hand came to grip at his forehead, the pressure so heavy Chanyeol thought he might have crushed his own head.

Jongin and Jongdae were crying in their crib. The milk bottle he tried to straighten on their chest so that they could just hold on to bottle on their own. Finally, Chanyeol was able to get them to sleep as they nursed when the phone rang. His job was gone and he had no energy to ask why specifically, his co-worker just mournfully told him that he overheard the decision and that he should be prepared for it if it were to happen. And at the same time, both families that never approved Chanyeol's and Jongsoo's marriage threatened to make him give the twins up because in their eyes, he was a man. He wasn't capable to love children as a mother could. And of course, the sink in his kitchen decided to not work anymore because why function when it could take away the last remnants of his sanity?

It was only a split moment when he had the thought, but it halted everything in Chanyeol's world.

He wasn't sure if he said out loud or mumble it or just a thought because everything was so hazy.

**Jongsoo would have still been alive if it weren't for the twins–**

Chanyeol dropped whatever tool he had in his hand in the sink while he was trying to stop the water from coming out. 

He couldn't believe that he would stoop this low, to think this way.

He realized at the moment that he never really got to mourn his lover properly because the moment she was gone, he had twins to look after and there was no time for anything else.

His hand no longer had gripping strength, his legs gave out, his eyes shut and his lips spilled out the cries he had been holding in for months.

He just couldn't believe that he had to do this alone. She promised that they would do it together. He had no idea how to do this. He wasn't even capable of taking care of himself. She was the one who put him all back together whenever he broke down, and he didn't even get to ask how she did it. Now, he had to just do everything on his own?

Chanyeol knew vaguely what parenting was, but it wasn't regretting the choice. Then, what qualifications did he truly have for being the parent of the twins?

**What should I do?**

He didn't know how long he was lying there on the floor, making a mess of himself, but the moment he heard that small cry from the other room, Chanyeol was completely entranced. His legs were already moving, and his arms were holding onto Jongin who was hiccupping throughout his adorable cry. It wasn't much really. Jongin just missed the milk bottle and woke up without it in his mouth made him all upset. Jongdae woke up, too, but he didn't cry. He yawned the biggest yawn he could muster, opened his huge googly eyes, gave Chanyeol the laziest smile, and just went back to sleep.

It drew a chuckle out of him and he couldn't help but showered little Jongin with kisses before putting him back in the crib. That was enough to power him for the rest of the day.

Just like that, Chanyeol couldn't even feel his eyes getting swollen from all the crying. It wasn't relevant. He silently went back to the sink, screwed tightly the faucet, and started cleaning his apartment. For a flash, Chanyeol remembered that he had just had a panic attack, but his brain wouldn't allow him to go back to that. Well, Chanyeol wouldn't allow it either. He had twins to look after, and his panic attacks could go to hell. No matter how difficult it would be, even if he knew he wasn't capable, he had to learn to be capable. Jongsoo gave up so much for him. It was only fitting that he would do the same for her.

The night came to tickle his senses and Chanyeol was back on the Seoul tower once more, chuckling bitterly at the memory. Maybe when Jongin and Jongdae finally could go to college and get a job of their own choosing, then maybe, just maybe, Chanyeol could truly cry in peace. But for now, they still got a long way to go.

A ring on his phone. A text.

**You're late to pick—**

Immediately, adrenaline rushed in, and Chanyeol was lightheaded. He was an idiot again, forgetting something as simple as an appointment. He was ready to jump off the tower and land on a bus on the way back home—

**the twins, but Junmyeon is at home, so I left them at his place. Don't worry.**

Relief.

Chanyeol smiled at the name. The beating of heart no long erratic. The things in the stomach seemed to panic in a different rhythm, a strange pattern, unlike fear. He sat on the bus with steady breathing, his head resting against the hard glass window.

The man rushed to the elevator, punching buttons, impatiently waiting for the opening.

Finally, Chanyeol rang the doorbell and there were the twins snuggled up against Junmyeon's on both sides as he opened the door. Another wave of relief washed over as he stepped closer to watch Jongin's sleeping face against the nape of the soldier's neck and Jongdae's head hanging over the soldier's shoulder.

A few seconds passed and he realized that he was leaning toward Junmyeon and resting his forehead against his while Junmyeon simply stared at him with a welcoming gaze.

"Oh... um... hi." Chanyeol drew back awkwardly, his hands fidgeting with the end of his sweater, fingers suddenly coming up to fix his own glasses, blushing at his own act.

"Hi." A small soothing voice. "Would you like to go home or come in?"

After all the reminiscence, it was better to stay clear of his home for now.

"If you don't mind." Chanyeol could only offer a weak smile, but Junmyeon didn't falter. The soldier simply stepped back and let him enter.

Then, Chanyeol was completely enamored. This was a different place. Chanyeol almost forgot how mechanical Junmyeon was when it came to decisions and stepping into his place with so much color and that feeling of home was definitely a surprise.

"I know it's not much. I just thought the twins would be less upset if I make the apartment more ... approachable." The man whispered softly as to not wake up the kids, but something was in his voice that made Chanyeol turned to him. "I was going to have them over at home, but they insisted on coming in, so..."

"It's okay. I'm glad you let them in."

Of course, Chanyeol meant more than literally, but it seemed like Junmyeon picked it up and chuckled at his words.

"Make yourself at home."

It was four years of constant uphill battle just trying to deal with the simplest things when it came to parenting. Things weren't going his way it seemed. Something always managed to go wrong, but right now, it was a rare feeling.

For once, things were going his way.

Before, he had thought Junmyeon was the reason behind these happenings.

Now, he knew it was Junmyeon. 

* * *

His eyes opened, waking up to his body circadian rhythm. The tears formed and wetted his tired eyes as he slowly came to recognize the unfamiliar place.

The twins were still in their slumber next to him as he held on to their side. The mattress felt wonders against his skin, making him realized that he hadn't slept on one for years. The bed was for the twins and his back was getting accustomed to the couch.

Chanyeol did remember lying on the couch, talking to Junmyeon, but the rest was a blur.

Pushing himself up, Chanyeol yawned and look to the side of the bed, trying to find his glasses. As it got less hazy, Junmyeon's figure came to his vision. The man was reading something on the couch, his eyes were transfixed before locking his gaze with him.

"Good morning."

"Morning." The taller man stretched his back and let out another yawn. "I'm sorry to have inconvenienced you. I guess yesterday did a number on me."

"It's fine. You're welcome to crash here when you need to." The soldier half-whispered with a promise, warming Chanyeol's heart too early in the morning.

5:50 am.

"Thanks... I think I'll go make breakfast now."

As Chanyeol strolled on his way out of Junmyeon's apartment, the soldier chirped, "Wait, what time should I wake them?"

"7 o'clock."

"I see. Do you want help in the kitchen?"

Although that sounded really nice... "I think Jongin would freak out without one of us here."

"As you wish."

Chanyeol was half-way out, his hand on the handle when he turned back to gaze at the back of the soldier reading in peace. From this angle, he looked... Chanyeol shook his head. "Junmyeon-shi?"

"Ne?"

At that moment, in confusion, Chanyeol wished that the sun was already up and shining on Junmyeon. He was wondering how that would look, but what was he thinking?

"You don't have to ring the bell. Just come in."

A pleased smile on his lips and Chanyeol got a little dizzy. Maybe, he should take off his glasses.

Was it really just him coping with the loss? Why was he feeling all of these things? Chanyeol was an idiot, he knew that much about himself, but he wasn't that stupid to not realize what was happening. It was certainly not like what he had with Jongsoo, but he was made aware of the level of affection he had for the old soldier. After all, he hadn't been close with another for years since he had the twins. His best friends were still there along the way for him. Although he knew this was a different kind of help, Chanyeol felt something binding him to the odd neighbor.

It was easy talking to him. It was easy understanding him. It was easier explaining himself to him even though he hadn't done much explaining, but Junmyeon was a good listener. Maybe that was all he needed. Baekhyun did mention about therapy, but Chanyeol never had the money or the time for it.

Junmyeon was everything he needed during a time like this. Chanyeol sighed. That would be why he was so attached to him.

However, when Chanyeol thought he had rationalized his emotions towards the soldier, here he sat with Jongdae playing with him in the bath as he seemed _slightly_ fazed by the muscles on Junmyeon's back. They were flexing everywhere each time Junmyeon worked the shampoo into Jongin's hair.

Chanyeol squinted his eyes. It was probably the many scars on his back that distracted him. It looked painful.

"Appa! Kisses!" Jongdae reached up to poke his face.

"So demanding." Chanyeol only dreaded the future when Jongdae would puke when his father would definitely try to give kisses. He would have plenty of blackmail materials to embarrass the kid in front of his girlfriend if he took pictures.

And a loud peck on his forehead seemed to gather the younger's attention.

"What... Me... me, too, ahjusshi."

Once again, maybe, he should ban showering with the neighbor because Junmyeon was so tender with Jongin as he pecked his little nose that Chanyeol just couldn't mentally deal with.

"I'll dry them up. You can finish your shower." Junmyeon offered as they were done cleaning up the twins.

There were a lot of things happening in Chanyeol's head when Junmyeon turned to him and his hair was all wet like that. Of course, Chanyeol wasn't in the shower yet and he was already having shower thoughts.

He was growing into a barbarian. It was clear. He had become this desperate to see Junmyeon turning into a chicken drumstick right in front of his face. Maybe, Chanyeol really needed therapy. He could make time for that. He had to save up money, however.

"So, when will you be back?" Junmyeon never talked when his mouth was full. Such a neat person.

"Maybe, late in the afternoon? I'm not sure, but we'll be back before it's dark."

"Should we bring anything for mom—" Jongdae asked aloud with his mouth full. Chanyeol bit back scolding the kid.

"Jongdae-ah, eat properly like I taught you." It seemed like the information didn't startle the soldier one bit. Junmyeon just leaned closer to the kid, frowning slightly. It was as if Junmyeon knew exactly what Chanyeol needed too. This was a bit much.

"Chew well then swallow..." Jongdae once again pouted but followed the soldier's advice when Junmyeon ruffled his hair.

"Good." And that was all Jongdae needed to smile brightly again.

Chanyeol tried to remind himself it was just a phase.

"Appa, can we bring flowers? We made a lot with Ahjusshi yesterday." Jongin shyly added.

"Ahjusshi told us they'll stay pretty forever!"

"Of course."

Chanyeol sighed with a content smile when the twins replied with happy giggles and praises for themselves. He forgot about how children could just blurt out things like that, but then again, he was thankful that Junmyeon knew.

Here they were standing before her place. Chanyeol helped the twins put their handcrafts in the glass box and let them talk to her as if she were one of their toy friends. He was sure that they hadn't any idea about what death meant, but for now, this was good enough.

It was sweet that photo. She loved that photo the most no matter how old it was. It was them in their high school clothes and Chanyeol had that guitar with him, Jongsoo stuck to his side. Her small head resting seemingly comfortably on his shoulder despite the fact that he had no meat anywhere on his body then. Her head must have taken some damage from his skinny bones. He didn't like that picture though. He had those crazy eyes and wasn't even looking at the camera. Baekhyun was stupid for taking this photo, but she loved it nonetheless. Maybe, it was their first picture together.

**I think I'm growing delusional.**

It would be strange to talk to her out loud with the twins here, plus they were talking taking their time with her that way.

**Look what you did to me.**

Chanyeol could only chuckle. If she had any idea, she would have laughed too. Or perhaps, she was laughing right now. Then, he wanted to ask if how he saw Junmyeon was how she had always seen him, but Chanyeol remembered that he still had no muscles, just sad flesh. How managed to trap her in his arms still baffled him.

It was Jongdae's idea that they should stop for ice cream and walked the rest of the way home. Chanyeol didn't mind. Jongin with strawberry on his left and Jongdae with chocolate on his right. He didn't feel like having ice cream. At least not at the moment. He could see her eating the strawberry with chocolate ice cream jumping around him. It was like Jongsoo was split into two and his idiot gene filled up the rest. Maybe, he should have them homeschooled and go to public school. Chanyeol didn't trust his idiot genes one bit. One time, he called a coconut a cactus and didn't even what the problem was for a week.

"Appa! We have a charity event next month." Jongdae seemed a little nervous which was rare, but he powered through. "We thought we could do a performance, you know? Jonginnie and I could sing and dance, and you can do the guitar."

"Teacher said we could do it with Appa." Jongin softly spoke. The kid had always been shy and performing with classmates could prove to be much for him. "Cause there were some others who did it with their parents too."

"We could do it with classmates, but we want to do it more with you."

Chanyeol was about to ask why when Jongin looked down and mumbled, "You don't play with us as much... and we want to play with you more."

That was because back then he was jobless, and although he still played with them on weekends, they must have sensed the difference. It made his heart clenched though. Knowing that he wasn't there for them as much. Chanyeol would fear the upcoming days that they would grow even bigger and demand not playtime but money, and it would be alright. However, that might mean him not being at home because it was going to be tough feeding two children and paying their school fees while also paying rent, electricity, water, and taxes. Chanyeol knew that he should start finding a more stable job with better pay, but that would also mean he wouldn't be there for them at all.

He shook his head. He wasn't going to be that kind of parent. He could make time for them. He must.

"But I haven't played guitar for so long..." he sat down to their levels, watching their worried eyes. "You think I'll be good enough?"

"We want you to play!"

"You'll be awesome! No one plays the guitar! You'll be the only one!" Jongdae added.

"Yay! We'll be awesome!"

"I... we'll see."

The answer didn't satisfy the kids obviously, but Jongdae looked hopeful while Jongin just shied away, going to Jongdae's side, leaving his left side empty. That was one way to hurt him, but Chanyeol knew that these two would do a lot more damage once they grew up, so he'd better start getting used to them.

He thought he was really delusional when a familiar face showed up.

"Junmyeon-shi."

"Chanyeol-shi, I've been waiting all day." There was no heat to his voice as the soldier sat down to the twins' level and opened his arms for them to jump in, which they did. "Come on, I made you a little something."

The twins, of course, burst in delight, their eyes wild and squeals loud. Chanyeol, on the other hand, just followed the man silently from behind. He tried not to pay attention when Junmyeon was somewhat talking to his kids. The soldier had to ask just one question about their day, and the twins spilled everything. Now that Chanyeol thought about it, it was the same as him. Junmyeon talked quite little, and he was the one moving most of the conversation, but it felt easy. Chanyeol didn't feel pressured and worried that he was wasting the neighbor's time. The soldier was always so attentive. Chanyeol still couldn't believe that this perfect man just showed up in his life, and he was grateful.

It was when Junmyeon took him by the wrist that shook him to the very core. Something shivering went down his spine and Chanyeol was brought to Junmyeon's apartment, realizing that Junmyeon had told the kids to stay put at home.

"So... I bought a cake, pizza... and some presents? I'm unsure of how this actually proceeds, but I watched some YouTube videos." The soldier with a contemplative expression wondered out loud as he slightly paced around the little things he bought. "But I believe that kids have no high expectations anyway, so we can fool them and make it look grand."

Right, it was their birthday. Chanyeol had almost forgotten that. It had been a problem for the other three years. In the first year, he completely blocked out the loss and their birthday altogether until his neighbor's best friends showed up to remind him three days later. In the second year, he remembered the kids but forgot about the wife. In the third year, he remembered the wife and not the kids. And it seemed like this year, he got Junmyeon.

He didn't know how long he stood there. He wasn't sure if Junmyeon was still talking or not, but Chanyeol just stepped forth and pulled the old soldier into a tight hug, arms wrapping around his shoulders.

It was silent for a while. He should know how to show gratitude, and Chanyeol couldn't think anything better at the moment. He just wanted to pour out his pent up emotions even just for a bit. Chanyeol could feel the tensed muscles around the soldier's shoulders slowly softened. Maybe, it was a little rough because Junmyeon was still a little shaken and finding foot to stand still. The soldier's arms were opened but never closed around him.

"You didn't have to."

"I want to."

Chanyeol held back and push back the tears. "Thank you," he said as he pulled back and stepped away from the neighbor giving space again.

Junmyeon just gave him a pat on the back. His actions were a little slow and awkward, but that was how he returned the physical affection, and that was enough.

For the rest of the evening, they spent having a surprise birthday party for the twins.

Junmyeon got them new stuff toys as he couldn't think of anything more meaningful for such a short span of time, but the twins loved their larva and their dinosaur, so it was passable. Junmyeon visibly sighed in relief when Jongdae and Jongin loved their toys, drawing a burst of laughter out of Chanyeol. It was just strange to see Junmyeon make faces that he wasn't used to making.

Chanyeol, feeling guilty, didn't buy anything, which meant that the performance that the twins asked for would be their presents. It got Junmyeon's interest. And the soldier promised to help all of them to get ready for the day.

That night, Chanyeol wished that he could spend every year like this instead of suffering all the time. 


	8. Chapter 8

5:00 am.

Chanyeol stared up at the ceiling.

It dawned on him that playing the guitar was something that he hadn't done in four years until yesterday. And today, he was going to play it again.

His left hand he lifted. His drowsy eyes inspected the rough fingers. His thumb was slightly crooked, the skin that was torn now grew back to fill up the missing flesh. Four years, he dipped his fingers into dish soap. His flesh was soft, too soft. He wouldn't be able to handle the strings digging into his fingertips. It was going to hurt. It would hurt but only for a while.

_"Does it really not hurt?"_

_"Well, the first time I ever had to play, I cried. I was young, and I waited until dad left me alone. I kept shaking and couldn't stop." She would always trace his rough fingers and looked both worried and impressed. "But after a month, I realized that I wasn't thinking about the pain anymore, and it came to me that it became all numb. Now, the pads are so dead and rough, I can't feel a thing."_

_"Oh..." she started to really feel the tips of his fingers and noticed the hard shell of the dead skin covering the fleshy part underneath. "Ew."_

_"Anyway, it's acting like a barrier now. Like a built-in shield just for my fingers."_

_"Okay, say another word about it, I'll kill you."_

Now, it was going to hurt all over again.

He got up from the couch, finding his way into the twins' room. The man tiptoed not wanting to wake the little ones. Stopping himself near the bed, he kneeled down to reach underneath the bed, acquiring the guitar in the case he left for the cobwebs to take over. Before leaving the room, his eyes cast over the twins. Jongin snuggled close to Jongdae from behind. He wondered how long they would be able to stand each other and share the bed. Chanyeol chuckled, feeling slightly better by the sight of his sons.

9:10 am.

"Next week, it's your turn for the playdate," Baekhyun said while picking up Jongin on his left hand and holding on to Jongdae with his right.

"Yep, I remember, and I'll pick you two pick at 4:00, alright? We'll start working on the performance." Chanyeol gave kisses to twins. "Think of a good song, okay?"

"Ne!"

"Come by at around 2:00 if you can. We haven't had a get-together in a while." Before Chanyeol could even reply, Baekhyun added "Get Junmyeon, too. I miss talking to the handsome robot."

"You just hung out with days ago at the park—"

But it didn't matter. Baekhyun knew all the excuses in the world, and Chanyeol didn't. Now, he had to ask Junmyeon to go to a meet-up that wasn't planned. That man had done so much for him already. He couldn't just bother him on his day off like this.

Chanyeol just took a deep breath to calm himself, trying not to think about Junmyeon and hopped on a bus, getting himself to a music shop. All the strings were rusty, and although they were playable and sounded surprisingly good still, he didn't want to risk them snapping while playing on stage.

10:30 am.

Chanyeol was finally tuning the strings on his reddish-black acoustic guitar when there was a knock on the door.

"Oh, Junmyeon-shi."

"Ah... I see you're playing." The soldier smiled at his strapped guitar. "It suits you well."

And Chanyeol tried not to sound too excited. "I— I haven't played yet. I'm still tuning the strings." It felt like his whole face was burning. Time to time, people told him he looked good with guitars. What was so special?

"I thought I could help if ... I mean, I can play a bit of piano, and I just borrowed a keyboard from a friend." It was then that Chanyeol realized that Junmyeon's door was open and he could see the electronic keyboard all the way from here with a proper stand and everything. "But if you're all set, then—"

"NO! I need help." His arm shot out quickly the moment Junmyeon made a tiny move to turn back. Chanyeol held on to his elbow, once again seemingly making the soldier slightly uncomfortable. Slowly, he drew back his hand. "I'm not comfortable on stage... and I haven't done this in a long while. Oh, goodness, you're really an angel."

There was a knowing smile like Junmyeon knew exactly that Chanyeol was going to struggle. And Chanyeol was glad that he didn't have to say out loud first. He was comfortable with speaking out first in other things except for this particular one.

And so they were in Junmyeon's apartment, tuning their instruments.

The soldier kept quiet as he observed the taller neighbor experimented on the strings, making sure they were in standard tuning.

Chanyeol could feel the stare, but every time he looked up from his guitar, Junmyeon would look at the chords on his own sheets. Then, Chanyeol realized that from here it was a great angle. The sun slid in just right and although they were facing each other, Chanyeol could only see Junmyeon's left side as he ghosted his hands on the keys.

He looked away though. He was done tightening the strings, but he just kept turning the tuning pegs, undoing all the work, not tuning, unable to press his hands to make any proper sound yet. Sitting like this in Junmyeon's apartment was a bad idea, it occurred to Chanyeol. He was supposedly emotionally uncertain with this situation of the guitar, and he had to bring Junmyeon in as well. Now, he couldn't break down before the soldier.

Junmyeon pressed a G and drew Chanyeol's attention to him once more.

The older man was slightly flustered when he asked if he could read music sheets. Junmyeon did say that he knew _a little bit._ Perhaps, Junmyeon could do just by memorizing chords for now, but thinking about it made Chanyeol want to teach Junmyeon how to read music. It would start with music theory and distinguishing between major and minor chords. Maybe then, they could spend more time with each other, and Chanyeol could show him how to build a chord on the keyboard. Also, scales, Chanyeol could teach him how to practice scales and deal with the black notes, his fingers tracing the notes along with–

The delirious neighbor shook his head.

**Sacrilegious thoughts. No.**

"What's the first song you learned on the guitar?"

Chanyeol was shaken out of the daydream and hoped he didn't look like a child who was caught doing something he wasn't supposed to. "Oh, _La Vie En Rose_ , Louie Armstrong."

There was something that lit up in Junmyeon's eye, and Chanyeol knew what it was.

"My sister told me that it was her favorite song that would stop me from crying and put me to sleep, so I thought why not?"

It drew a smile out of the old soldier. The story never failed to pull the heartstring of whoever asked Chanyeol that question.

Finally, Chanyeol tuned to the right standard tuning, certain that the old neighbor was waiting for him to flex his guitar skills. "It was a nightmare really. It was so hard I switched to _I think I love you_."

A twitch in Jumyeon's eyelid and Chanyeol burst out laughing.

"The one from Full House? Young-jae and—"

"Ji-eun, yeah, that one." Troubled with his breathing, the tall goofy neighbor furiously nodded while Junmyeon grumbled to himself in quiet whispers. "Technically, _La Vie En Rose_ is the first song I _tried_ to play. _I think I love you_ is the first official song. What? It's a good song!"

"I'm not saying anything." It was quite comical to see Junmyeon in such a disappointment expression. There was a small pout on the old soldier's lips that Chanyeol didn't think it could ever happen to a person like him, and it was strangely therapeutic to look at.

Chanyeol didn't even wait for Junmyeon to say anything else. It might be a little bit fun to tease the neighbor as he placed his left fingers on the strings, his right fingers plucking the strings, checking the sound.

There went the first downstroke, then the slap, and then the pluck–

**Oh, goodness. What am I thinking?**

Kicking that thought away, Chanyeol sang the lyrics, blissfully unaware of what was spilling from his lips for poor Junmyeon to hear. An upbeat melody rang out from the soundboard as he played with the techniques he thought had forgotten.

_I think I love you_

_그런가봐요_ _  
_ _(it must be so)_

_Cause I miss you_

_그대만_ _없으면 난_ _아무것도_ _못하고_ _자꾸생각나고 이런걸_ _보면_ _아무래도_ _  
__(Without you, I can't do anything and you're always on my mind and when I realize this,)_

_I'm falling for you_

_난_ _몰랐지만  
_ _(though I was unaware)_

_Now I need you_

_어느샌가_ _내_ _맘_ _깊은곳에 아주_ _크게_ _자리잡은_ _그대의_ _모습을_ _이젠_ _보아요  
_ _(Now I see you've settled in the depth of my heart)_

This time, Chanyeol opened his eyes to see that there was both a frown and a smile on Junmyeon's face. Before he could say something, Junmyeon just muttered a small 'nothing' and gave him another nod. Despite the confused face Jumyeon made, the soldier couldn't hide that he was impressed. Though now that Chanyeol stopped playing for a few seconds, the sting on his fingertips was now apparent. It wasn't that bad.

"Okay, okay..."

This time Chanyeol played slower, plucking only one and two strings at a time before setting to a rhythm.

_Hold me close and hold me fast_

_The magic spell you cast, this is la vie en rose_

_When you kiss me, Heaven sighs_

_And though I close my eyes, I see la vie en rose_

Chanyeol was about to sing another verse when he realized what had happened.

He bit lips shut, knowing that he had sung too much, but as he was about to give up, a single note rang out to his ears, and it wasn't the guitar. Looking up to see the old soldier was joining the harmony with him. Although it was a little too early for the keyboard to join in this beat, Chanyeol kept playing.

"Wait..." he mouthed to Junmyeon the countdown to the beat. "And now."

Although Junmyeon's piano stumbled to join Chanyeol's guitar, he did not, however, mess up the vocal, which burned Chanyeol's ear bright scarlet.

_When you press me to your heart_

_I'm in a world apart, a world where roses bloom_

It wasn't really a full voice. Junmyeon did surprisingly well to match his notes with the guitar quickly. At that point, Chanyeol was messing up the strumming patterns. Chanyeol tried keeping his attention on the guitar, but Junmyeon got the hang of playing a few notes to accompany the melody and closed his eyes to focus on his own vocals instead.

_And when you speak, angels sing from above_

_Everyday words seem to turn into love songs_

_Give your heart and soul to me_

_And life will always be la vie en rose_

The taller man brought his hands to his lips, tracing his fingers on his upper lips, blinking at Junmyeon. There wasn't any nose bleeding, so that was a good sign.

"I knew you had a good voice." He could have sworn he heard Junmyeon sang a little lullaby to the twins but was never there to catch him sing. It was something nagging on his mind because sometimes Junmyeon did hum to himself. "That was really nice."

"I still have to work on my playing."

"I can help you with that."

But Chanyeol realized that he said a little too eagerly. 

"Are you sure? I don't want to bother you with that. I can learn on my own." The old soldier seemed to notice his discomfort and offered to reject on his own. Was he that obvious?

"No.. No. I want to. I..."

Chanyeol frowned to himself and looked down at his guitar. It was still confusing for him when he started to remember the time he almost smashed the poor instrument into pieces. He hadn't really worked out his frustrations with music and his instruments yet, and here was again making impulsive decisions on delving back into it. Junmyeon noticed that not playing for four years was a big deal, and Chanyeol was catching on. And just now... He just played the guitar and sung to Junmyeon about –

"Actually... Um... Baekhyun called us over to the children's playdate." Soon, he could feel the sweat drenching his palms. He shouldn't touch the guitar. It could get dampened, damaged, so Chanyeol took off the straps and stood it against the wall nearby, stepping away from the instrument slowly. "It's a.. about time."

11:15 am was the time, but of course, he had more than two hours left.

"I gotta go." a quick bow and Chanyeol didn't get to see Junmyeon's expression, but he walked himself out of there.

Chanyeol sped towards the elevator. Staring at the tips of his left fingers painted with red lines of the harsh strings of the guitar, he felt shivers crawling down his spine. It hurt. It stung. Like metal scraping away at the tip of his fingers. His eyes were already blurry.

"Chanyeol— wait!"

It took him by surprise when Junmyeon stopped the elevator door from closing and took hold of his hands. Suddenly, Chanyeol registered how much his whole body was trembling compared to the calm and steady soldier. However, Junmyeon was holding his hands with so much force, and now it ached even more.

A whimper slipped past his lips, and Chanyeol stepped back, yanking back his hands, escaping to the corner of the cold steel of the elevator. He could his cheeks pressed against the reflective metal, arms hugging himself. Soon, his legs gave out, sliding down to his knees, sinking deeper into the corner.

His mother told him to get back on the piano as the guitar was a waste of time. He could be practising more on the piano.

It was the faint voice of his father, telling him he hit the wrong note. He could never win the competition like this. 

Another voice chimed in saying it was okay to play whatever he wanted. Jongsoo's tender voice encouraged him to keep playing. He was good at it. He shouldn't stop playing. 

On stage, his accompanist was waiting for him, but he panicked. It was loud, everything was too much. The audience, the audience was deafening. They were shouting, clapping, booing. 

It was the crooked thumb. Blood and blood and blood and –

"Chanyeol-ah... it's me. It's okay."

A distinct voice and Chanyeol followed the sound, staring up at the familiar face through his tear-stained eyes. Then, something pressed at his upper arms, hands.

"Deep breaths, Chanyeol, listen to me. Deep breath."

Now, he was shaken back to where he was. The elevator? Jumyeon's eye wide at him, strong grip on both his arms, breathing slowly for him to follow.

"You're going to be alright, Chanyeol-ah, slow down, breathe deeply, come on."

Eyes trained on Junmyeon's lips, Chanyeol tried to shadow the breathing pattern from the soldier, but he was getting light-headed, losing more air exhaling, unable to breathe in properly. The need to cry out was blaring in his ears. He couldn't inhale. 

"Listen."

It was when the older man's rough hands came to hold his face that knocked out all the voices from Chanyeol's head. He could feel his cheeks being slightly petted, Junmyeon's thumbs pushing away the brimming tears from his eyes, for his vision to become clear. Then, Junmyeon's forehead pressed against his, and now, he could hear Junmyeon's breathing so louder. The soothing touch slowed Chanyeol's beating heart down. 

"Listen to me. It's okay. Follow me. Breathe through your mouth. In. Out."

Chanyeol could feel Junmyeon's steady and loud breathing tickled his lips, his nose. And gradually, his heart no longer throbbed with pain. His chest inhaled the air that Junmyeon told him to breathe steadily. He could feel sweat running down his body, waking him up from the burning sensation he had felt. The weight of Junmyeon's thighs was heavy encasing his body closer to the corner of the elevator, reminding him of the warmth and the comforting weight of an embrace. All he could hear now was their breath flowing in harmony. 

"You're safe with me, Chanyeol-ah."

And Chanyeol believed him. 

* * *

_It was the piano that stared at him. His fingers moved across the keys that seemed so daunting. He could feel the sweat running down his face, his cheeks, his chin. His mind running and running with the notes, so fast that now it was confusing to him as if the notes were actually chasing him instead. Yet, even with such swiftness, he could never seem to run away from the melody. That one note he kept messing up, the same place, each time he got it wrong, it got even more grueling, frustrating._

_And before he knew it, he was putting all the force in his arms on the notes. The sound was too harsh, too heavy, too much for the soft melody to handle. Until that last note, his fingers crumpled up, retreating from the fearsome notes._

_It was only then that he realized it wasn't sweat that glided ever so smoothly down his cheeks to warm up the back of his hands. It wasn't just the music notes he was hearing that was messing with his hearing._

_His vision was narrow, his music sheets only in his eyes, but he wanted to see more than that._

_With a violent shake of his head, Chanyeol brought his forearm to wipe away all the tears that his eyes wouldn't stop spilling and bit into the skin through the sweater he wore. He didn't know what else to do. Forcing his jaw down further and further until he felt the pain. The crescendo that had already stopped was still ringing in his ears._

_He wanted to get it out. He wasn't sure what he had, but it was choking him._

_And his hands moved for him without him thinking. Fingers on the keys, pressing and pressing and pressing. He could see nothing._

_Chanyeol stopped himself and abruptly jerked away from the instrument. Time passed without his consent. On the marble floor curling into himself, he let out a pathetic wail. He wasn't good enough. This was never going to work. He had been at this for so long, but he kept messing up. His fingers were too tired to move that swiftly and elegant at the same time. Feeling the freezing marble against his temple, Chanyeol grunted, letting out a painful sound through his throat. Maybe burning his own airway would do something, so he kept whimpering and groaning before weakly smashing the side of his head against the floor._

_It was the first snow when he met her._

_He had picked up the guitar hidden at his favorite music shop._

_He didn't understand why he wasn't allowed to play the guitar. Picking something different could lighten up his senses, reinvigorate it, so here he was playing in the park where no one that would be associated with his parents around._

_To himself, he plucked mindlessly at the strings, unable to focus. The skin was still burning from the self-inflicted wounds. However strange he played, there was a chaotic structure to it. It was playful, but with a change of speed, suddenly it was getting dangerous, a tragedy, an endless melody of pain and then, it was back in that bright color once more as if he didn't know what tone to stick to._

_Soon, white speckles wandered and danced peacefully in the air._

_"Oh, shit—" quickly, Chanyeol took off the straps of his guitar and scrambled to put the guitar in the case, unconsciously muttering to himself, "The hell."_

_A whine._

_Chanyeol looked back to see a student sitting back a bit further on the grass. The girl donned the uniform of the same school. Suddenly, she realized that she was caught looking at him and turned away coughing as if nothing happened._

_So, it was true that playing outside meant environment hazards such as the rain, the snow, and the wind. He couldn't risk such expensive wood and strings getting damaged, but he couldn't play inside either with the fear of being watched by discerning eyes._

_"I— I swear I wasn't stalking you!"_

_But here he was, for the first time, glad that it was snowing, elated that someone was watching._

_It was an offer he wanted so badly to refuse. He knew he didn't have it, but—_

_"I know you can do it, Chanyeol-ah." Jongsoo smiled, one hand on his shoulders, pressing just enough to ease away at the tension, one hand on her own belly that was swelling._

_"But I can't. Not when I have to leave you like this." He didn't mean for his voice to be sharp, but when he saw her flinch and slightly cowered, Chanyeol sighed. "Don't make me do this."_

_"You're good, Chanyeol-ah. You can win it. It's your dream." He could tell there was fear in her bright tone._

_"As a musician, but as a father, I can't."_

_"You've waited for so long already."_

_It was easy in her hold. All he had to do was lean in, and there she would be ready to always keep him close. Her laps tender and warm, seeping energy that he had always loved about her. His head faced away from her belly and let her card her fragile fingers through his messy hair._

_"You love music, and I love you for that."_

_She had always been the one loyal audience. Even when he couldn't pull off anything original and struggled in the worse possible way, showing the ugly side that was the grueling work putting into perfection, she was there still._

_But he was never there for her when she needed him._

_The heavy thought weighed in his head as he transitioned from the decrescendo to the slow and thought-out largo._

_Slowly, the tears welled up in his vision. Chanyeol looked to his left, the audience, and further to the left, his accompanist. It was halfway through the piece when a strange gust of wind seemingly crushed into the theatre and hit the tears in his tired eyes, forcing the pain he tried to bury deep out to the world to witness._

The burn on his eyes was immediate the moment he moved a muscle. With steady breathing, Chanyeol came to register the familiar strokes through his hair and opened his weary eyes to the smile that was always there for him.

"Hey, Chanyeollie~~" a soft coo from Baekhyun and he sighed in content with a weak smile to greet the smaller man back.

He was back at his apartment and now lying in a fetal position on the couch, clutching onto the warmth of blanket that kept him safe. It was a strange moment knowing that Baekhyun was there, but of course, at the end of his vision was the old soldier.

Junmyeon's eyes were slightly widened at him, and suddenly Chanyeol was brought back to the haziness that was his memories. He could always see it in colors, in black and white, whichever it was brought him anything but a smile.

"It's all my fault..." a whimper that Chanyeol couldn't help.

The one audience that mattered most to him, and he was frolicking around others who never cared about his performance. He always played, but it was never enough for her. She was there, but he always failed to notice.

"shh... it's not, buddy. It's nobody's fault." When Baekhyun found his guilt-written eyes, he gave him the fretted look as the gentle fingers smoothed away the frown that was etching into his skull.

"But I wasn't a good husband or now even a good father. I'm –"

"Chanyeol-ah."

And at that moment, he realized that Junmyeon wasn't calling him by formalities anymore and it made his eyes lingered on Junmyeon's lips.

"It's not something you can control. It's okay. It's only your fault if you don't fight against it, and I know it's not your fault because you always try." Baekhyun's voice was small, whispering lightly as to not scare him away. "I was there every step of the way. I know."

And it made Chanyeol go back to times when he would go to Baekhyun with whatever it was weighing on him. Of course, his best friend would always scold him and built up the courage in him to man up and talk to Jongsoo about it, not just to Baekhyun.

Yet, he knew it was unfair. It was something in his control, and Chanyeol knew. If he had just overpowered his parents long ago, it would have been better. True that part of Chanyeol knew it was a stretch to blame anyone for her passing, but for the time spent so carelessly without any meaning with her was something was in control of.

The moment Chanyeol saw the lifeless face from which the doctor slowly lifted the thin white cover, his whole world crumbled. It was the final straw at the worse possible moment. Finally, he took the road where he knew it would be safe for Jongin and Jongdae. Away from his parents. The piano.

There was the guitar he brought with him, but his trembling hands that touched the strings made him reconsider the choice to play.

"I... can't do it."

A warm hand placed on his thigh and slowly patting him, trying to keep him grounded. Chanyeol turned to the side to watch Junmyeon sitting before his fetal position, and it made him flushed with embarrassment. He must look so pathetic right now. Just a good-for-nothing single father with nothing to show for.

But Junmyeon's gaze was burning with insistence, and it made his toes curl.

"You can do it, Chanyeol-ah."

"It's physically impossible. I get trembles and sweat a lot, I can't make contact with the strings."

It took him by surprise when the hands that were shaking underneath the blanket was brought out by Junmyeon's much rougher ones. The grip Junmyeon had on him was enough to force his muscle to stop shuddering.

"Yes, you can. I, I don't tell you this, but I know that feeling that you're alone, and you want to reach out, but you can't see anything or hear anything. It's a scary place." Junmyeon exhaled with a heavy sigh. "I know it well. It's not going to be easy, but I try to fight my way back."

With each word, Chanyeol found himself falling deeper into the familiarity of his calm voice. This time, watching Junmyeon frowned in distress not because of the twins' shenanigans but by his own admission, his own problems.

"You can fight back too, and you can keep playing and being a good father. You were there when I was lost and stuck in that place, and you told me it was okay to come back, so I did. I know that it won't be the end of it. I'll be dragged back to that place until I stop breathing, but until I stop breathing, neither will I stop fighting because you make me realize that. And I know that you can, too."

He didn't know what to say but take in the warmth that Junmyeon provided him. Slowly, the tight grip loosened to a gentle hold and Junmyeon still held on, eyes ever so reassuring.

"I'll help you through it like how you helped me." 

"Really?" Chanyeol felt like he shouldn't take all the credit. He wasn't even sure exactly how he helped or even how much because to him, it was just a flash, but somewhere in his mind wanted all the credit.

"I'll be right beside you," Junmyeon whispered, and everything stopped for Chanyeol as now he could only see the promise written ever so gently by the kind grasp and the fond look on Junmyeon's face. "On stage and off."

* * *

Junmyeon looked at the music sheets that he couldn't read, his mind still lingered on the way the melody of the grand piano rang in his ears. Yixing was kind enough to let him listen in. One the left side of the expensive instrument, the retired soldier sat quietly by the now amateur pianist in his free time, playing the gentle and entrancing piece.

Before this, the screeching of the road, the snapping of metal bars, the faraway explosions were close to his mind. His senses were lighted up, his head slowly spinning, his hands erratic, but the moment Yixing's fingers landed on the key, it took Junmyeon completely out of it.

Like sunshine washing over his drained muscles, the music sent him to a silent place where all he could hear was the gentle dance of the melody in the atmosphere setting the black and white of his world, in rainbow colors. As if transported to another world, he forgot that he had even lost his mind.

By the end of it, the silence in the house was also the silence in his head.

"We have yet to explore other types of therapy, but I thought this was simple enough to start with." Yixing smiled, donning a dazed look. "Music. And yes, you don't have to ask. I'll even give you the keyboard—"

"I'll just borrow for a while." The man corrected the mischievous old friend.

"Take as long as you need. I can give free lessons. Of course, but it's up to you." Fingers dancing playfully on the keys now, and Yixing sighed. "I would give you a grand piano myself if it weren't for your tight doorway."

"Noise complaints."

It drew a chuckle out of Yixing.

"To be honest, I was thinking about pets or something to do with animals. Maybe, you would like to work with taking care of animals, but... you already have a job?"

The unimpressed look on Junmyeon's face was permanent every time he was with the quirky man.

"Hey, I'm not comparing the kids with animals! It's about the act. Looking after something or someone. It could be a great outlet."

Yixing had warned him repeatedly that he couldn't use violence or any type of bodily harm as an outlet, seeing how it could perpetually be the means of taking it out on everything, making it worse. And Junmyeon didn't want to hurt anybody. It was hard trying not to stab his own hands with a knife, but Junmyeon just kept clutching his hands tight as he ran around the neighborhood.

"Sometimes, the best thing to do is to sit it out, but... I understand that you would find it to be difficult to stay still. Just as long as it's nothing negative or forceful." The younger man didn't want to say it, but it also hurt Junmyeon to see Yixing being so worried and wearing such devastated emotions on his sleeves whenever Junmyeon turned up all beaten up. "You could listen to music, but not without staying still, so perhaps, learning music and playing an instrument would be it although the frustrations in learning something might rile you up. That's my concern."

"I watched you play, and it was kind of ... calming." The tension in his muscles he could no longer feel as he admitted to Yixing with ease.

"Ah... maybe, watching someone play could do something... well, we don't know for now. As I said, we have to keep figuring things out."

Junmyeon could feel the air moving so elegantly with the music that Chanyeol was playing. Maybe, Yixing was correct. Junmyeon had to test it out, of course. There was something strange the way the taller neighbor strumming the guitar as if he was possessed. Chanyeol did mention about not having been able to pick up the instrument for quite some time, and to see the muscles of Chanyeol danced on the strings with no thought on his face except for the concentrated expression he had as he sang was out of place.

Looking at Chanyeol hiding under the blanket now tore away at his heart. Junmyeon knew he needed to do something. This man had children that depended on him, and it was obvious he couldn't just give up now.

"Thank you, Junmyeon-shi, for taking care of Chanyeol."

Baekhyun breathed with a wavering tone in his voice. Junmyeon wanted to tell him that it would definitely be alright if he wanted to let out a few tears, but Baekhyun kept it together sitting quite rigidly in the kitchen. Junmyeon could only offer a cool glass of water from the neighbor's fridge.

"It's nothing. It's I that should be thankful. I know I kept this away from you, but I have episodes." Junmyeon couldn't describe them, but he tried to force the secret out and made it transparent. He felt wrong just keeping it away. "And a few times, Chanyeol helped me through it."

"Do you really mean it? Guiding him through it all?"

Junmyeon's darted back to the living room where the vulnerable man was. "I do. Although I know that I'm not really qualified because of my problems, I just want to return the kindness that I received."

"I want to tell you something about him, but maybe, it's better for him to tell you." Baekhyun looked down at his glass of water, eyes unfocused. "If he could tell you what happened or at least explain something, he would get out of it."

Acceptance. It seemed like Chanyeol had spent so long burying most things under the responsibilities of a single father. His mind wasn't even registering he was playing an instrument until the panic came.

"But I can't help him alone," replied the old soldier. Of course, that drew Baekhyun's eyes to his pensive expression.

"I tried. For years. But Chanyeol was adamant about taking care of the twins." Hands tangled in his hair, Baekhyun groaned softly. "It was the excuse, and he would break and shout, pushing me away."

"I've been doing the same thing for almost two decades," Junmyeon only knew now how truly nice it was to be with peace, and he wanted it. Being with the twins silenced his demons for so long, he realized it wasn't that bad, being without the constant worry and fear in one's head all the time. "... It doesn't work."

"No wonder Chanyeol seems so attached to you. You're no different from him." Baekhyun smiled, but it wasn't his usual bright rectangular smile.

Junmyeon wanted to ask more, but Baekyun sat up.

"I'll bring the twins back in the evening. I want him to see them. It could calm him down." Baekhyun got his things and turned back to Junmyeon before he left. "I know it's safer to keep the children away from him altogether at this state, but you are here, so you can restrain him if necessary. And if he's still acting up, is it okay if you could let him sleep at your place?"

"Of course."

"For now, I'll send something up here for the food. Answer him if he needs anything."

Junmyeon nodded and closed the door to Chanyeol's apartment.

Now, he was alone with the neighbor at his fragile state, sitting quietly by the end of his foot. It was quite heartwarming to know that Chanyeol let the twins have their own room, and he took the couch. It wasn't comfortable, of course. Chanyeol's feet were sticking on top of the hand rest, but it didn't seem to bother him. Getting used to such a position meant dedication to Chanyeol's part.

"What-what time is it?"

"One in the afternoon."

"Wait, I have to go get—"

"shh... it's okay," Junmyeon was closer now, hand on Chanyeol's knees that were poking out when Chanyeol tried to curl in on himself again. "Baekhyun will bring them back in the evening. You just sleep for now."

"Oh... like this?" The red eyes blinked back at him, the whisper hidden behind the blanket.

"Just like this, Chanyeol-ah." Junmyeon's eyes were gentle. "What's wrong?"

"You call me..."

"I thought you might like it." The soldier smiled at his own comment when it had the taller flushed further before covering himself under the blanket again. "Sorry, it must be rude of me to call you that, Chanyeol-shi."

It was dead silent.

It was almost as if Junmyeon could hear the normal pout that Jongin would make every time Jongdae got what he wanted but not him.

"Chanyeol-ah?"

A small hum.

So, Junmyeon spent the rest of the afternoon, waiting for Chanyeol to peek from under the blanket and answering his shy questions.


	9. Chapter 9

"I didn't know exactly what to do back then," Junmyeon remembered staring at the poster on his high school's board. There were plenty of clubs, activities, events, information for students to keep themselves updated. He was stuck to board most of his years as he tried to balance between work and school. "My parents passed before I graduated, and I was alone during my teenage years."

Lounging on the couch was Chanyeol, blankets wrapped around his huge body with a cool cup of sweet lemon tea. Junmyeon would see the sour spread on Chanyeol's brows as he frowned and on the wet lips as he licked them, but he knew the neighbor loved the taste. They were facing one another, Junmyeon crossed legged in an arm-length from Chanyeol who was very much afraid to add to the conversation.

"I tried out some things, but I thought I wasn't very good at them, then I signed up for the conscription early because I didn't want to make any decision yet or rather I don't know what to choose. I had nobody to ask for advice. And for some reason, it was alright the military. I was given orders. Some sort of instruction." He could tell Chanyeol wanted to refute that with the lips opening, but Junmyeon smiled fondly at Chanyeol. "Now that I look back it. I realized that all I needed was someone to teach me, and I wasn't very good at asking for help or thinking for myself. If I had just been a little braver, maybe someone would have been glad to help."

"Now... when you said you're retired... are you really?" Chanyeol's fingers were getting cold, clinging onto the icy glass, his ears beat red as he asked such a question he thought might intruding. "Like you're not undercover or anything?"

"I wouldn't tell you if I'm undercover."

It made the tall neighbor inhale sharply before Junmyeon chuckled at the scared Chanyeol.

"I'm kidding. I'm out of there. No going back."

"Really?"

"Although if I am undercover, I wouldn't have told you."

"Jun-Junmyeon-shi!"

"I'm not a secret agent, I swear." Junmyeon smiled as he reached towards the hands that were trembling from the coldness of the drink. Slowly, Junmyeon held on to the glass and gently tapped at Chanyeol's fingers until the taller remembered to let go. Placing the drink on the nearby table, Junmyeon turned back to Chanyeol and brought his cold hands to his warmer ones. Chanyeol's hands felt like they were about to freeze off.

"Why did you leave?"

Junmyeon felt a squeeze in his palm, and Chanyeol was cautious about the question. The taller really didn't know boundaries, Junmyeon sighed in his mind fondly. These were questions Yixing asked him with care and at the vulnerable part of the line of questioning just to get him to answer. However, for some strange reason, it was easy looking at Chanyeol and talking about it.

"I had enough. My brain had enough I suppose. I couldn't stop seeing episodes, and sometimes it got so bad, it happened during the mission. So, they had me rest for a while, but it was a polite way for me to resign myself because they didn't want to force me to retire."

It wasn't the military's fault per se. Junmyeon was just really good at hiding his psychological problems at the beginning. He regulated his own emotions well, knowing what to do to release the frustration, taking brakes in between missions, taking up temporary jobs to distract himself. He read a lot about psychology and what he could do to manipulate himself. But he could only go so far. Junmyeon knew that at one point he wouldn't be able to do anything else alone. Soon enough, Yixing was assigned to him, and he was diagnosed.

"I'm— I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. I mean I should've asked for your permission..."

"It's alright. I believe that I owe explanations with the way I behave around you and your children." Junmyeon realized that he was no longer holding on to Chanyeol's hands and was scratching at his own knees. He usually did that when he was nervous Yixing had pointed out. It wasn't easy reading the ex-soldier's facial expression. Junmyeon had learned to naturalize most of his reactions that even he himself at this point found it difficult how he was feeling sometimes.

Chanyeol was uncertain of what to say next. Clearly, the conversation was taking so many strange turns of himself realizing too late that he was asking such difficult questions. And Junmyeon could see it in his shy gaze.

"I'm already at the point where I accept what's happening to me, and I'm trying to fix it. It's difficult, but whenever my head is clear, I try not to blame myself for everything." Junmyeon wanted to mention Yixing's extremely valuable and patient help, but he was aware that bringing someone new to the conversation would alert Chanyeol. "I just want to help you do the same. While I'm still seeing straight, I want you to know that it's not something you can control, and you shouldn't blame yourself for it."

"Maybe, it's still fresh in mind, my wife's..."

"You don't have to talk about it if you're uncomfortable."

"No. I want to share it with you." Deep down, Junmyeon knew Chanyeol felt compelled to share as a return for sharing his story, but Chanyeol kept shaking his head at his claims. "I really do want to talk about. I think it's important. You told me it's good to ask for help."

Junmyeon must have been smiling because Chanyeol was also smiling brightly with cheeks flushed in return.

"For you to help, I should at least tell you something. I guess I haven't been really looking after myself. I focus more on the twins. I didn't make much time for mourning really." Chanyeol closed his eyes, and with a softer voice, he exhaled. "When I got to the hospital Jongin and Jongdae were already in the isolated cribs sleeping, I was happy, but then I realized why they were in the cribs, and it was a blur from there. I ran away from home and music. I took only Jongin and Jongdae with some money I borrowed from Baekhyun and crashed at his place before renting a place of my own here. And I just kept working ever since. I think I might have cracked once in a while, but I remember mostly working day and out and taking care of Jongin and Jongdae."

As Chanyeol was still fresh from the breakdown, Junmyeon was inspecting the exposed neighbor at every second and every move. Junmyeon was used to handling the dark times on his own, and although it seemed a little too much and violent sometimes, Junmyeon always stood up after it happened. For Chanyeol, this was different. Unlike Junmyeon, Chanyeol didn't have episodes weekly. Unlike Junmyeon, Chanyeol had normal and quite healthy relationships that Junmyeon knew of from meeting all the neighbors. Unlike Junmyeon, Chanyeol seemed to have lost some of those normal relationships as well. Unlike Junmyeon, Chanyeol had children to look after. Junmyeon couldn't possibly know what it would be like to try to deal with the break down in Chanyeol's shoes. A single father with two children who was suffering from panic attacks, which could lead to possibilities of child neglect. Losing credibility as a competent parent could mean losing the twins to the law if this information was leaked. All Junmyeon knew was that Chanyeol could be in much more trouble if Junmyeon didn't help. Junmyeon already knew firsthand what it was like to not ask for support. That much Junmyeon was sure of.

At least, Junmyeon could tell that Chanyeol wasn't the type to resort to directing his violence toward the outside, but there was a possibility that Chanyeol could be inflicting himself pain as Junmyeon did. It was a bizarre out-of-body experience when Junmyeon saw self-inflicted pain as being normal for himself, but the idea that Chanyeol could be doing the same thing to himself was starting to eat him up. Seeing Chanyeol in blood... It broke Junmyeon into sweats that the soldier had to look away from Chanyeol and drank himself the water that was no longer cold.

"Thank you for your help. I must have been..."

Junmyeon could tell Chanyeol was noticing him acting up. Suddenly, with arms peeking out from the blanket, Chanyeol scooted closer to him and leaned forward to wrap his long arms around his tensed body. The weight of Chanyeol's head was welcoming on his shoulder.

"I could see it," Chanyeol whispered. Junmyeon could feel Chanyeol's pulse close to his nape, his words heavy and deep near his ear. "You slightly freeze up and look away from me. Your eyes seem to see something else. Your ears listening to something that's not me. You stop smiling."

Junmyeon blinked, realizing that it was an exercise Yixing told him to practice. He had to learn to notice the patterns of his triggers.

For a silent minute, Chanyeol softly leaned into the embrace, hugging him more comfortably before drawing back with a satisfied smile, hands still on Junmyeon's shoulders.

"And you would notice me again when it's over."

Soon, Chanyeol's hands were no longer rubbing circles against his flesh. The taller man just leaned back and dropped the blankets and folded it neatly, placing it back on the table.

Junmyeon didn't realize he was holding his breath when Chanyeol hugged him until he exhaled in deep relief.

"It was very sudden. I didn't expect for my playing to... but compared to me, you're more likely..."

"I promise I won't harm you or your children. I'm used to dealing with the episodes myself. They don't happen a lot, but they're unpredictable."

"No, no, I don't mean it that way. I mean you tell me you can help me." Chanyeol turned to Junmyeon, who was still registering that Chanyeol was gaining autonomy with a clearer conscious than he. "Maybe, I can help you, too?"

The old man didn't know what to reply to that. Junmyeon knew for a fact that he had been better at handling himself with the presence of Jongin and Jongdae, and Chanyeol too to some extent. The episodes were less, and they were slightly more bearable — not that it wasn't painful, it was still painful, but Junmyeon didn't lose much of himself each time as it did back then.

"You've been nothing but a gentleman taking care of my children, and maybe, I could return the favor."

"It's... it could be bothering you. I want to focus on helping you."

"And you do that by being with my twins. It's no problem for me. For you, I can see it happening."

That moment, it came to Junmyeon that Chanyeol was staring at him with renewed concentration. So Chanyeol could notice his episode? Did that mean Chanyeol stare at him to the point that Chanyeol could notice the episodes? Now that Junmyeon thought about it, he did catch Chanyeol watching him from time to time. Well, many times actually. Junmyeon could sense that feeling that someone was watching and he knew it was specifically Chanyeol, but Junmyeon didn't give the idea any attention. It was known around him that Junmyeon was difficult to read. And it wasn't the first time Junmyeon was being under watchful eyes. He didn't understand what made Chanyeol any different from the eyes that observed him.

Junmyeon could see that same gaze that Yixing gave him every time they were talking, but Junmyeon knew that Yixing was not only acting as a friend but also a professional. With Chanyeol, Junmyeon wasn't sure that what his true intention was with all those stares.

Junmyeon wanted to ask, but he didn't want to halt the conversation to a stop with such an accusing question. Perhaps, Junmyeon was acting around Chanyeol and the twins differently than he acted around other people. Yixing did say something about him smiling a little more. That was why Chanyeol could easily notice. Sure. Junmyeon was more confident at the hypothesis than the previous one could be.

"I'll let you help me more if you let me help you."

Knowing Chanyeol well enough that he wasn't the kind to easily accept help just like him, Junmyeon found it peculiar that he felt the same way. Junmyeon had trouble saying yes to Yixing, but with Chanyeol, he felt it was natural.

Could Chanyeol feel it? These eyes he was staring that he was asking the same questions and giving the same answers? Chanyeol might not have felt it, so Junmyeon let his words do the work.

"You're already helping me by staying by my side."

Chanyeol faltered in his gaze and swallowed visibly, eyes wide, cheeks flushed.

"I expected you to have put a distance between us already knowing what I'm capable of, but you kept welcoming me. Jongin and Jongdae have been nothing but sweethearts. Without them, I don't think I would have ever thought of trying to getting better."

He didn't know how else to describe Chanyeol but adorable. Those playful eyes looking around, bashful. Those lips pressed tightly a weird smile, the kind of smile that you couldn't stop yourself from smiling. Chanyeol was slightly swinging his body side to side unconsciously and folding himself back to the couch, making himself look small. He looked like a much bigger version of Jongin.

"I suppose we don't have to change our routines, seeing how it's already working with us being together," Junmyeon added, and it made Chanyeol squirmed more in his seat. Chanyeol just couldn't handle flattery and liked to look away when Junmyeon said something he liked. Maybe, Junmyeon should really start to watch Chanyeol, too. The taller neighbor helped out by observing him, of course. Junmyeon thought he should do the same. "Although I have to focus on you more. You're already ahead of me, knowing some of my signs."

Chanyeol was crossing his legs, his feet touching the apartment floor, toes curling and uncurling. "Ah... I see... I'm not as ..."

Junmyeon somehow understood that Chanyeol thought Junmyeon needed more help than he himself did.

"You don't have to ask for my help specifically if you're not comfortable. You have friends who are willing to help. You don't have to force yourself to explain either. Just tell me when it's appropriate that you will share it. I'll do the same with my problems, and I promise I'll try my best to read you."

Chanyeol was practically preening under his gaze already, smiling a lazy smile that Jongdae would always send him whenever he told him he did a good job.

Soon, the twins were home, and Chanyeol was playing with the twins as if nothing had happened. As the three were watching an episode of Larva on television, Baekhyun's and Junmyeon's eyes were always on Chanyeol.

"He seems recharged." The smaller male sighed in relief as he decided to prepare dinner with Junmyeon. Sehun was left in the other eommas hands at the moment. Baekhyun felt like this time he should be looking after his best friend more. "Thank you, Junmyeon-shi."

"I'm happy to help."

When the three were called for dinner, Junmyeon made sure to pat Jongin's and Jongdae's head after they cleaned their hands before the meal, drawing out puffy cheeks as the twins' desire to please the soldier was evident in their eyes.

With that, Junmyeon turned to Chanyeol on the other side of the table, who immediately looked away when he was caught staring. It gave him an idea.

"Chanchan-ah~~ take care, okay? Remember, I'm right down a few blocks. Give me a call if you need anything." Baekhyun pulled in the taller for a tight hug when he prepared to leave.

Junmyeon wanted to test the water, so he nonchalantly said, "I'm right next door. He doesn't need to call you."

Of course, it sparkled something in Baekhyun's eyes, making the smaller male gasp in a playful manner. "Hey! I'm his best friend! I'm not letting you steal him!" It seemed like the suspicion he had was confirmed by Baekhyun's unmistakable delight and mischievous behavior when he added, "He's my little cute puppy. Right, Channie?"

Chanyeol was swatting Baekhyun's hands away from his face, but he didn't make any effort to push him away either when Baekhyun started pulling at his cheeks. His frowns were visible and annoyance was in display, but Junmyeon could see it. Junmyeon could see that Chanyeol liked it.

"Stop it... Junmyeon's..." Chanyeol didn't try to look back at him when Baekhyun squeezed his cheeks that much.

"Sorry, can't help it. You're so adorable. Anyway, good night, you two. Don't stay up too late. You twins at the back, too! Listen to your appa and ahjusshi, okay?!"

A cute 'yes' from the twins and Baekhyun was off.

It was Junmyeon that told the children they would be talking about the song first before they started practicing with Chanyeol and the guitar. Of course, Jongdae was more than happy when Junmyeon revealed that he would be joining them on stage too and hugged his side to the best of tiny ability while Jongin was shier with his approach and hugged him less tightly, but Junmyeon could tell it was the same elated spirit that Jongdae had when Jongin curled his fingers into his shirt.

Chanyeol caught staring again smiled down at his fidgeting fingers.

Junmyeon was starting to see a pattern. It wasn't anything new that Junmyeon stared at Chanyeol or Chanyeol stared at him, but rather, Chanyeol was avoiding him when he was caught. The taller neighbor was shy but there were instances of him being bold, and it really depended on the situation. Shy people from what Junmyeon had seen sometimes do things that shy people weren't supposed to do. A strange contradiction, of course, but it made sense. Junmyeon knew a fellow female soldier who was _shy_ when she was speaking to him with hesitant pauses although the punches she threw at him during practice weren't. Junmyeon also knew of another _shy_ junior in the military who jumped at the opportunity of going overseas to meet an online boyfriend. It made Junmyeon question people when they described themselves as shy.

Chanyeol was exhibiting that strange inconsistent yet consistent trait. Hugging Junmyeon randomly, but getting flustered by a few of his words...

"Sounds like a crush." Yixing chuckled from the other side of the line. "Those kids seem adorable."

Junmyeon stayed silent but nodded at the front camera, seeing Yixing smile at him. It was that brief moment that made Junmyeon understood how Yixing felt. That feeling he got just thinking about Chanyeol getting hurt. Did Yixing feel the same? If so...

"I'm sorry."

It caught the man off-guard, of course, but Yixing was nice enough to know when he shouldn't make a big deal out of it. "I'm sorry too that you're not as handsome as me."

5:00 am.

Junmyeon slept very little that night although it wasn't because of his nightmares acting up. There was a lot of thinking and retrospection. Thanks to Chanyeol, Junmyeon had something else on his mind rather than complete darkness. Junmyeon had been trying to piece together Chanyeol's attitude and reaction. He knew that the times he ever acted strangely were during the mother's death which was still quite fresh. There was the guitar, the music, of course. Other than that Chanyeol looked normal. Junmyeon could only come to the conclusion that the taller male was blocking things out to make room for looking after the twins. Remembering froze up Chanyeol and make him break, unlike Junmyeon, who would break just thinking about, sometimes, random things. For the time being, that was the most logical.

But of course, Junmyeon didn't miss Yixing's word.

_Sounds like a crush._

Junmyeon had cautiously described Chanyeol's behaviors and masked them under the pretense of them being the twin's actions. Because the more Junmyeon thought about it, the more he realized the obvious statement of 'Like father, like son.' Chanyeol was acting very similar to Jongin, and it would be reasonable to assume the more prominent outgoing trait of Jongdae was more from the mother, but Junmyeon also doubted that because Chanyeol was also seen to be outgoing the same Jongdae was. It was as if Chanyeol was split unevenly into two different kids.

Junmyeon then realized that he was silently laughing at the idea that it was Chanyeol who was a combination of two different kids instead of the other way around.

"You're thinking of something." Chanyeol tilted his head when he noticed Junmyeon was in deep thoughts. He kept it short since Jongin was in his arms and Jongdae was happily hugging Junmyeon from behind as the soldier gave the kid a piggyback ride.

It was more open now in the way that they talked to each other. Just pointing out actions blatantly, which turned out to be quite helpful. Sometimes, the two of them were unaware of their own actions, and it was nice to have someone pointing it out before it got worse.

"I just realized where all the adorableness in Jongin and Jongdae comes from." It was a slight pause in the walk as they approached the bus stop. Junmyeon watched as Jongdae squealed into his ears and reached forward to grab the soldier's cheeks cutely when called adorable while Jongin and Chanyeol visibly seized up, the flesh of the soft-looking cheeks colored. Jongin even whined but in a happy way while Chanyeol looked away from the soldier's eyes.

"Oh! Ponies? Ponies are cute!"

"ah... teddy bears too..." Jongin added happily guessing with Jongdae.

"I suppose you do come from ponies and teddy bears."

Although Junmyeon knew that Chanyeol was similar to his kids, he knew that kids still had troubles with association and reversibility, and Junmyeon expected Chanyeol to know what the connection was.

It was silent the rest of the walk to Chanyeol's bookstore, but the two of them were comfortable. Chanyeol was blushing all the way to the bookstore, unable to look at Junmyeon knowing how unashamedly Junmyeon said all those things, but still unmistakably taking all the praises to heart. Junmyeon, on the other hand, was silently proud of himself for giving the attention Chanyeol needed.

Junmyeon didn't mind Chanyeol. It would take a little longer for him to start playing again, but it was a start. And he, too, knew that it was a long way from his violent episodes, but with Chanyeol, Junmyeon could finally see that he was getting better. 

* * *

Open.

If the Chanyeol from months ago saw the Chanyeol now, he would have freaked out, thrashing wildly at the reality, screaming at the new him to close up. It would have been impossible for him. Open did not entail anything comfortable or safe. It meant being exposed, vulnerable. His poor heart couldn't have handled being molded by anything else other than his will to protect his twins and continue his wife's promise.

It started simple, of course.

The bright-eyed soldier who seemed to spare exclusive warm gazes upon only him and his twins inched slowly and quietly around his walls. It was difficult to notice at first since Chanyeol was so lost under the attention the older gave him, but each time they went out, gathered with friends or bumped into strangers, the old soldier simply stared forward, dark brows flat upon his forehead, lips with the smallest curls at the tip, eyes neutral with no intensity.

It was his best friend, who nonchalantly pointed it out.

Baekhyun smiled up at Chanyeol, his arms linked with his bigger ones as his head rested idly on his shoulders, whispering just loud enough only for the taller to hear. "Seems like the handsome neighbor took notice of your needs."

Chanyeol was trying to eat his hot dog in peace choked upon a large bite with a particular piece chilly that burned hot right inside his throat.

"I'm impressed at how quickly he caught on without my help." Baekhyun giggled. Of course, his friend knew how to press his buttons and where exactly to press it.

Chanyeol never liked to admit it, but he loved the attention, the affection, anything that anyone could give him, and make him feel belong and wanted. Baekhyun always knew it. He always used the right words, the right gestures, the right time. In reminiscence, Baekhyun once told him after Jongsoo's passing that she had always goaded him into spilling every weakness Chanyeol had, so she could exploit it.

"Then again, you're so obvious, Channie."

Chanyeol's tears were still burning at his eyelids threatening to fall at the intensity of the spiciness. He had felt exposed and realized then how exposed he was.

Although he was silently suffering the aftermath of clumsy eating, the warm voice flooded his system before he even registered who he was.

Junmyeon with that stare again.

"And you always tell your children to chew well, here." Junmyeon chuckled beside him and handed him a small milk carton that Chanyeol recognized to be one of Jongin's. Chanyeol couldn't figure out how much strength the old soldier really had in his muscles because Jongin and Jongdae were snugged on each side of Junmyeon's arms along with Sehun holding on to his left leg, and somehow, Junmyeon was still functioning well. "You two enjoy your food. I'll lead Jongjong and Sehunnie to the playground."

"Nini and Daedae, let me hold Suhorang, too!"

The twins refused. And Chanyeol was surprised that Jongin was somewhat restricting. Chanyeol wouldn't say the kid was unkind, but Jongin had always been known to share or give up his toys. However, knowing that Junmyeon was more than just a toy, Chanyeol could secretly align himself with Jongin's agenda as well. Jongdae, on the other hand, was just a little mean with his possession, always, a mocking tongue towards Sehun below.

But, of course, Junmyeon just shook his head and kneeled down to Sehun's level.

"Baekhyun-shi, will you help Sehun on to my neck?"

Chanyeol spared Baekhyun a boisterous laugh when his son was happier with Junmyeon than his own father and stayed silent as Baekhyun gripped underneath Sehun's armpit to pull him up and seated him right behind Junmyeon's nape, letting his legs dangle over his shoulders and touching the twins' hands that were holding on the old soldier's chest.

"Sehun-ah, hold on to my head." the kid happily complied, of course. And Chanyeol was amazed at how Junmyeon could handle that much weigh pressed down his upper body and tried not to imagine other things. "Jongin and Jongdae, if you let Sehun fall, Ahjusshi will be sad about it," Junmyeon warned the twins as he stood up. Immediately, there was harmony among the children once again. The soldier really knew how to pacify the devils in children, and it was extremely _intriguing_ to watch.

As Junmyeon walked away from the two, happily tending to the kids, Chanyeol could breathe easier but in a way that he realized he didn't like.

"But he's making it obvious, too, you know." Baekhyun snatched the milk carton from Chanyeol's dazed self, tearing the tube away and pushing it into the milk, taking a sip before pushing it back into his face. "It's like laser pointing with a sniper, and you're the target— OW. WHAT."

Chanyeol felt the sting in his hands when he smacked the smaller man upside down in the back of his head. "Shut up. You're embarrassing."

"Look, he's a soldier. I should use military terms for concrete examples." The smaller man scoffed as he ate his fair share of sandwich himself. "And you know how laser works, right? Everyone could that he's pointing at you— YAAH! PARK CHANYEOL!"

Maybe Chanyeol should stop smacking Baekhyun and take him to the hospital to check for post-concussion syndrome, but Chanyeol was pretty sure that whatever Baekhyun's head had was annoying idiot syndrome, and it was plaguing Chanyeol's mental state.

But as hard as Chanyeol drummed Baekhyun's head like he once did to his drum sets, Chanyeol was forced to notice the glaring difference between how the old soldier treated other people and him. Junmyeon always seemed to treat other people with a distance akin to a business partner, but he would direct special attention to only children and him. Him, Park Chanyeol. Out of all other adults.

Recovering from his choking, Chanyeol sipped the milk as he looked back to the food stand, dipping his hot dog into more spicy sauce. At this point, Chanyeol was attempting to cover his blush with the burning chilly painting red on his skin. The idea of Junmyeon assaulting his senses, burning him up was still too raw for his mind to process at the moment.

Then, it built on top of simplicity.

It wasn't just stares or smiles.

Not Chanyeol was any less bashful when Junmyeon presented him with _more._

Sometimes, it was remembering Jongdae's favorite color. Sometimes, it was helping out with _his_ chores. Sometimes, it was staying over late just to make sure the twins were okay. Sometimes, staying over late just to make sure that _he_ was okay.

"Don't think about playing for an audience. Play for Jongin and Jongdae." Junmyeon whispered softly as Chanyeol strummed lightly on his guitar trying to focus and not let his fingers slip. Even after four years, Chanyeol _knew_ he could play Beethoven. It was somewhere engraved in his mind, but his muscles and his memories wouldn't allow him.

Junmyeon, however, reassured him as always.

"Just keep playing until you could only think of Jongin and Jongdae?" Junmyeon offered one time, thinking as he played with his pen, poking at his own chin. Junmyeon looked younger under the soft light in his living room, shoulders tensed, baring with Chanyeol's struggles rather his own nightmares. "You can find their voices amongst the loud audience, I'm sure."

And the more Chanyeol practiced, the better his focus was. Hence, the more Junmyeon applauded his efforts, of course, with even more indulgence: cooking a late-night snack for him, preparing breakfast for their family, patting his shoulders...

"Just try to shift your focus. Don't worry about messing up. All you have to do is look out for the twins." Junmyeon chirped after many days of working on his tolerance. His back was facing Chanyeol as he was preparing to cook some seaweed soup, making Chanyeol feel like it was his birthday. "I'll be looking out for you three."

Chanyeol just nodded absentmindedly even if Junmyeon couldn't see him.

Chanyeol began strumming again, eyes blankly staring at Junmyeon's back as he worked in his kitchen. There was still anxiety there as always, but Junmyeon was right. He could hear less of the audience and more of his children.

Chanyeol didn't know how much time had passed, but part of him knew he was possessed. Somewhere along the lines of mindlessly strumming whatever chord progression his muscles remembered and watching Junmyeon's naked forearms move, Chanyeol felt something else under his skin.

At one point, Chanyeol was starting to hear the tender voice of Junmyeon overwhelming his senses, hyperaware as he played away on his guitar, plucking the strings, rolling the tips of fingers against the sharp strings, pressing and pressing, gripping at the guitar neck, sliding along the expand of the wood, beating his palm against the soundboard.

Along the way, in addition to his voice, Junmyeon's presence took over. It wasn't just the guitar that Chanyeol was playing. It wasn't just endless chords that Chanyeol was hearing. It wasn't just the strings that Chanyeol's fingers danced upon. Something else. Someone else. Junmyeon _. Junmyeon. Junmyeon—_

Chanyeol's fingers trembled and slipped from the metal strings.

"Chanyeol-ah?" It was quick of Junmyeon to notice what was wrong, but Chanyeol was somewhat glad that Junmyeon couldn't perfectly read his mind. "Again?"

It used to be the daunting voice of the audience that took him straight out of the sanity realm whenever he started playing, but now it was Junmyeon, and Chanyeol couldn't really tell him the truth or what had just flashed through his mind.

His blood was singing, and if Chanyeol could hear it, it would have sounded desperate. Chanyeol could only stupidly shook his head as he let the rough fingers of the old soldier run down along his guitar arms. Eyes filled with concern, lips telling him it was okay, smelling of homemade kimchi, overpowering Chanyeol with domestic warmth that Chanyeol had silently craved for so long.

It was pooling in his back of his mind, the bottom of his heart, the pit of his stomach, the tips of his toes. The guitar pressed closely against his burned up body, a barrier between him and the soldier.

"Don't worry about it. It's just— I've been practicing too long. It's nothing else."

Junmyeon seemed to be swayed easily and went back to his cooking, telling Chanyeol on the way to put away his guitar and go take a shower. "You're sweating. Tell me if there's anything you need, okay?"

Chanyeol didn't need to be told twice because once Junmyeon turned around Chanyeol bolded for the bathroom, letting out a breath he didn't know he held for so long. It was starting to clear now. Chanyeol had always thought it was just flattering the way Junmyeon made him part of the creature comforts and wormed his way into his family's life. The initial fog of his tiring life without his wife was beginning to dissipate as the beating of his heart fell into a different rhythm whenever Junmyeon was around. And Chanyeol was afraid. He knew he shouldn't be, but there it was again.

Quickly, opting for a cold shower to run down the heat in his system, Chanyeol was sure that whatever he needed was not something Junmyeon in his right mind was willing to give.

As if it hadn't been complicated enough, it became even more muddled.

"Appa! This one!"

It was the first time Chanyeol had saved enough for some nice clothes for the twins. They were going on the stage after all in front of other families. The kids would want to feel extra special, and Chanyeol was not one to deny them, especially after living frugally for so long.

Junmyeon, on the other hand, had the twins attached to the hips like always, and Chanyeol felt like if it kept going any longer, Chanyeol couldn't take the twins off Junmyeon. In some way, Chanyeol felt a little jealous, but he wasn't sure who exactly he was jealous of.

In the end, Jongin had picked a small white button-up shirt with tiny bears printed all over while Jongdae tried to follow Jongin's taste with his small white button-shirt with tiny sunflowers.

"I guess I should probably match you two, huh?"

Junmyeon mentioned as he took a turn towards the men's section, and Chanyeol realized that Junmyeon had only ever worn black (and yellow, that one time Chanyeol gave him his sweater). With the twins to his sides, Chanyeol wandered around in the sea of clothes while Junmyeon disappeared to the changing room.

Today was also the meeting with the charity organizers, where they would be discussing the planning and the staging. Chanyeol was already dressed in his sky-blue short sleeves button-up while the children just wore their Avengers t-shirts. Chanyeol thought they had the time to do some shopping before showing at the meeting, and Junmyeon readily agreed as he lacked the proper wear to attend a normal and somewhat formal gathering.

"Appa! Get one, too!" Jongdae pulled at his right hand cutely.

"No need, Dae-ah. Appa has plenty of white shirts already." And Chanyeol really did. He hadn't worn all of them either. The man had learned to keep some for only special occasions and other regular for the workplace.

Then emerged Junmyeon with the simplest long sleeves white button-up. Junmyeon spent his time paying at the register, but Chanyeol was just blinking away all the crazy thoughts he suddenly had. Chanyeol knew Junmyeon was _bright,_ but he didn't realize how _brighter_ he could be. And it was certainly illegal that the shirt was hugging his body so well, it brought Chanyeol so many midnight thoughts.

Of course, Chanyeol came to the conclusion that Junmyeon was trying to kill him because once he turned back to the trio, Junmyeon wore a warm smile and brought his hand up to run his fingers through his thick jet-black hair. The way his hair just parted and stayed lifted for a second before falling down to cover his forehead again. It wasn't new that Junmyeon had his hair lifted or covering his forehead. No. It was the first time Chanyeol ever actually saw Junmyeon groomed himself in front of other people.

And Chanyeol knew that his nose bleed was a dead give-away.

A lot of cleaning and wiping later in the men's bathroom with Jongin and Jongdae looking more relieved as they had never seen their father bled before, Chanyeol tried not to dart his eyes to the other mirror where Junmyeon was grooming his hair still.

"You think I look more handsome like this?"

Of course, the question was directed at the twins. Junmyeon had been dipping water into his own hair and styled it differently to fit the kids' preference, but from time to time, his eyes would meet Chanyeol's, and Chanyeol just wanted to yell at him to stop because he looked handsome regardless.

On the way to school, Junmyeon had insisted he drink something to boost his energy to up his sugar intake, but Chanyeol refused, telling him it would be better after the meeting. The nose bleed was just him stressing out with all the guitar sessions he had been putting himself through. And it was definitely not Junmyeon.

Now, it was even more obvious. Baekhyun was more than correct in his judgments. Junmyeon's expressions had never moved beyond 'mildly interested' when he talked to other people.

"Chanyeol-ah, do you want to bring your own guitar?" Junmyeon's eyes tender with his easy smile.

"Um— yeah. I will use my own. It can be plugged into an amp. I'll bring it next time right before the performance day, so we test it."

"Oh, don't worry about it. We have extra microphones anyway. You don't have to make the trip again." One of the teachers said.

It sent shivers down his spine when Junmyeon turned back to others with the neutral look in his eyes. It looked so distant and cold, to an extent. It made Chanyeol afraid of the possibility that he could be the receiving end of that gaze if he made one wrong move. So Chanyeol resolved that this was as good as it could have ever gotten.

"Just ask, Channie." Baekhyun ruffled his hair as Chanyeol whined on his laps. They were having Sehun and Minseok over at Chanyeol's apartment on a Sunday. Junmyeon was occupied at this time, leaving Chanyeol to Baekhyun's watch. He felt like he was being supervised by Junmyeon and Baekhyun at some point, and Chanyeol didn't really mind.

"But— I mean I'm paying him money, you know, he's my babysitter, so..."

"So? You're an adult. Have an adult talk with him. I'm sure he would appreciate that."

"What if..."

"Look, I think he's made it clear with his actions already. You, on the other hand, need to approach because if he approaches, you would definitely run away."

"I'm not running away." A weak attempt, of course, but he knew he was the worst culprit in this instance.

"You don't have to run anymore. Jongjongs are well-fed, and you seemed brighter. Plus, with your new focus on music, I think you could find something there, too." Baekhyun smiled down at him this time. He looked like he wanted to add something, but Chanyeol knew what he was trying to entail.

He could move on. He should move on.

Chanyeol forgot how easy it was to graze past something. To let something slip so easily. He had forgotten how easy it was to lose something until he came face-to-face with the picture of his wife smiling ever so brightly in the picture. He was quickly reminded once more when Junmyeon's text lit up and drew horror on his face.

Jongin was suddenly sick and Junmyeon had rushed to take the twins to the hospital. By the time Chanyeol showed up bolted from the bookshop to the children's ward in the hospital close to his apartment.

Jongdae had been crying with his red-rimmed eyes watching the paled Jongin on the bed as the doctor poked around with his abdomen. Junmyeon could only offer a sorry look, holding on to Jongdae closer.

"I'm the father. Is there something wrong?" Chanyeol couldn't ask any deeper questions still in adrenaline.

"Ah, there's nothing too bad." The doctor smiled in reassurance. "It's just that there's a lot of build-ups. The boy just has to poop more. That's all. I'll offer something to help him relieve himself."

Of course, hearing the word 'poop' had both the twins suddenly giggling, feeling a lot better, while relief washed over both Junmyeon and him.

"Aigoo~~ Jonginnie needs to do more poopie~~" Jongdae giggled arms reaching out to Jongin, and Junmyeon let Jongdae down to scoot closer to his twin brother.

It was dark when they walked back to the apartment. Chanyeol had Jongin in his arms, dozing off cutely while Junmyeon had Jongdae snoring softly against his neck.

"Thank you so much for being there." Chanyeol couldn't really find any other words to describe the relief he felt when he knew Junmyeon was there when Jongin was in pain and Jongdae was panicking and crying as he watched his own brother thrashed around. They must have been so scared without their father around, but with Junmyeon, they were hanging on. "Thank you so much."

"It's alright. I'm the babysitter, of course. It'd be stupid of me if I didn't do anything." Junmyeon smiled at him with a soft voice.

Suddenly, Chanyeol felt it again.

"They're going to grow up soon, and I probably won't be babysitting them until then."

Once again, Chanyeol remembered how easily something could slip away from his grasp.

"You think they'll still let me kiss them?" Junmyeon chuckled as he looked forwards, eyes crinkling at his own imagination.

There was something there left unsaid. Junmyeon wouldn't be around for long. He was right. Junmyeon, too, was going to move on. Junmyeon had agreed with the one-year arrangement. Maybe if Chanyeol convinced him, Junmyeon could push for a few more months, but Junmyeon wouldn't stay with them forever.

Unless Chanyeol asked him to stay.

That night, Chanyeol stayed awake, thinking about life without Junmyeon, coming up with excuses to deal with the aftermath.

However, the morning came.

The doorbell rang, and before him was Junmyeon telling him good morning.

And Chanyeol wasn't so sure anymore if he wanted to make more excuses.

So...

Open.

No longer Chanyeol told himself that he was exposed.

He wanted to be open.

"Um... Junmyeon-shi?"

The old soldier chuckled as he made his way into Chanyeol's kitchen. "I think you should call me Hyung instead. I don't want us to be awkward with addressing each other."

"Hyung."

Junmyeon turned around, of course. He was in the long-sleeve black t-shirt that he had always worn, but somehow he looked brighter today.

"Are you free this Saturday after the performance?" his palms were slowly starting to sweat, but Chanyeol had to try at least. Baekhyun had never been wrong about his own intuition before, so Chanyeol was betting everything on his best friend at this point.

"Yes."

"Well, Baekhyun offered to look after Jongjong. And... and ... You've always shown extra effort in taking care of the kids, and I want to treat you somewhere." Chanyeol hoped it wasn't that obvious, but still hoped that Junmyeon got the hint.

A raised brow and a tilted head. Chanyeol could've sworn it was the rare occurrence of the old soldier being adorable without being around children.

"I was going to ask that, but you got ahead of me. It's been a while since we had a drink together."

And now it was Chanyeol's turn to flush because it couldn't have been this easy.

"Let me treat you instead. I have a friend that owe me plenty of meals, and I've been wanting to use that privilege with someone I care about."

Chanyeol knew he should've protested more, telling Junmyeon that it didn't make sense for him to treat his own employer, but Chanyeol was still a little star-struck at the fact he was on Junmyeon's list of people that he cared about. Knowing the kind of distance Junmyeon put around people even Baekhyun after so many times they'd hung out, Chanyeol figured out that it must be a very exclusive list to even call him Junmyeon Hyung.

"Plus it's right after the performance. It'll be nice to applaud your efforts for coming this far."

Chanyeol could only nod dumbly and went away to wake the twins with red high on his cheeks. 

* * *

Junmyeon looked at himself in the mirror. The tiny scars and the cut on his left eyebrow. He was getting old and rusty from a lot of years spent working to the bone with nothing of support. Yixing had always been there, but Junmyeon failed to appreciate the help. It was Yixing that had cleaned his left eye, telling him that everything was alright. It had taken the soldier so long, but he finally saw his faults.

"I'll do it..." Junmyeon breathed out the sentence as he came to his senses.

"Huh? The prostate exam? Yes, every man should get that. You're in critical time as well. It's perfect timing. Don't worry I'll pay for it."

"Not really ..." _on second thought,_ if it was for free, "Um, well, yes. That one, but also the retirement ceremony."

It was the first time Junmyeon actually stepped into Yixing's office. He was medic on the field close to Junmyeon and stuck with him with so long, Junmyeon almost forgot there was a time that Yixing had told him he preferred the office life rather than the military. Now, with Junmyeon no longer continuing his missions, Yixing was still with him in an office of a therapist still working on Junmyeon as his first patient. It fitted him, clean and decent, the office. The sun shone well through the window, the view from the fifth floor looked surprisingly cozy with the lively park beneath, the couches were comfortable all around. Yixing even his late thirties seemed like he hadn't aged a day. An old friend. Junmyeon partly wanted to go back to the time where it was him being mildly interested in Yixing without a single nightmare plaguing his dreams every day, but he remembered someone he met after all the troubles and thought that maybe it was worth a journey to get here.

"What? You mean..." Yixing looked even younger like this, hair swept up, round black-rimmed glasses, wearing the most comfortable looking trousers and button-up, lips ajar at his statement.

"To say sorry for my past behaviors," The soldier had always been distant from everyone even Yixing to some extent, but he knew now that he had gotten this far because of his help.

"Cap, you've saved my life so many times I think it's me who should say sorry for not looking after you close enough. I'd always thought you were okay with your expression, but I realized too late." Yixing came to his couch and sat next to him. However, he seemed to restraint himself from hugging the old soldier, being serious, unlike his usual playful self. Junmyeon wanted to argue, but Yixing beat him to it. "You deserve the benefits and live your own life. I'm glad you finally agree."

"But know that I only want to do this for you. Nothing else."

Yixing had wanted the old soldier to receive a proper sent off by the military with gold medals and praises along with a full bank account, but Junmyeon was stuck in a different realm for so long, and he couldn't see his own worth.

Well, he still had trouble still seeing. The nightmares hadn't gone away just because he made one good decision. Junmyeon still hung on to the cold metal of his gun for comfort, but now he also realized that he had Yixing and -

"Chanyeol, right? Your neighbor is God-sent."

Junmyeon smiled at the name.

It was Yixing that brought him to Chanyeol in the first place, so he thought that it all worked out.

"I don't have much confidence in what I'm about to do, but I hope that you'll be here when things go awry." Junmyeon felt his shoulders getting lighter as he said the words to his old friend.

"Oh, there's no use getting rid of me, Hyung~~" Finally, the old doctor gave in and brought him for a tightest embrace he could muster, but Yixing knew that he couldn't crush an old soldier with a hug.

The old soldier chuckled and let himself indulged in Yixing’s shenanigans, petting his hair as he nuzzled himself into his nape. Junmyeon was getting more comfortable with touches since he had started working with the twins. The irritations sometimes popped up here and there, but it didn’t act up as much.

“You have to understand that you look more handsome with colors,” Yixing drew back and commented on his rosy pink button-up. “Not that black looks bad on you, but change once in a while. It keeps the eyes staring, brain thinking… as food for thoughts,” and another wink from Yixing. “You know… for stimulations.”

Junmyeon could only sigh and push the creepy doctor anyway before heading for the door. He had asked to meet Yixing very early in the morning right before going to knock on Chanyeol’s door. It was the performance day. He needed the confidence to move on and fight if things were to fall apart.

9:00 am.

Junmyeon took a deep breath. He barely had any sleep last night, waking once every twenty to thirty minutes not due to the haunting of his past but rather due to the excitement in the forthcoming morning. The performance. The date.

Junmyeon would like to think that it was a date. Maybe, Chanyeol wouldn’t think of it as such, but the soldier should do something about it after all. They’d been beating around the bush for too long, but it was for a good cause. Jongjongs came first in their mind. Chanyeol’s current affairs with dealing with his past and Junmyeon working on his own problems. It was never going to be easy, but they made it this far.

The old soldier already knew the passcode, but he rang the doorbell anyway. Thinking back months ago when Chanyeol allowed him to just walk in whenever and get whatever was needed for the twins, Junmyeon felt his stomach filled with something different from bile and metal. To have so much trust trusted upon him with a shy smile that Chanyeol offered. Junmyeon felt colors blooming in his guts, his chest, his heart. 

Soon, opening the door was Chanyeol with his biggest smile, eyes wide underneath his round-rimmed glasses, appearing even younger with his sky-blue button-up. He looked nice. Junmyeon didn’t know what else to think of.

It was the performance day after all, and Jongdae was going to wear his best lime green button-up while Jongin would complete their color palette with a lemon yellow button-up. It was their concept. _Blue, pink, green, yellow._

It had taken Chanyeol and the twins a long time to come up with the appropriate concept they could do all together. Something that would bind the youngsters and the adults together. _Balloons_ was the perfect one. It was an old song, but it was revived in the image of a younger generation.

Moreover, the animal aesthetics was perfect for the twins. The shopping for onesies was more than heart melting for Junmyeon to recollect. Jongin jumped happily in his bear costume dancing to _Balloons_ while he waited for Jongdae to get fitted into his dinosaur one, charming the shop-goers all around. Chanyeol decided to pick a white tiger onesie, saying that he just liked the color. It reminded of him of the _Suhorang_ that Sehun kept calling him, but Junmyeon didn’t dare ask the real intention behind his bashful neighbor' choices, so he just complimented Chanyeol and moved on to think about his own choice. It was difficult for Junmyeon to find the animal that would fit his stature and character. Though his character was a very worn-out old man, Jongdae thought it was a good idea to fit him a bunny suit. Jongin didn’t protest, and Chanyeol was more than interested in the resulting outcome.

“You’re here,” Chanyeol said with a dazed smile. It was an obvious answer. Junmyeon simply nodded. “Come in! We’re packing their food and their onesies.”

So, they took their time, preparing their costumes, and making sure they didn’t miss anything. Chanyeol already got his guitar in his guitar case. Junmyeon was going to burrow the keyboard at school, so he didn't have to worry while Jongin and Jongdae worked on their tiny dance routine Chanyeol and Junmyeon had spent so long teaching them.

“Appa! Can’t we play with the balloons already?” Jongdae chirped out as Junmyeon was fixing his collar and his shorts. Jongdae looked too adorable like this, so Junmyeon couldn’t help but surprise him with two kisses on both his cheeks. The kid giggled in delight, jumping into his hug as Junmyeon fixed his hair.

“I think it would spoil the performance…” Chanyeol thought, fingers grazing his chin, before shrugging his shoulders. “but… it’s only balloons.”

So, they sat at the back of the bus, balloons of the same colors of their shirts tied to their wrists flying about a meter up the air touching the top of the bus. Eyes crinkling up at the balloons, the twins were happily singing the song quietly to not disturb the other passengers. Junmyeon closed his eyes, silently reciting his lyrics. Chanyeol and he were going to be singing most of the lyrics. The twins would only chime in during the chorus and dancing to the music. 

After repeating his lyrics for the third time, Junmyeon finally opened his eyes and caught Chanyeol’s stare, biting back a smile. Chanyeol made an attempt to hide his obvious blunder by swiftly taking off his glasses and focusing on cleaning the lens, turning away from Junmyeon and biting at his lips.

They finally got to school, walking towards the stage in the school field. Rows and rows of plastic chairs were placed. Junmyeon just looked around, his instincts unable to get rid of, watching for potential danger. He had already scanned the area the first time he was here. There were no places for hiding or anything before Junmyeon shook his head. There was no point in worry about safety here. Security guards and plenty of teachers and parents around looking after the children.

The twins were still jumping around trying to catch their own balloons from the sky even though it was stuck to their wrists. Chanyeol tried to tell them to slow down before their performance, but children would be children. They were very excited, so Junmyeon helped by picking Jongdae up, which prompted Chanyeol to do the same with Jongin to stop them from running around too much.

Junmyeon couldn’t really do much talking in these places. Chanyeol and his twins were talking to the other parents along with the twins’ friends. He didn’t know the teachers or parents except for Baekhyun. The man had heard of their arrangements and came to support the four of them with Sehun. Of course, Baekhyun was also there to pick up the children so that the adults could do something else together, and Junmyeon was very grateful.

“So… is it a fancy place or like a cozy place?” Baekhyun was nice enough to notice his discomfort around so many people, deciding to stick around the lonely soldier. Sehun, on the other hand, was more than happy to let Junmyeon pick him up, eyes stuck to his pink balloon above. “You know… So I can work on my imagination.”

Junmyeon had this six-sense knowing that if Yixing were to meet Baekhyun, all hell would break loose.

“Nothing too fancy,” Junmyeon answered either way. Baekhyun was Chanyeol’s best friend, and perhaps he was worried and excited for his best friend’s moving on stories. Junmyeon would try his best to reassure Baekhyun that he wouldn’t step out of line, knowing how fragile Chanyeol could be and how protective Baekhyun was for his best friend.

"Ah~~ I see... though I will admit that you look like you could pull off a lot of _looks_ , fancy as a CEO or cozy as a friendly neighbor. I can see the handsome coffee oppa walking around charming everyone in the area."

Junmyeon didn’t ask whether if it was Junmyeon or Chanyeol he was referring to. It disturbed him greatly. This conversation really didn’t help him in getting comfortable.

“hmmm….” Baekhyun sighed happily as he caught Junmyeon staring Chanyeol from afar. “Yeollie is happier these days. I suppose I should thank you for taking care of him though I feel like Chanyeol should be paying you extra since your job is to just look after the twins.”

“I don’t mind the extra work,” Junmyeon smiled when Chanyeol noticed his gaze. The taller neighbor just sent them a small wave, moving the blue balloon that was tied to his left wrist in the air. Chanyeol was adorable for a twenty-eight-year-old father, and Junmyeon didn’t have anything against that at all. It set his tired heart at ease. “I knew from the start the three of them come in a package.”

The event finally started with the opening speech on the gift of giving and sharing. They were doing what they can to help the single parents around the area, a campaign started by one of the mothers in the neighborhood. Of course, everyone joined in, and it would raise awareness about the love and care that single-parents could offer their children. It wasn’t the end of the world for them, and there shouldn’t be prejudice amongst the idea. It'd also warmed Junmyeon's and Baekhyun's heart greatly that the twins had approached their father to join the cause under the guidance of their great teacher.

Everyone had sung, acted, danced, and play games all around. The children had their chance to show off their talents and filled their parents’ heart full of pride. Soon, it was their turn. Quickly they got ready for their performance backstage. Junmyeon stepped into the onesie quick enough before looking for Jongin’s approval for the placement of his bunny ears, leveling with his height. The small kid excitedly helped him with covering his head with the hood and pushing up the tall ears.

Then, the now old bunny soldier turned to Chanyeol was just finishing helping Jongdae into his dinosaur onesie.

“Jonginnie~~ I’ll put the bear on you! I know how!” Chanyeol beamed proudly at how fast Jongdae learned to put on the costume helping out his own brother before he was called by Junmyeon.

“Here, let me help. I know how, too.” Junmyeon had already unfolded the Suhorang costume for Chanyeol who pulled on his own collar shyly before stepping into the fabric. While Chanyeol was wearing his white sleeves, Junmyeon buttoned up the rest of the costume for him from the waist up to the neck.

“Thank you,” with a lop-sided grin, Chanyeol blinked at Junmyeon as he pulled over the white hood over his head. Just for kicks, Junmyeon placed the hood tenderly on his mushroom hair before patting his head.

“You’re adorable.” It was a sentence usually reserved for the twins, but Junmyeon thought Chanyeol deserved it, too. Soon, the twins were jumping in their costumes and agreeing with the bunny soldier.

“Oh. Um. Thanks… You— you, too.”

Junmyeon knew that they already had this conversation back in the shopping mall when they bought the onesies, but it was nice to relive the moment that Chanyeol blushed under his gaze again. The déjà vu was more than welcomed in Junmyeon’s mind.

With the finishing touches, they retied the balloons back on after putting on the onesies. Junmyeon tied the string of his pink balloon on his left wrist. It wouldn’t be much disruption on his piano playing, so Junmyeon didn’t bother changing the location. Chanyeol, however, tied his blue balloon on the left elbow instead of his wrist as he had to play the guitar. Jongin and Jongdae had their yellow and green balloons tied to the left elbows respectively as well. Since they had to dance, the strings to their balloons were a bit longer, and to avoid any tangling happening during the performance, Chanyeol had slowed the song to where Jongin and Jongdae could dance comfortably.

Their left hands placed on top of each other right before the MC called out their names, and they cheered to their own performance. “Let’s go!”

Then, they were on the stage. It was obvious that the mothers were already cooing at the four men in their animal costumes with their balloons cutely floating up in the air.

Chanyeol was the first to introduce himself once they got into a line, waving to the audience. “Hello, everyone! I’m Chanchan the tiger!”

As soon as Chanyeol bowed, Junmyeon heard a small voice shouting from the audience. “Wah! Suhorang! There’s two Suhorang, appa!”

Of course, everyone just laughed at the cute little Sehun in his bright excitement while Baekhyun bowed around to apologize for the ruckus. Maybe, Baekhyun had been a trouble maker his whole life, and now his son was coming back to haunt him with his behaviors. Like father, like son, they said. 

Without a hitch, Chanyeol leaned down to give his Jongin the microphone. Junmyeon could’ve sworn Chanyeol was glaring towards Baekhyun’s direction for Sehun’s outburst. “Hello, everyone. I’m Nini the bear.” It was the shy mumbling that got the audience to go ‘aw’ at the little twin. Jongin was more than bashful at the attention but returned the elders and his friends in the audience a small smile.

“Hi, Hi! I’m Daedae the dinosaur! RAWRRR!” Jongdae, on the other hand, thrived under the attention and jumped happily before throwing his arms forward in the typical t-rex motions.

It was Junmyeon that had to stop Jongdae from roaring anymore or any louder, leaning to pat his head, telling him he did a good job.

Then, it was Junmyeon’s turn, and it must have been the realization that he was on stage, out in the open, out in the eyes of the public that the old man tried his best to swallow back his nervousness and introduce himself. “Hi, I’m … Junjun the bunny.”

However, everyone just giggled in his direction when Junmyeon registered the fact that he was right-hand saluting. The old bunny just shook his head to gather himself and bowed instead deeply a 90-degree bow. Junmyeon really was getting too old for trying to be this adorable, and he was about to apologize for the self-imposing cringe, but seeing how the audience just applauded them for their introduction with fond welcoming gazes, Junmyeon knew that everything was going to be fine.

The MC had already announced the song they were to sing, but Chanyeol thought to let Jongdae have his little moment and let him speak to the audience in his mighty dinosaur’s wrath.

“We’re going to sing ‘Balloons’ because it’s a nice song. Everyone here knows the lyrics, and it’s about all of us coming together and working together. That’s why we’re different animals, working together! Right, Nini?” It was Jongdae’s habit to include Jongin in everything that he did, and it melted everyone’s heart when Jongdae leaned closer to his little brother to pull at his cheeks. “It’s also about beautiful memories in these balloons, and we hope to help you remember your happy memories and keep them in your hearts!”

While Jongdae was talking, Junmyeon and Chanyeol had already taken their position at the backline. The old bunny was on the left side of the stage, seated comfortably before his keyboard, looking at the microphone, softly tapping it to hear his equipment working well. His tall neighbor tiger picked up his guitar and wore it before sitting down to bring his microphone closer.

Finally, everyone was ready and quiet when Jongin and Jongdae got into their positions standing nearer to the audience side by side.

Junmyeon took a deep breath before looking across the stage for Chanyeol’s signal, and the white tiger just nodded, and the old bunny started his solo piano piece, starting the song with a mellow feeling, singing softly with the lyrics in his heart.

_“_ _지나가버린_ _어린_ _시절엔_ _풍선을_ _타고_ _날아가는_ _예쁜_ _꿈도_ _꾸었지_ _._ _노란_ _풍선이_ _하늘을_ _날면_ _내_ _마음에도_ _아름다운_ _기억들이_ _생각나_ _”_

_“During my past childhood, I dreamt of a beautiful dream about riding a balloon and flying. If a yellow balloon flies in the sky, my heart remembers beautiful memories.”_

During his acoustic solo, Jongin and Jongdae were swinging their bodies left to right to his singing when they began to look up to the balloons floating above them and jumped delightfully to try to catch them.

Soon, Chanyeol joined in with his guitar and blended his deep voice with Junmyeon’s soft one, turning the song brighter and more upbeat, building up the emotions.

It was in the middle of the song when Jongin actually forgot the dance and paused suddenly looking scared, but before he could burst into a sob, Jongdae had already to link their arms together and turned the mistake into a circle of laughter, pulling Jongin into a run, so they could chase each other in circles. The little twin quickly forgot his mistake and happily chased down his big brother’s dinosaur tail.

_“_ _왜_ _하늘을_ _보면_ _나는_ _눈물이_ _날까_ _?_ _그것조차_ _알_ _수_ _없잖아_ _._ _왜_ _어른이_ _되면_ _잊어버리게_ _될까_ _?_ _조그맣던_ _아이_ _시절을_ _때로는_ _나도_ _그냥_ _하늘_ _높이_ _날아가고_ _싶어_ _잊었던_ _나의_ _꿈들과_ _추억을_ _가득_ _싣고_ _.”_

_“I can’t understand why tears come out when I look at the sky. I wonder why you forgot the tiny childhood when you become an adult. At times, I too want to just fly high into the sky with my forgotten dreams and memories.”_

If Junmyeon could frame this moment, he would definitely do it. After all these years of struggling, trying to find somewhere to belong, he felt that this, doing this together with the adorable family of three was the happiest moment in his life. Sometimes, Junmyeon would look across the stage where he would find Chanyeol returning the fond gaze, and the old bunny knew that perhaps, the white tiger was thinking the same thing.

Maybe, Junmyeon didn’t have the happiest memories in his life, but he was sure that he wanted the twins’ memories to be full of the love and the happiness they deserve. And hopefully, he could be part of Chanyeol’s happy memories, too. It was too much to ask, but Junmyeon was already attached, feeling protective of their smiles. If he had to wear this bunny costume even if he was too damn old for it forever to keep this family happy, he would do it. Yixing had already taken away most of his pride. It didn’t matter anymore.

Towards the end of the performance, Jongin and Jongdae did a great job in pulling off the dance routine without any more mistakes, effectively stealing all the hearts and hopefully all the money for their cause. Chanyeol looked like he was about to burst into tears underneath his glasses, watching his children, so he just closed his eyes feeling the music and guitar. And with a determined look of a soldier accomplishing his mission (quite uncharacteristic for a rabbit), Junmyeon tried to follow Chanyeol’s lead so that their vocals and instruments harmony didn’t fall apart.

In the end, there was a big standing ovation, and the four of them simply held each other’s hands and bowed towards the crowd, thanking them for their applause. When they looked back up, Junmyeon saw Baekhyun rushing to the front of the audience taking so many pictures of the four of them together before giving them a thumb-up, so they could walk off the stage.

“Oh, Channie!! I’m so proud of you! You did it!” Baekhyun jumped into Chanyeol’s arm the moment they met backstage. It was a proud moment indeed. Junmyeon had spent the whole month stuck to Chanyeol’s side whenever he broke down playing his instruments. Chanyeol still made some mistakes, of course, they all did. However, Chanyeol was able to pull through without dropping his guitar and held on throughout the whole performance. “You did it! You’re so amazing up there!”

Sehun was there, too, huddling with the twins, cackling at their outfits and telling them they were really cool upstage dancing with the balloons like that, wanting to join them. The twins readily agreed and promising Sehun that they would teach him how to dance and told Sehun to get himself a onesie, too. The kid was immediately on board and already dragging his father away from Chanyeol to settle on their animal costumes they were going to buy. 

“You all did well. All of you.” Junmyeon commented as Chanyeol kneeled to his kids’ level and embraced them close.

Already Chanyeol was crying and trying to hold himself back from full-on sobbing. As Jongin and Jongdae hugged him close, they couldn’t see their father struggling to wipe away his tears.

“You did so well you need rewards.” Junmyeon then dragged the twins back to let Chanyeol pull himself together. With their tradition, Junmyeon kissed both of their cheeks, their foreheads, and finally, their noses. “Your mother will be proud of you both.”

It seemed like his statement only did worse on Chanyeol as he turned away to hiccup into his sleeves, so Junmyeon helped Chanyeol up and held on to his cheeks. So big from the outside, but so fragile on the inside. Chanyeol was really doing things to his protective instincts now, and Junmyeon didn’t deny it anymore.

“You’ve done well. I’m proud of you. Jongsoo is certainly proud of you, too.”

With a warm smile, Junmyeon took Chanyeol by surprise and letting his instincts take over. He had been wanting to do this for a while the moment he knew that Chanyeol was craving for attention, glee blooming on his cheeks every time Junmyeon praised him. Tiptoeing to reach his height, the old bunny soldier leaned forward to tenderly place his lips over the white tiger neighbor’s left cheek and then the right cheek before pulling back to chuckle at the frozen, dumbfounded look on Chanyeol’s face. Junmyeon then placed another kiss on his forehead and finally on his nose. 

“I thought you shouldn’t be left out.” Junmyeon smiled as he leaned against Chanyeol’s forehead, his fingers softly playing with the taller man’s hair, his eyes soft staring back at Chanyeol through his glasses. Junmyeon then laughed inwardly at the thought of his eyes getting magnified by Chanyeol’s lens. This was something Junmyeon realized that he could do often. He wasn’t one for adorable things but, for the twins and Chanyeol, he wouldn’t complain.

Then, Junmyeon backed away before others could intrude their moment. The twins were cheering for them and asking for Chanyeol to give them the same treatment. Still stuck in a daze, Chanyeol was now in hiccups for a different reason, and Junmyeon was delighted, smiling with his full lips, feeling his heart open for a different beginning.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoo, it's so far, here. and i just realised that i dropped a lot of plot lines along the way. this was my first mxm story with a stronger plot from previous stories i've written which were all shiiet. i had like spent almost two years on this story, so that's why this had happened. i suppose i should go back and check the plot, but I'm already moving on to working on other projects. i'll be sure to just finish this for now. and i hope everyone enjoys it nonetheless. so I'm sorry for the grammatical errors and stuff not making sense.


	10. Chapter 10

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Chanyeol had dreaded the strings, the key, the melody. Each time he picked up the guitar, it brought him back to the past where he was only allowed to play the piano. Each time he thought of playing the piano, it bought him the darkness with it. The children crying in the crib without their mother. Being the chief mourner without having the time to mourn himself and leaving the children at the hospital. Remembering the words his family and Jongsoo’s family said to him.

Too much to bear with too little time. 

However, after so long, he finally had the time to register all the emotions and label them properly. With Junmyeon right beside him telling him that _“It’s okay to cry,”_ and that _“If the children wake up, I will coax them back to sleep, so Chanyeol-ah, don’t worry, take your time,”_ it was easier to just break down, pick himself back up and keep on playing until he got used to it again.

Then, with Junmyeon, each time he picked up the guitar, it brought a strange sense of security. Each time he felt secured to play, it brought him the ease he hadn’t felt in years. Each time he felt at ease, comfortable with what he was playing, he was … happy. Of course, it set him back from time to time, remembering bits and pieces of how he played for Jongsoo’s birthday, their proposal, Jongsoo’s pregnancy. But now he understood that there were all good memories. All the time, he played guitar was played for Jongsoo, and she had always loved him playing it. She wouldn’t want him to stop him because of her death. She would want him to keep playing for _her and the twins._ Now, even if the bad memories plagued him, the good ones would overwhelm him, and he was happy. Happy to play again. Happy to play for his wife. Happy to play for Jongjong.

“Shh…” It was strange that Junmyeon would press his finger to his lips as he approached him and sat beside him on the couch. “You keep forgetting to keep it down. The twins are to going to wake up.”

Chanyeol just smiled sheepishly as he strummed away at the strings and as Junmyeon requested _softer._ It was part of him. He remembered it now. Sometimes, he couldn’t stop the excitement from bubbling and keep strumming louder, but Chanyeol didn’t have to worry about disturbing the children or his neighbors because Junmyeon would always remind him.

“Sorry, hyung.”

“It’s alright,” Junmyeon smiled back at him with the softest gaze.

It was a change. From the neighbor that kept wearing black, shielding people off with sunglasses, caps, umbrella, Junmyeon was a lot brighter. Well, he still wore black of course, but he lost the sunglasses, the black cap, the black umbrella. He still looked stiff to strangers, but his tone was softer, less anxious, less stressed, just relaxed. It was nice.

“I think we’ve practiced it enough, Chanyeol-ah.” The time was already 10:15 pm. Maybe, he should be paying Junmyeon over time, but Chanyeol knew he would be met with refusals, either way, so he just hummed in agreement. “Um, is it okay if you play me something? Not a pop song. Can you play a piece?”

Chanyeol blinked at Junmyeon who had a warm cup of tea in his hands, sitting cross-legged on the couch next to him, facing him with a look that screamed _puppy eyes._ Maybe, the soldier had picked up the look from Jongin. Either way, he felt his cheeks burned at the attention and scrambled to look away to ceiling, appearing as if he was trying to think of something.

“Oh, of course. Hmm.. how about ‘La Vie en Rose’? I did try to arrange it myself on the guitar long ago. Give me a second.”

So, Chanyeol tried his best to ignore the heavy gaze of his neighbor as he tried to remember the chords and the melody he had arranged long ago. It took a while, but Junmyeon didn’t look particularly annoyed by his failure to find the right chord. Every time he caught eyes with the soldier, Junmyeon would just smile and nod, encouraging him further.

After five minutes of poking around his brain and letting his fingers find the right melody, Chanyeol exhaled in relief. “Alright, got it.” With a deep breath, he brought his hands back to stretch and crack at his knuckles, rotating his neck after all the furiously leaning down to look down at the fretboard.

It was so quiet then with Junmyeon waiting for him to play. Then, Chanyeol let his fingers go. It was difficult from playing four chords to playing individual notes without tabs. There were a lot of mistakes. It would have been easier if he had that piece of paper all the tabs he had noted down, but it was alright. Junmyeon appeared to be melting along with the melody as he watched Chanyeol’s fingers moved intently as Chanyeol plucked each note.

All Chanyeol could play was about two minutes of repeating tabs. Just the key melody in La Vie en rose on repeat a few times with some alteration along the way, letting his instinct take over when he forgot his tabs. And then, silence engulfed the living room with a sense of longing tinged at the lingering feeling of tender music soothing their muscles.

“I could get used to this,” Junmyeon finally spoke.

“Listening to unique guitar arrangements?” Chanyeol chirped, feeling quite proud that Junmyeon seemed so pleased at his playing. “There’s plenty on the internet. It soothes you, right?” which was true. There were many beautiful arrangements and covers on the internet, ranging from overly extravagant to four-chords-ukulele playing girls. Music was healing after all, and Junmyeon did mention along the way that perhaps music could be a way to make him relax and get rid of those anxious feelings.

“No… Chanyeol-ah… I mean, I could get used to you.” Junmyeon breathed so easily. Eyes nonchalant as if he hadn’t dropped the biggest bomb on his poor fragile heart.

Chanyeol choked on air and coughed, looking away, bashful.

“I could get used to you playing. It helps me think clearly…” the soldier leaned back on the couch arm, setting his cup back on the table. “This is nice, Chanyeol-ah. You’re doing well. Did you feel anything that… unsettle you?”

“Not this time, no.” Chanyeol couldn’t help his jumpy legs and fidgeting fingers when Junmyeon chuckled at his antics.

“Really? You don’t look so.”

“No— no,” _It’s you!_ “It’s nothing. I’m just nervous about Saturday.”

At that, the soldier’s eyes grew fondly, letting him go easily. “Don’t worry. I’ll be on the other side of the stage. Jongin and Jongdae will be there too if everything goes wrong. We’ll be there for each other.” There was a strange tightening feeling around his heart when Junmyeon reached out with a gentle touch on his forearm, nodding firmly. “You can do it.”

Chanyeol could only wordlessly gulped and nodded back at the soldier in response.

That night when Junmyeon waved goodbye and shut his front, Chanyeol rushed back into his living room, arms frantic shoving into nooks and cranny finding his phone, legs bolted into the bathroom.

“BAEKHYUN!” a _loud_ whisper followed by a hiss to the other line. “I’m dying! Help!”

_“What!? Then, call 112! Why me?! It’s fucking 11!”_

“It’s not that late yet,” Chanyeol tried to keep his phone away from his ears because Baekhyun was also very good at whisper-shouting.

_“Right, what is it? This better be important!”_

“Okay, so last Sunday, Jumyeon asked me out to dinner, and now I don’t –”

_“WHAT!? YES! DAMN BOI, your own babysitter!? My Chanyeollie is all grown up.”_

Chanyeol wished he could’ve waited to talk face-to-face, so he could have access to that face and shove his fist right into his brain.

“Shut up! I’m already grown up!”

_“Dude, no offense, but your dating life is shit. You got like… one girl.”_

“HEY! Don’t insult me and my eternal love for my wife!” Chanyeol felt like he should be more offended to have Baekhyun entailed that he couldn’t have been a Casanova. Well, he had the responsibilities of being a good boyfriend and husband, taking care of children, and … now that Junmyeon was around, he felt like he had to take this chance. “Look, that’s not the point! I don’t have… I mean… I don’t know what to wear…”

It was a late revelation. The single father had almost forgotten the fact that after his sons’ crucial performance, he had a … dinner with the (hot) neighbor next door.

Once Chanyeol thought about it, he had found himself staring his clothes that Jongsoo used to wear, his clothes that they went on dates together. Chanyeol realized at that moment, he had been holding on to too much of Jongsoo when he should be letting go. Even his works clothes were all bought so many years ago. He never once thought of emptying his closet.

So when Baekhyun stood before him in the late evening the next day as they stood in the male section in the mall asking, “What kind of clothes do you want to buy then?” It had Chanyeol thinking because _what_ clothes did he want to buy? What clothes he _ever wanted_ to buy? A question he failed to ask himself for so many years. Besides buying the twins clothes and one onesie for himself, Chanyeol hadn’t bought _any_ clothes for himself for years. The onesie was the first piece of clothing he had bought after five years since the last time he went shopping with his wife.

Other shoppers were watching, of course. A grown man crying in the middle of the male underwear section amongst the many bulges of the male mannequins.

It was Baekhyun who had to drag him into the nearest restroom, calming him down.

“Did you ask him what kind of place? Like causal or fancy?” After telling his best friend he was alright, Baekhyun asked again. And that was an important question. But later. He could ask Junmyeon later because right now he wanted to—

“Everything.” A hoarse whisper.

“What?” Baekhyun stared at him through the mirror.

Chanyeol looked at himself in the mirror. The wrinkles on his forehead and the bags beneath his eyes. He was getting old and even old older as he raised Jongin and Jongdae. It was Baekhyun who tried to keep him up to date with skincare routines, but he never got it done properly because there hadn’t been time. The seemingly worn lime green sweater he was wearing, the rough trousers he had on, the roughed up old sneakers. However, Junmyeon was at home at the moment looking after Jongin and Jongdae while Chanyeol got to go shopping with his best friend. Something he hadn’t done for so long.

“New clothes. I want to get new clothes.” Chanyeol whispered, his eyes no longer red from the crying. Maybe, he had cried enough for the ten years, these few months. “Empty my closet.”

Baekhyun gaped at him, but then he relaxed, lips stretched into a fond smile.

“I see… that’s a nice way to say you’ve come out of the closet, but whatever, let’s get you new clothes then.”

Once he had finished strangling Baekhyun to his last breath, Chanyeol picked up new clothes for comfort, for at home, for at work, and of course, for … dinner(s) if things went well. Chanyeol stopped by the kid’s section to get some new clothes for the twins as well, but he didn’t go overboard as he wanted to go shopping with them later. For now, he bought two new pieces for the twins and planned to give them as rewards after the performance on Saturday.

Junmyeon and the twins were surprised at all the shopping bags, and Chanyeol insisted that he kept the children waiting in the living room while he looked over the closet in their room.

It was something. He wasn’t sure how to explain it. Folding up all the clothes he had been wearing for half a decade. There were stitches, patches, tears in the fabric. Baekhyun suggested he could donate to the homeless if he wanted, and Chanyeol agreed easily. The seemingly _new_ old clothes were reminiscent of the clothes he had prepared for going up on performances when he was still a …musician. Those were wrapped in a different bag.

In the middle of it, he panicked, asking Baekhyun if he was getting rid of Jongsoo. Or was it too much? Was this the wrong thing to do?

“Chanyeol-ah… They’re clothes. You’re allowed to get new ones,” Baekhyun run his hand up and down his back, whispering. “It doesn’t mean you hate the old clothes. You just get new ones and move on because the old clothes don’t fit anymore, don’t suit you anymore.”

At the end of it, Chanyeol kept his wedding suit and his wife’s wedding dress, so he could remember their best moments, so Jongin and Jongdae would grow up to listen to their best moments. Understanding now that, he would forever love Jongsoo all the same, and now he had to open up more space in his heart for someone new. Perhaps… Junmyeon.

Chanyeol shook his head. It wasn’t appropriate to think that way. That dinner could mean anything and nothing. He shouldn’t make such a big deal out of it.

But Baekhyun had pointed out in a hushed tone because Junmyeon was in the other room that “It _is_ a big deal, you idiot! You spent half of your savings on clothes!”

Now, he stood, blinking rapidly in sweat, trying to make sense of what had just happened. Kim Junmyeon had just kissed him. Well, not exactly on the lips, but ... it was something. Chanyeol could still feel the phantom lips upon his cheeks, his forehead, and his nose, remembering the look that was all-consuming coming from the neighbor bunny soldier.

He tried to focus on taking off the onesies from Jongin and Jongdae, taking off his own onesie, not looking at Junmyeon, not noticing how Junmyeon was watching him attentively, trying not to shiver every time their eyes meet. And Chanyeol hadn’t gotten to the dinner part yet. Spoiler alert. He was going to die half-way there. Death by handsome neighbor staring confirmed.

Chanyeol had already shed his white tiger onesie that did not look anything remotely like Suhorang or Junmyeon as he dusted his new blue button-up, proud of the strange sensation of something new on his skin with no hint of the past.

“Chanyeol-ah?” the man in his casual clothes looked familiar as he approached Chanyeol, asking for a word privately with him.

“Minho-sunbaenim?” He hadn’t seen his face since… since his music days.

“One and only.” It was warm reconnecting with an old friend. He was a fellow musician who used to mentor him and be his accompanist as well back in the days. And Chanyeol admitted that it was strange to meet up with him this way. “I’ve known always you would be a terrible musician compared to your kids.”

“Okay, considering the things I’ve gone through, ouch,” Chanyeol laughed it off. They’d talked about this before having kids. Minho knew Jongsoo as well and tried his best to calm Jongsoo down whenever Chanyeol said something stupid to his wife. Oh, good old times. “But I do agree that I lose in the adorableness. I look ridiculous in that onesie.” Though Chanyeol had already believed that he looked absolutely adorable in that onesie after some _convincing_ from Junmyeon. Chanyeol shook his head again. Now wasn’t the time to blush at such things.

“Anyways, I want to get straight to the point, Chanyeol-ah. I’ve been looking for someone capable to teach children at my uncle’s school. He wanted to me to recommend someone, and…” Minho looked around, and his eyes landed on Junmyeon and the children. “Well, I’m sure that he isn’t a musician. I know you taught those three how to navigate the stage.”

Of course, Minho had always been perceptive. To untrained eyes, Junmyeon must have looked so handsome and – well, any eyes could see that Junmyeon was handsome— To untrained eyes, Junmyeon must have looked like pretty good at playing the piano as if he had been doing it for four or five years. But Junmyeon’s skills were quite… elementary. With his stiff posture, his stiff fingers, his stiff muscles, to trained ears, his notes were too much, too heavy at times, quite difficult to listen to. And Minho knew that Junmyeon couldn’t have played this well without someone’s help. The twins, of course, were taught by him too. Chanyeol taught them to follow the rhythm when to sing and when to dance. However, it was simply for performance. It was nothing grand.

“I— yes, but why are you telling me all of this?” Chanyeol was nervous, his fingers flicking at his belt, his eyes weary at his sunbae’s expressions. “Why… I mean how are you here? It can’t be a coincidence.”

“It’s not,” Minho sighed loudly. “Let me explain. I… you’re a good musician, Chanyeol-ah. You’re good at playing the piano and the guitar. I’m not willing to let you just give up, so I looked around for you and found out your kids come to school here. You must know that you’re quite famous even until now among us musicians. And after that… waiting. I wanted to see if you were going to play again.”

“Sunbae… I— it’s… it’s been a long time.” It was then that Chanyeol remembered all the friends he had lost. His fellow musician friends that were close to him. Like family, more than his blood family. He forgot how much he cared for them and how much they too cared for him. But Chanyeol couldn’t. It had been too long. He was a single father now. He had no fancy grand piano or have the space to play guitar freely without disturbing his children at night. “Whatever it is you ask of me… I can’t do it anymore. I’m looking after my kids now.”

“I’m not forcing you to do anything. And it doesn’t have to be today or this year or next year. I only want you to know that if you want to come back, we have a place for you. Always.” Minho smiled reassuringly as he reached close to pat his shoulders like he always would before Chanyeol went up on stage. “Plus, it’s not like you’re asked to perform again. My uncle is looking for a teacher, and I know you can teach. You’ve raised your kids, so you understand children’s temperament.”

Before Chanyeol could add anything else, Minho gave him a business card.

“My number is still the same, Chanyeol-ah… Even if you don’t play anymore, call us. We miss you.”

Chanyeol wasn’t sure how to answer. He wanted to say that they could still be friends, but who was going to look after Jongjongs? Back then there was the barrier, he couldn’t have gone anywhere without worrying after his kids, and he was a single parent, which made it even more worrying. Baekhyun then was also looking after Sehun as well, so he couldn’t have asked him for help like nowadays.

“We should meet, you know, for a meal or a drink. Just don’t be a stranger, okay?”

Chanyeol sighed with a smile. That was alright. Minho had done so much for him. He shouldn’t have just ghosted everyone then, but Chanyeol had to do what he had to, which was getting rid of everything related to music and focus on his twins. “I’m so sorry, Sunbae. I was in a bad place…”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m just glad you’re okay and well.”

“I promise I’ll call. Maybe, when… I’m free, we should gather around if you want.”

After a little more catching up, Minho pulled him in for a hug like he always did whenever Chanyeol came off stage, telling him that he was his favorite hoobae.

“My offer still stands, Chanyeol-ah. At least think about it, whether you decide to give teaching a go or play again. Call me.”

Only when Minho walked away, leaving Chanyeol in silence that it hit Chanyeol full force the past, the thrill of going up on stage, the grueling hours of spent practicing, the musicians, the friends he had lost, the music he had composed, the joy of it all… because as much as he hated the piano back then, it was still fun to play on stage, fun to enjoy his time with his friends, composing. That was something that had kept him together underneath the pressure of his parents. Maybe, he could learn to love the piano now with a clearer mind without his parents’ constant demand.

However, Chanyeol shook his head once more. It was too much at the moment. He would think about it later. For now, he had dinner with Junmyeon, and this attack of nostalgia was distracting him too much. Later. _Later_. For now, Junmyeon.

“Good luck, Yeollie!” Baekhyun whispered as he passed Chanyeol hands now filled with Sehun, Jongdae, and Jongin on his way to his car.

Again, there was a strange intimacy Chanyeol didn’t expect after all the years he spent dating Jongsoo during their youth. The skittish high school crush feeling was there, of course. Chanyeol couldn’t really keep eye contact with the soldier at the moment, head still reeling from the kisses ghosting his skin. However, the fact that they were walking back together, getting on the same bus, sitting next to each other, heading home together, walking up the neighbor side by side, riding the same elevator... it was strange. Chanyeol remembered the excitement of minute closing in when he got to see Jongsoo as he rode his bike to pick her up. This time was different. They were next to each other, home.

“I guess… see you in an hour?” Chanyeol started as he stood before his door while Junmyeon stood before his.

“Yeah.” A simple nod.

“Do I knock on your door or do you knock on mine— You know what? Whoever got ready first— I’m sorry, I’m rambling.” Chanyeol was thinking about it way too much. They had to change from the sweaty stage clothes and get ready for dinner.

“I’ll knock on your door,” Junmyeon offered.

It was difficult to think when the neighbor was so dashing in his rosy pink button up. It was too much, seeing Junmyeon in colors. Well, the black worked on Junmyeon, too. It was just that this was a nice change. Too nice of a change. And Chanyeol was going to see even more change in an hour when Junmyeon dressed up for their dinner, oh, dear—

“Okay. See you.”

No more stalling. Chanyeol just had to stop and rushed into his apartment, going to the bathroom immediately, rubbing away all the sweat, and getting all fresh. Oh, this feeling. Chanyeol _remembered._ This was so … Chanyeol felt young again. Getting all frozen up, panicking through the shower, styling and restyling his hair, picking his own outfit even though Baekhyun had already picked one out for him and then only to grumble in defeat and wear Baekhyun’s chosen outfit for him in the end.

So now, Chanyeol was walking around in his apartment, in his black trousers and enormous white fleece sweatshirt with the small word 'PAㄹIS' in the middle. Chanyeol didn't understand why needed to buy such an enormous thing since it made him looked even more ridiculously bigger than he already was, but Baekhyun abused him into doing it because he said _everyone loved big and cute things_. Baekhyun also added that the round-rimmed Harry Potter glasses would really make him look younger, and parting his hair and lifting it uncover his godly enormous forehead was also a plus. And to complete the look was the new yellow Nike running shoes.

No, this was so crazy. He looked too much like a kpop idol. He wasn't! He couldn't be! He was a dignified single father and past respectable musician. Instead of 28, he felt like he was 20. Though he did like the fact that he seemed young, he was afraid that he might be too young for Junmyeon. The old soldier was entering his forties! He, on the other hand, looked like Justin Bieber out to get in trouble. No–

There was a knock.

That was an hour? Already?

And Chanyeol had to hold his breath when he saw Junmyeon.

The soldier was, of course, sporting the same hairdo from the performance, parted and lifted, and Chanyeol's eyes were wide noticing that they had the same hairdo going on. A simple grey long-sleeved shirt, typical Junmyeon. However, it was buttoned up to his collar, and he left the shirt untucked. _Untucked_. How was it that one simple thing changed the whole look? Black trousers, and white sneakers. _White sneakers!?_ How was it that an old retired 40-year-old soldier knew about fashion and–

Oh, dear...

Junmyeon looked like...

A kpop idol too, _oh thank god!_ Chanyeol finally breathed again. They matched. Thank the lord they matched. He was so afraid they were going to be so bad at this.

"Ready?" Junmyeon looked even younger just because he untucked his grey shirt and wore sneakers. Damn.

"Yeah."

And here was somewhat familiar, this territory. Getting to dinner together. But was it possible that this felt even more high school than when he was in high school? In the elevator standing next to each other in anxious silence, walking to the road, calling a taxi... There was a more frugal feeling to it. Back then, he had a bike, but now they only walked and took the taxi up to a point before Junmyeon decided that they should walk the rest of the way because it would be healing to breathe in some fresh air a little. And it was nice, walking past the picnic area where people would gather around the fresh grass and camp, but it was only 4 in the afternoon, so people were mostly sitting underneath the trees and their own tents not drinking or go full party mode yet. Somehow, it made Chanyeol's heart yearn, yearn for that kind of closeness. He had wanted to bring Jongjong to a picnic or night out in the park for a long time, but he could never go further than the park in the neighborhood, playing the same old games.

“I’ve always wanted to hang out with Jongjongs like this,” he could see the families gathering around, letting the kids play, preparing food and beverages, enjoying the fresh air near the river. “But I was always busy or too tired.” Despite the weekends, Chanyeol still had trouble maintaining the same stamina trying to keep up with the kids and go to work at the same time.

And it took a considerable amount of willpower to not be blinded by Junmyeon’s idol look.

“I’ve never been on a picnic before,” Junmyeon muttered, eyes scanning the area with a strange analytical sense.

“Never?” Chanyeol had at least done with before with friends back in high school and with his wife.

Maybe, thinking about his wife at the moment could be too much. Chanyeol thought he was going to be overwhelmed, but there wasn’t anything but good memories, and it somehow felt free to be able to look back without going through all the hurt.

On his left side, Junmyeon sighed, “Out of 15 years of service… I spent about 10 years, just sleeping, training, and doing paperwork. There is some sort of gathering within platoons, eating, and partying, but we didn’t have this kind of view.” Then, the soldier pointed towards some lady with her dog. “See, the German shepherd?” Chanyeol nodded. “I once had an assignment with one of the military dogs for about a year and a half. Sometimes, when he would stop listening to me and start chasing the other military dogs, I realized that with a job or not, he was still a puppy at heart.” Junmyeon smiled at the view from afar as if he was seeing his old canine partner on the field. “When I eat with the other soldiers and watch them play together… makes me realized how much I miss being a child.”

“Maybe… maybe, we could eat altogether sometimes?” It wasn’t a bad offer. Chanyeol was feeling a lot better, slightly less tired with Junmyeon around taking care of the twins, and … a good opportunity to— NO! No straying from the path! “I mean— if you want. Baekhyun can also join, too. I owed him a lot, helping to look after Jongjongs.”

“That would be really nice.”

Chanyeol looked down at Junmyeon who beamed up at him easily.

That was really going to be a problem. So deep. Chanyeol knew that there was no way out of it now.

By the time, they got to the restaurant, the sun was already setting. It was nice the walk. Chanyeol had the time to get the nerves out of his system before having food coming in to mess his brain up. Junmyeon seemed to notice his anxiousness as well, and the soldier simply asked him about his workplace. They kept talking until they took a seat in the ramen place.

Apparently, there weren’t many people, and it seemed homey, nothing fancy at all, which helped Chanyeol relax further. He didn’t have to eat a certain way. He could just eat comfortably. It felt more like a co-worker dinner than a date though there wasn’t anything wrong with that. Junmyeon asked him how it went with work and followed up with the performance.

“I got offered a deal,” Chanyeol started. He knew Junmyeon saw him talking to Minho, so he might as well tell him. There was no point in delaying it anyway. He wanted Junmyeon to know. “I… I’m not sure. I don’t think I still got it.”

“Then, you just practice,” Junmyeon blinked at him after he tasted his ramen soup. “I wasn’t any good being a soldier back then. They kept having me clean the toilet, scrub the floor, file the documents. I went through a lot of training to actually get on the field. I suppose it’s the same thing as you. Sorry, if I falsely assumed—”

“No.. No, it’s…” Junmyeon was right. It was easy. Just do it. Just get it done. However, something just didn’t sit right with Chanyeol. “It’s been four years. I think… my hands aren’t even in their best condition.” True. Chanyeol remembered times and times again he had injured his hands cooking, taking care of the twins. He let himself go, thinking that he would never come to music again. “I don’t think I’m good enough, hyung.”

“Chanyeol-ah… then, at least, trying teaching. You don’t have to be perfect like a performer anymore. You like kids. I see you taught Jongdae very well on how to sing,” Junmyeon held his gaze. “I know you want to go back to music, and you can go back. It doesn’t have to be the same as it once was. Maybe, just test it out a few months? See if you’re into it?”

Chanyeol thought about it. Really really thought about it. He still had some savings left. If he quit his job now and try something new, he could still keep the family afloat for another year and a half.

“I’ll be taking care of the twins, so you can just relax and explore,” Junmyeon said like it was so easy. And perhaps, it was. Chanyeol now understood that with Junmyeon around, he felt less worried about the twins’ well-being. He didn’t worry as much while he was at work, and he could focus on being a good employee.

‘“You know what? That’s a good point.” Chanyeol smiled then, shoulders less tensed, pausing the conversation to gulp down half of his ramen at which Junmyeon chuckled before continuing. “Yeah, I’ll try. I suppose. But practicing… I could—”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be there when you practice, too, if you want. You’re half-way there. I know it won’t be easy the rest of the way, but I’ll do what I can.” Junmyeon held back a giggle when Chanyeol actually choked on a piece of carrot. “I truly care for you and the twins, and you getting this opportunity would really help both yourself and the twins. I’ll support you all the way through.”

“Oh—oh, really? Thank you… but what about you? I feel I’m using you too much.” A blush of shame tainted his cheeks. It was nice to have Junmyeon looking after his family, but he felt like he wasn’t doing much to help him in return.

“Nothing like that at all, Chanyeol-ah.” Junmyeon just shook his head as he reached across the table for some tissue to wipe some stain of his lips. Chanyeol watched silently as he delicately cleaned himself. “I’m retired. And with me being so… restless most of the time. It’s not wise for me to do anything else that makes me more anxious. The meds could only do so much to numb … some things. And taking this job, looking after the twins is something that actually helps me overcome this.”

Chanyeol’s heart stuttered at Junmyeon’s eye smile.

“I don’t usually just meet people and be friends with them, seeing the kind of conditions I have. Most found it hard to get along and understand. But you and the twins… have been the best thing to ever happen in my life, and I feel like for once, I’m growing.”

Chanyeol wanted to say the same that Junmyeon was someone he could open up to. It felt so natural talking to Junmyeon. There wasn’t any burden or restlessness in his blood when he saw the soldier. Chanyeol, too, believed that Junmyeon was the best thing to ever happen in his life. However, he was too flustered at the confession, and Junmyeon looked too understanding with his expression, his features were too much. Chanyeol couldn’t say anything. Maybe, later.

“Oh, I see…”

And they finished their dinner in comfortable silence. It had been a long day. A lot of talking and a lot of decisions made. Chanyeol wanted a breather, and Junmyeon seemed to catch on.

The rest of the way home was peaceful, walking with Junmyeon. Sometimes, Chanyeol would see something that reminded him of the twins, and Junmyeon would do the same. There was this sense of togetherness with Junmyeon. It was as if they were in tune. It felt relieving. Like so much had been lifted off. A nice rest from all the work and the children.

It was late in the evening. They were back in front of their apartment building, waiting for Baekhyun to show up and drop off the twins. Chanyeol sat timidly beside the soldier on the wooden bench, watching the street lights instead of Junmyeon.

“Chanyeol-ah…” Junmyeon started, eyes gentle, hair slightly ruffled by the evening breeze, skin golden beneath the street light. Chanyeol could get to this Junmyeon, too, in his relaxed state with no worries, entranced by nature.

“Hyung?”

“I’m retired, but I haven’t gone through my own retirement ceremony yet,” said Junmyeon, hands starting to tremble. “My friend told me to bring someone with me. I first thought I don’t have anyone, but … is it alright if I invite your family?”

Chanyeol’s mouth must have dropped because Junmyeon’s nervousness was gone and was replaced by amusement.

“You don’t have to attend, of course.”

“No, we will.” There was no point in thinking. Chanyeol had to be there for Junmyeon. The man had done so much for him. “Just tell us the date, we’ll get ready. Even if it’s on weekdays, I’ll make it work. It’s important for you.”

“I see. Thank you.” It seemed like the soldier wanted to add more, but Junmyeon simply smiled up at Chanyeol before noticing Baekhyun dropping off the twins.

“Yah~~ now, that’s a family,” Baekhyun slapped his back as Junmyeon walked away with Jongin and Jongdae in both of his arms. Chanyeol stared shockingly at his best friend who dared make such a statement. “Ah… sorry, my bad. Good night, Yeollie~~”

Chanyeol laid awake on his couch that night, thinking about Baekhyun’s words. And definitely not the kisses or the fact he was kind of sad that he just let Junmyeon walk back into his apartment without a promise of another date- wait, no, _dinner_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really taking slowburn to the next level, don't i?


	11. Chapter 11

Junmyeon sagged against the door once he closed it, looking down at his grey button-up with relief.

It wasn’t his best moments, sniffing around Yixing’s closet when he wasn’t looking to get a sense of what thirty-year-old men’s fashion was. He tried his best to not look too old next to Chanyeol.

The soldier chuckled at himself, being all flustered and nervous. He hadn’t felt this kind of excitement in a long while.

That night, Junmyeon went to sleep with 2-hour intervals instead of 20-minute ones. Ever since he took Yixing’s advice to heart along with the regular intake of the proper medication, his anxiety had been lesser than ever. It was easier dealing with the noises and the sudden triggers. Not only that, the twins were more than just a pit stop. Chanyeol was more than just a pit stop.

“Ahjusshi! Kisses!”Jongdae jumped towards him while Chanyeol was giving Jongin kisses.

Sending the children with such ritual was quite endearing, and now that Junmyeon was sucked into this family’s tradition, he couldn’t escape. So he did what the little devil demanded, kisses on the cheeks and the forehead.

This was… safe. Junmyeon was safe. This sense of security hadn’t been around him since he first dipped himself into the skirmishes and the missions he had to get done. Babysitting the twins, going to Yixing, eating with Chanyeol, watching Chanyeol play… And the medication was working in tandem with his efforts as well. It had been the most peaceful his mind had ever been.

“Yay! Won’t you kiss Appa, too? Appa rarely get kisses.”

Luckily, Jongdae said it only loud enough for Chanyeol to hear and not the rest of the eommas and their children. And they were both frozen at that too of course. Maybe, giving Chanyeol kisses in front of them must have influenced such thoughts. Oh, children and their … logic.

“Come— Come on, Daedae, Nini! Your teacher is waiting!” Chanyeol quickly ushered the twins onto the bus before Junmyeon could say anything.

As Junmyeon watched Chanyeol bashfully dragging his twins away to the bus, he could hear a distant siren suddenly blaring closer and closer before he noticed a speeding truck coming right at the school bus. Junmyeon wanted to scream, but he couldn’t. Junmyeon wanted to run for Chanyeol and the twins, but he couldn’t.

2:39 am.

With shaking legs, he walked towards the bathroom, dunking himself into the already filled bathtub and soaking himself in the cold water, forcing his mind to wash away the bloodied and mangled images of his dream.

He looked around the room to turn back at the bathtub’s faucet and turned it on, keeping his eyes on the clear water coming out of the faucet and hugging his legs in the confined space.

He didn’t remember what day it was at this point. He wasn’t sure if Chanyeol and the twins were okay. Part of him wanted to leave and bang on Chanyeol’s door, but Junmyeon bit at his own knuckles, keeping his whimpers to himself, trying to recall Yixing’s words. In doing so, his hands got a hold of the bathtub instead. He couldn’t, in any way, hurt himself.

As he rocked himself in the cold water, Junmyeon forced his eyes open, watching the running water, disregarding the faint image of blood burned into his corneas. 

He couldn’t help his curiosity for long before stepping out of the water and drenched his way towards his phone.

Sunday.

It was Sunday early morning.

Junmyeon turned to look around the room and found his grey button-up neatly placed in the washing basket by the bathroom door.

The soldier soon found himself on the floor shivering from his soaked clothes, staring longingly at the front door, wanting so badly to call out to Chanyeol, but… no.

Clenching his own hands into fists, he forced himself to breathe evenly, ignoring the thundering beating of his heart blending with the incoming alarm siren blaring in his ears.

For the rest of the night, he stayed in bed, hugging himself between the stuffed animals that the twins gifted him, blinking away his tears only when it was too painful to keep his eyes open, staring blankly at the taunting clock on the wall.

The colors of the room could not clean away the crimson in his vision. The ticking of the clock could not drown out the distant whimpers of pain in his mind.

8:45 am.

Junmyeon heard the click of Chanyeol’s door from all the way here.

His legs were cramped from not moving for so long, but he limped to his door either way and met the bewildered eyes of the gentle neighbour.

“Oh—Oh! Junmyeon-hyung… good morning,” Chanyeol bit back a shy smile, and Junmyeon was then startled at Jongdae hugging his leg.

Looking down at the bright-eyed child, Junmyeon was enamoured. His skin was soon feeling the little fingers wrapping playfully around his shin. The soldier exhaled with a smile and lowered himself to Jongdae’s level, ruffling the soft curly hair of the bubbly twin giggling sunnily.

“Jongdae, morning… little dae… did you sleep well?” Junmyeon couldn’t help himself, taking hold of Jongdae’s arms, legs, waist, head. He looked the child up and down, his heart no longer clouding in pain. It must have shown because Jongdae’s fingers soon gently traced his eyelashes.

“Ahjusshi’s eyes are very bright today,” the soldier blinked underneath his touch. “You’re really handsome, ahjusshi.”

Junmyeon bit down on his own whimper, trying not to choke on air and let any more tears fall. “Thank you, Jongdae-ah. You’re very handsome, too. Not just today,” Junmyeon smiled his best smile and poked light at Jongdae’s waist. “—but especially today.”

“Appa is going to big town, today! Must be extra handsome!” Jongdae tried to wink but ended up blinking both his eyes, drawing a peal of relieved laughter out of the tired soldier.

“Really?” Junmyeon held his breath each sentence after breathing in, trying to hide the shakiness in his voice. He looked up at the tall and very much dressed-up neighbour. He just realised Chanyeol was in a dashing suit with his hair styled up. The soldier picked up Jongdae to his right side and stood back up, looking at Chanyeol from head to toe. An itch to touch and feel, to make sure crossed his mind, but Junmyeon took another deep breath in.

“Well, I was thinking a lot about you— I mean, what we talked about yesterday.” Chanyeol sucked in his lips before smiling his way throughout the sentence. “I thought I should just go to Minho right away while I still have the drive to. I thought I should listen to you.”

“Ah… the new job?” Chanyeol nodded just a little too hard that it almost made Junmyeon cry, but the soldier bit lips with a smile instead. “And you’re leaving now? Where’s Jongin?”

Of course, Junmyeon still hadn’t seen the little twin, and his heart was slowly starting to get pricked with needles again when a familiar mob of hair poking out from between Chanyeol’s legs.

“Right here!”

Junmyeon thought he was chuckling with Chanyeol, thought he could hear where Chanyeol was going, but the soldier felt static interfered from time to time.

“Can… Can I go with you?” a plead. Junmyeon’s eyes were dead set on Chanyeol’s sparkling ones. So bright and handsome with lenses. Too good to be true, but Junmyeon didn’t say anything, merely waiting for his answers.

“Oh… well…”

“Appa, please let him come with us…” Jongin pouted from below while Jongdae happily hugged Junmyeon’s side.

“You’re going to take quite a while. You need a lot of deciding to do. I just want to keep the twins occupied just in case.” Junmyeon knew this was weird, knew that this was too much, knew that he was intruding, but he couldn’t take his eyes from them for a second. He had to make sure.

The rest of the way to the train station, Junmyeon’s lips were on autopilot. The soldier didn’t know what exactly he was saying, but his eyes and his mind were alert, looking around, scouting around.

Even when they were at the train station’s platform, Junmyeon stood deadpan in front of Chanyeol and the twins, eyes glaring at the train slowing to a stop. He scrutinized each passenger walking out of the train with some carelessly bumping into his shoulders. Junmyeon didn’t know he was glaring until Chanyeol whispered softly from behind.

“Hyung?”

Junmyeon merely turned his head when another person rushed past him and hit his side again, but the soldier stood firm and absorbed all the impact so that Chanyeol behind him wouldn’t get hit.

“Let’s get on,” Junmyeon led the way once deemed safe to enter without people rushing out.

On the train, the twins watched the scenery through the window. With Jongdae beside him, Junmyeon observed the twins’ awed expressions.

Junmyeon could feel Chanyeol’s eyes on him.

They were in their quiet four-seat area, where Junmyeon could finally rest his eyes.

When he opened his eyes once more, Chanyeol was next to him, lending his side with Junmyeon’s head resting comfortably on Chanyeol’s shoulder. And the soldier eyed his neighbour up from this vulnerable angle before catching the twins holding each other’s arms on the seats before them.

“I’m sorry,” Junmyeon muttered softly, his hair probably tickled at Chanyeol’s neck, seeing how the taller slightly shuddered.

“It’s alright. It’s a long ride. You can rest.”

“How long was I…”

“Five minutes,” Junmyeon felt Chanyeol’s fingers pressing on his nape when he tried to lift his head from Chanyeol’s shoulder. “We’re not arriving until 45 more minutes. Rest some more.”

It was the contact that left him both shivering and comforted. Shivering at the rough fingers on his bare skin, comforted by the weight that was seemingly lifted off his head. So Junmyeon could no longer think straight, still groggy from the nap and fell into exhaustion which finally consumed him, leaning further into Chanyeol’s side, feeling the coolness of Chanyeol’s suit fabric against his cheek, losing himself in the tenderness of his helping shoulder.

This time, before Junmyeon opened his eyes, he felt certainly Chanyeol nosing at his hair. It was nice, opening his eyes to brighter colours and spotting certain blushes on Chanyeol’s cheeks when he was caught in the act.

His voice wasn’t shaking anymore. His mind wasn’t as loud anymore.

The weather was nice, too. The sun felt nice on his rested eyes. The wind blew softly at his clothes.

Chanyeol looked adorable bumping into low hanging tree branches and trying to fix his hair.

Jongdae contentedly pressing kisses at Junmyeon’s full cheek.

Jongin firmly holding on Junmyeon’s rough fingers leading him down the sidewalk.

It was different this time when he was close to tearing up.

Chanyeol walked with confidence, eyes scanning young teens walking around the hallway of this university, sneaking peeks into different rooms, eyes lighting up at the students practicing their instruments on the weekends with their friends.

The twins excitedly run around and pulling at both Junmyeon’s sides.

While Chanyeol left to talk with his old peers, Junmyeon brought the twins outside to where some students were performing carefree on the university’s ground, sitting, playing, and singing lively on the grass.

Every second now that the twins were snuggling up at his sides, Junmyeon reminded himself that this was reality. To him, it would always be difficult, but it didn’t always have to end in him burning out all the time. This would be the rest of his life, but it wasn’t that bad. He should try.

And seeing Chanyeol seemingly skipping steps down the large concrete stairs from the building before him with a full smile on his face, Junmyeon’s heart also skipped a beat.

Watching Chanyeol falling in love with his music again made Junmyeon fall just as hard.

“I thought I could try teaching Instrumental Music. I have a bachelor’s degree in that. I’ve won a couple of competitions… not to brag…” failing to properly wink, Chanyeol ignored Junmyeon hysterical laughs, of course. “And if I keep coming back to practice piano here, I’ll still be considered as _‘active in the performance of piano’_. But I’m still thinking about it. God, am I going to back to quick? I mean, Minho gave me two more weeks to _really_ think about it but—”

Chanyeol was then reduced to squeals as his twins tackled him into the grass, ruining his suit.

Seeing how determined Chanyeol became after merely touring the university, how he reignited his passion, making Junmyeon just as inspired to get better.

If he had to deal with this pain for the rest of his life, then it should be dealt with _his_ way. 

“Since we’re in the city… how about we go to eat lunch and watch a movie?” Junmyeon decided that this was the best time, forcing away his nerves and focused on Chanyeol. “I mean it’s been a long ride and a long day you left us crawling in the dirt.”

Every second Junmyeon was endeared, the red in Chanyeol’s big ears flared up and before he could answer, the twins agreed wholeheartedly and loudly for passersby to notice.

So the soldier stood up before the three, his hand held in front of the father’s face.

“Let’s go, Chanyeol-ah.”

Once Chanyeol’s hand held firmly in his, Junmyeon felt another step in his life was taken. The soldier pulled his neighbor up and effortlessly before Chanyeol bumped into his chest, muttering half-hearted apologies and smiling throughout it all.

Despite the rough start, this day had been eventful. Walking with Chanyeol by his side with the twins bossing them around was more than enough to keep his worries at bay. Junmyeon smiled, knowing it would come again, knowing he was scared, but he couldn’t give up now.

Once their day came to an end, the twins quickly fell into slumber on their way out of the movie theater while the adults walked to the train station.

Jongdae was snoring softly into Junmyeon’s neck while Jongin tried his best to stay awake in his father’s arm, which proved to be futile.

“Thank you so much for coming with us,” Chanyeol sighed once Jongin was finally defeated by his slumber, drooling mindlessly into his suit. “It’s a nice… it’s nice hanging out with Jongin and Jongdae like this. It’s been a really long time since we’ve properly had a family outing.”

Junmyeon’s heart was somewhat tugged at the mention of family, wondering if Chanyeol meant something more. “I… I think it would be nice if you had company since handling the twins is quite a feat on its own,” it was automatically in response when a leaf managed to land on Chanyeol’s head, and Junmyeon simply reached out to pick it for him. “And you had to talk to your old friends, of course.”

“Yeah, the thing is… I— part of me really wants to do it, but… it’s quite far from home.” Junmyeon could feel the loudness of Chanyeol’s mind as the tall neighbor looked forth. “I don’t … know what to do exactly.”

Junmyeon knew what Chanyeol couldn’t say. And it was okay. Junmyeon had never been greedy. He knew that life must move on.

“How about trying it out for a bit? See if you could handle it? I’m certain that the pay would be enough to cover everything.”

Chanyeol opened his mouth but closed it the next second. “It is really good pay.”

Again, Junmyeon could hear what Chanyeol couldn’t say, but the soldier didn’t pry. The two of them simply enjoyed each other’s company the rest of the way, letting the twins’ soft snores lighten up their hearts.

As they sat comfortably in their seats, Junmyeon watched Chanyeol staring wistfully out the glass window as the train zoomed past buildings. The evening was growing darker, and Junmyeon thought about how long the economy train would take as opposed to this express train.

The soldier could see the future in Chanyeol’s eyes, crinkling with excitement and worry.

Junmyeon knew Chanyeol was going to love this new job. He could see it as clear as day. It had never been too complicated to read Chanyeol at all really. He knew Chanyeol was going to take the job regardless of his worries because the pay was exponentially higher than being a bookstore clerk in the outskirt of the city. He knew that the long train rides would become exhausting. And if all else failed in pushing Chanyeol to take the job, the twins would be enough to convince Chanyeol.

It had been almost a year this arrangement they had. And Junmyeon could feel Jongin and Jongdae grew in his arms. The weight, the height along with the mind.

That small apartment could only sustain a single father and two small children for so long before those two small children grew up.

And after taking care of the twins and helping out the father this far, Junmyeon knew it was his calling to support the family no matter what happened. Whatever direction Chanyeol must go to keep his family afloat, Junmyeon must push him towards that. After all, Baekhyun made it quite clear how Chanyeol had been stuck in the same place for years, so now that Chanyeol was willing to start taking baby steps to move forward again, Junmyeon knew he should be there and help him through it just as Chanyeol had helped him through his problems, pushing him to get better, and being a part of the remedy in healing him.

The weeks went by, and Junmyeon got into exercising more than ever. While the twins were still in school, the soldier went out, took the bus, and ran in different places every day. Junmyeon was still awkward around other people, but he forced himself to step in and help whoever was in trouble, trying his luck on talking to people.

“Um… your wallet.” The soldier didn’t know exactly where to look, but he held out the wallet he picked up nearby as the young teen looked up at him with a gasp.

“Omo! Thank you so much, ahjusshi!” as the young man aggressively bowed at him and took his wallet with both hands, he mumbled in relief about not dying from his mother’s death stick.

Junmyeon watched from afar the tteokbokki stand, drinking his water silently while he rested on the park bench. A couple holding each other’s hands and sharing their rice cakes when the man leaned to kiss the woman right after she took a bite.

He got out of the military at the end of spring, met Chanyeol in the first days of summer, and now it was nearing the end of autumn. The golden and red leaves falling by his side, keeping his mind afloat with its rhythm of the falling leaves.

A text message woke him from his trance.

**I’m sorry, hyung. I’m going to be late today. Get the kids to bed if I can’t make it for dinner.**

Junmyeon smiled.

It had been a rocky start for both him and Chanyeol. While he spent his days working out and controlling his senses, Chanyeol had left his previous job and was now working diligently with his peers once more. Soon, he would be a professor. It sounded nice right off the tongue. It fit the man as well. The suit looked nice on Chanyeol. It was a different feeling when he knew those button-ups were of a professor’s rather than a book clerk’s.

There was an unspoken flow to their routine. Junmyeon now worked extra hours to keep up with Chanyeol’s newer work hours, reassuring Chanyeol that he wouldn’t need extra pay. It was the long train rides that kept Chanyeol away so long in the evenings. Sometimes, Chanyeol would take the express train back when he was to see his twins less and less.

And the days that Chanyeol was late, Junmyeon would always stay over at his apartment, knowing that Chanyeol wouldn’t be able to get up early and have a good sleep at the same time, cooking breakfast for the twins and the hard-working father. At this point, Junmyeon was living in Chanyeol’s apartment more than his own.

Chanyeol appeared to have a problem with the ways things were at the moment, but he hadn’t made any efforts to stop Junmyeon, so the soldier assumed the father was simply enjoying his company regardless.

Junmyeon was reheating dinner when the front door opened to reveal a subdued Chanyeol, smiling tiredly back at Junmyeon.

“The kids are sleeping. Go shower. I’m almost done reheating dinner,” Junmyeon knew Chanyeol wanted to tell him to go home, but Junmyeon felt comfortable this way, knowing that Chanyeol was just as comfortable.

It was a silent push. Chanyeol was growing tired and tired every day, but the pay was better, enough to spend more. Soon, Chanyeol had to do something, but for now, the father pushed himself, and Junmyeon simply stood by helping.

“So your retirement is getting close,” Chanyeol was still drying his hair once he got out of the bathroom, kneading his own head softly. It was always a wonder seeing Chanyeol in his big cozy sweaters now that Junmyeon got to compare with his more professional look, losing his contact lens and wearing the round glasses at home.

“Hmm… My friend agreed to pick us up,” Junmyeon placed the food on the table and nodded gently when Chanyeol whispered a thank you for the food. “It’s nothing special really. I’m not a high ranking officer, and retiring early doesn’t really merit a huge certificate.”

“Fifteen years is still something, hyung. Don’t put yourself down like that,” Chanyeol pouted through munching his food, and Junmyeon thought his cheeks looked cute enough to poke. “Should we be doing something right after? You know? I want to do something for you.”

The soldier sighed, tilting his head in adoration, leaning back against the kitchen counter for a while before taking a seat across the table from Chanyeol. “Maybe, we could go on that picnic. It would be really nice for Jongin and Jongdae to run around.”

“Oh? Yeah?”

Junmyeon should be telling Chanyeol not to talk while eating, but Chanyeol was too keen on the idea at the moment, eyes wide and mouth furiously chewing at the prospect.

“Of course. Should we call Baekhyun over as well? Or do you want it to be just us?”

That certainly called for loud swallowing from Chanyeol blinking rapidly at his question. It was a fair question. Chanyeol did suggest it the first time.

“Uh— um— I think I’ll call Baekhyun over,” Chanyeol kept his eyes on the food. It wasn’t the first time the four of them spent time together, but hearing Junmyeon saying it so blatantly that way must have flustered the father greatly.

“Tell him to bring soju over,” Junmyeon had been thinking about Baekhyun and Chanyeol for a while really. “You two should really spend some time together more. Have fun a bit.”

“Oh… what about you?”

“I shouldn’t be drinking since I’m on medication. Plus, I’ll be bringing you and the twins back home, remember?” Junmyeon knew that he outdid himself in bothering Chanyeol’s thoughts this time.

“But it’s your retirement…”

“And that’s what I want for my retirement. It’s okay. It’s been a while you and Baekhyun got together. How long has it been since you’ve really let loose? I’d really appreciate it if you two have fun,” Junmyeon wouldn’t say it out loud, but the soldier was really looking forward to dealing with drunk Chanyeol.

“Jongin and Jongdae would definitely not appreciate it though.”

“Well, but you’re stuck with them, and I’m stuck with you for that day, so you can’t really _not_ bring them.”

That night Junmyeon got to sleep peacefully with the image of Chanyeol constantly choking on his food and Jongdae smacking Jongin in his sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize for the long silence. i've throwing my brain around trying to come up with what to do next and i got cockblocked by so many things. now that i've come back to my senses, i shall be updating again. know that i'm not giving up on this story. i'm just having a hard coming up with ideas, and i'm sorry ;-;


	12. Chapter 12

While Jongin watched his brother did his homework, Junmyeon straightened out his back and continued on washing the dishes. Sometimes, staying over their own place was boring, the twins would ask Junmyeon to go over to his apartment instead.

Keeping an eye out for the twins, Junmyeon noticed Jongin jumping around to grab the corgi plushie, Kiyomi, and held on to him as he plopped himself over Jongdae who was lying down on his stomach, trying to practice his writings.

“Oh, nini, throw away these pencil wood for me, hmm?” Jongdae chirped from below, and it caught Junmyeon’s attention when Jongin nodded eagerly and scooping up the wood that Jongdae had sharpened from the pencil, walking over to the trash can.

“Wait— I’ll get that,” his heart jumped at the realization. Junmyeon quickly shook his hand of dish soap as much as he could and dried over his black t-shirt while he sped up to Jongin’s questioning face.

“Ahjusshi?” Jongin cutely asked when Junmyeon simply took the shed wood and shooed him back to Jongdae.

**_Fuck._ **

Junmyeon picked up the trash can and walked back to the kitchen where the twins wouldn’t see him.

The soldier dumped his handful of shed wood into the trash can in the kitchen instead before he opened up the front door’s trash can to find his gun still sitting in there.

And Junmyeon thought he was going to hurt something, but he bit back the urge, taking the gun out and went out of his way to the bathroom and put the gun encased in a plastic bag in the bottom of the toilet tank for now.

For a while, Junmyeon just sat on the toilet seat, trying not to flip a switch in his gut and hurt something.

Sweats were forming on his back, but reminding himself that the twins were still in the same room somewhat distracted him.

Soon, though he was still irked at himself, the soldier was back and checking on the twins again.

Only then did Junmyeon came to grasp the weight of what had happened. Maybe, Junmyeon didn’t need that cold steel and the long barrel to hold on to and stare at for comfort anymore. And even if he still clung on to it, Junmyeon knew he had to get rid of it.

So when Junmyeon dropped by Yixing and picked up his uniform, the soldier asked the doctor for a personal favor, asking him to take it away from him. Yixing, on the other hand, merely chuckled at the sight and patted his back, telling him he’d done very well on his part to give that up.

Because Yixing would know how Junmyeon dealt with it before. Junmyeon had never really fired the shot or pressed the blade of the knife into his own skin just to feel something, but there had been too many close calls that Junmyeon couldn’t stop himself from. Usually, it was simply Junmyeon physical hurting himself with his own hands instead of using other instruments.

Thinking back about it made the soldier shivered in fear. Somewhere inside him would probably miss that kind of comfort, but Junmyeon tried to will it away. If he couldn’t stop it, he could at least try and change the way he had to deal with it.

“Hyung?” Chanyeol found himself dead on the couch the moment he made the mistake to sit down for a breather.

Junmyeon was busy heating up dinner again and realized too late that Chanyeol had already forgone dinner, drooling in his white dress shirt and tailored slacks he had yet to take off.

The soldier had the urge to help the father undress, but he cleared his throat and shook his head. Junmyeon would settle on taking off the dress shoes and that was that.

Chanyeol was hitting his limits now, and it was only a matter of time before he made another step in his life, so Junmyeon was draping a blanket over the sleeping father and watched the crinkles on his forehead that were never there before he met Chanyeol showing. The fingers that were soft before were chaffed yet limber, and Junmyeon made the effort to bring Chanyeol’s hands from cramping below his own weight and placed them on top of Chanyeol’s chest.

He would need those hands playing in the morning.

And just like that, Junmyeon got lost watching Chanyeol and stayed the night by the father’s side.

Only when morning came did Junmyeon realized that he had been resting his tired head upon Chanyeol’s chest as he sat on the floor, body leaning on the couch.

The soldier stretched himself, looked away from Chanyeol’s sleeping figure, and got up to check the twins. That was not appropriate at all, but Junmyeon hoped the father didn’t notice. However, he decided that he would just stay the morning as well, getting himself ready to make breakfast and set things up for the twins.

Maybe, this constant in this changing life was what Junmyeon needed, taking care of someone. Junmyeon also knew that soon he wouldn’t be close to Chanyeol anymore. He would have to be ready when he no longer had Chanyeol and must steady himself again. And maybe, after Chanyeol was done finding himself, and Junmyeon finally got a hold of keeping himself afloat, maybe then, they could meet again.

But for now, Junmyeon focused on cooking that perfect omelette, trying not to notice Chanyeol's fresh body going in and out of the bathroom.

“Oh, hyung? You don’t have to…”

But Chanyeol was smiling ear to ear in a new dress shirt and was already fiddling with his own tie. Junmyeon thought it was particularly annoying that Chanyeol took that long to a tie.

“Let me.” It was the sweat burning on his back, and Junmyeon had to tie the tie for him, or the soldier might hit something. So Junmyeon breathed slow and smiled calmly but mostly to calm himself and reached out to Chanyeol struggling hands.

As Junmyeon took his time tying the knot on his tie, the soldier could feel Chanyeol’s breaths brushing his hair, and that was enough to make him focus again. He silently told himself didn’t need to hit anything or himself, and all he had to do was simply pay attention to how the fabric felt between his fingers, how Chanyeol was blushing underneath his attention, how their bodies were this close and warm.

And just like that, Junmyeon thought it had passed. The shivers down his spine seeped away into the cold hard floor, and he had the mind to dust off Chanyeol’s dress shirt and smooth out the material, taking that chance to feel the bare muscles heat up underneath the fabric.

With just that one stroke, Junmyeon suddenly felt the need to want more, pressing his palm against the father’s shoulders just a little harder, wanting to cling on just a little longer for his own sanity to stay where he was supposed to.

“You’re tired, Chanyeol-ah.” Junmyeon tried to look the father in his wavering eyes. This close, Junmyeon thought Chanyeol was handsome, looked handsome, felt handsome. “All I can at least do is cook for you.”

“Oh… um… I suppose I should thank you instead of being an ass about it,” Chanyeol whispered, his neck craned downward, unconsciously leaning closer, and the soldier found himself tracing up his shoulder to his nape. This time, Junmyeon figured the half-lidded eyes weren’t of tiredness.

The soft hair on Chanyeol’s nape Junmyeon was threading through when there was a yawn from below.

“Ahjusshi, hugs.” Jongin was still rubbing his eyes when he mumbled his way to Junmyeon, and the soldier chuckled at the sleepy figure, leaning down to Jongin and offered him the hug he needed.

Of course, Chanyeol was now speeding to the twin’s room where their closet was. Suddenly, Junmyeon was aware of how warm he was before Chanyeol left the room.

Even as Junmyeon was running in the park to pass the time, the soldier remembered the nimble flesh beneath his fingers, and maybe, this time that wasn’t such a bad thought. He wondered if Chanyeol would tell him what to do or follow his lead.

Junmyeon had thought it was simply a passing thought because although he had moments of seeing Chanyeol in a different light, it had always been a little lighter and softer. However, as Junmyeon took his mind away from his troubles, taking away all the violent thoughts, the soldier slowly understood that he could not simply take away those thoughts without repercussions.

Because though he was no longer violent in harm, the focus shifted to something else, and Junmyeon knew Chanyeol being a little too close must have gotten caught with his mind that was still making sense of the world without cold steel roughly beating against for comfort.

When it came to the twins, Junmyeon found it easy to navigate. There was nothing confusing about handling children for Junmyeon, picking them up, holding them close, protecting them. And the soldier was glad there wasn’t a single thought that strayed from that path.

Chanyeol, however, for Junmyeon, it became a whirlwind of thoughts. And Junmyeon wasn’t exactly trusting himself to act upon them either.

It was evening when Chanyeol came home early for the day. The father happily joined his twins watching the TV without even taking off his work clothes, and it stirred Junmyeon the wrong way.

“Chanyeol-ah, go shower first,” even Chanyeol could notice something in his voice and quickly nodded disappearing into the bedroom. Junmyeon wouldn’t want to hurt Chanyeol, of course, but there was something else there that he didn’t intend to voice out.

The soldier realized too late that he came off a bit too menacing.

Junmyeon shook his head and waited for Chanyeol come back out again so that he could try to perhaps lighten up the mood, but when Chanyeol brought back his worn work clothes in his hands, standing there throwing the dirty laundry into the bin outside the bathroom in his tank top, the soldier watched in silence instead because he had never seen Chanyeol in that little clothing before. Of course, he remembered the times they had spent in the bath with the twins, but Junmyeon hadn’t been noticing much really, focusing more on cleaning up Jongin more than anything, trying not to hurt the kid.

This time, Junmyeon quietly stared at Chanyeol slumping over the bathroom sink looking at himself in the mirror. From this angle in the kitchen, Junmyeon could still see a reflection of himself this far, and when Chanyeol caught his eyes staring, Junmyeon didn’t bother looking away.

Junmyeon thought the shine on Chanyeol’s bare arms in the white tank top underneath the bathroom’s light was fascinating as his mind supplied.

At times like this that Junmyeon found himself unable to look away. Chanyeol slowly leaned back, his palms no longer pressing on the bathroom sink for support, standing up in full height, eyes still on Junmyeon’s this far. The soldier wondered how well those muscles could flex if they were moving a lot more.

“Ahjusshi, is dinner ready?” Jongdae called out from the living room, but Junmyeon thought Jongdae didn’t need his eyes for the answer.

With a final once over Chanyeol’s back muscles, Junmyeon looked at Chanyeol through the mirror, answering, “Dinner’s not ready yet.”

So the soldier turned back to watch the pan, so the food wouldn’t burn. Junmyeon finally heard the bathroom door closed, and once more, that heavy feeling was lifted from his chest.

When Junmyeon thought he was serene again, the father came back in his new oversized black hoodie, and Junmyeon would know because Chanyeol rarely wore black. The few droplets dripping from the strands of hair Junmyeon was staring at, they flowed downward from Chanyeol’s cheeks down to the expanse of his neck, and Junmyeon took a breath, trying to calm his nerves, feeling a strange need to wipe that off.

Luckily, Chanyeol did wipe it off, hands still ruffling his towel against his hair. The father looked soft right out of the shower, cheeks bubbly and smiling at the food on the table.

It was hot and cold, this feeling. Times Junmyeon was sure he was irritated by the littlest things Chanyeol did, but that irritation was different from previous triggers. And Junmyeon had to make sure.

And that was somehow the answer when Chanyeol dropped his whole weight onto the couch as he sat, his hair bounced, his neck strained upward, his head leaning back against the couch’s backrest. Something jolted in his blood when the protruding Adam’s apple bobbed along his throat as Chanyeol swallowed. Junmyeon wanted to stop that from happening somehow, wanting to keep Chanyeol still.

“Finally, tomorrow’s is a party for you and me and Baekhyun,” instead of lifting his head up from the headrest, Chanyeol simply turned to Junmyeon in his pliant state.

Junmyeon, on the other hand, tried to figure out whether he wanted to tell Chanyeol to stop that because he was hurting himself or he was moving too lazily. Either way, it was getting infuriating for the soldier to think straight.

“Don’t worry about Baekhyun. I told him to go to the park first and set everything up.” Chanyeol sat back up, elbows on his thighs, head turning toward Junmyeon now.

The soldier was rolling up his long t-shirt sleeves at this first point. Junmyeon rarely made the effort to do so, but some things were in the way, and the soldier felt like ridding it from his mind.

“You have a friend picking us up. Yixing, right?” Only then when Chanyeol finally noticed Junmyeon being too quiet that the father made his way to the kitchen again. “Hyung, are you alright?”

Of course, Chanyeol would think Junmyeon was spiralling down into an episode, but being close to the soldier this way only made it worse for the father because Junmyeon caught the wrist that was coming closer to him firmly. Chanyeol only wanted to make sure he was okay.

It shocked the father, and Junmyeon could feel the shivers on his skin. There was a split second Junmyeon wanted to roughly push Chanyeol against the fridge but also pull him back to press him down on the kitchen table, but the soldier breathed slowed and let go.

“I’m… alright,” Junmyeon kept his eyes on the red in Chanyeol’s wrist before looking up to the tall father that was now watching him raptly for any signs of discomfort. This worried and lost look on Chanyeol’s face only tugged harder at his fingers itching to grab on to more.

“Are you sure? You’re breathing really hard right now.”

And it finally dawned on Junmyeon that he _was_.

“It’s okay, hyung. Just focus on me,” Chanyeol offered, getting closer instead of walking away.

And that was terrible move because Junmyeon found himself unable to stop his right hand reaching out, his thumb digging into Chanyeol’s jugular, his fingers wrapping around Chanyeol’s nape. The soldier could feel so much blood pumping in Chanyeol beneath his fingers.

It was only a moment, but then Junmyeon was aware again, hearing Chanyeol cursing softly with ragged breath, throat bobbing beneath his fingers.

“Fuck—”

“Chanyeol, I’m— I’m sorry,” Junmyeon stepped back, his arms quickly drawn back, noticing the scared look on the father’s face. “I’m—”

“Junmyeon, it’s okay. I’m okay. Don’t— just listen to me, Junmyeon,” Chanyeol’s hand was soothing his own throat, but his voice was soft and pleading. This time, Chanyeol didn’t move and stayed still. “Junmyeon— just breathe. Hyung, just breathe.”

Junmyeon tried. Junmyeon watched Chanyeol closely as the father breathed through his nose calmly, so the soldier followed.

Soon, Junmyeon was limp in the kitchen chair, hands ruffling at his own hair.

“Hyung— don’t worry—”

“Chanyeol, that was too much. I hurt you.” Junmyeon grunted, looking at his own fingers, suddenly there was an urge to just tear each one off, so he wouldn’t lay a hand on Chanyeol again.

“Hyung, please. Please listen to me,” Chanyeol stayed where he was, sitting down across the table, hands slowly slid across the table, palms out. “Please hold me, hold my hands.”

Junmyeon forced himself to move to Chanyeol’s word. Their fingers intertwined, and Junmyeon was enamoured. Chanyeol’s thumbs petted gently upon the back of his hands. Feeling the weight of Chanyeol’s hands like this did bring Junmyeon back. The warmth helped to snap him out of it.

“It’s fine. I’m fine. I’m the one who fucked up. I should’ve stayed away.” Chanyeol’s voice was only a whisper, and Junmyeon could feel the roughness in Chanyeol’s fingers, the size of his hands holding his.

“I should’ve stayed away.”

“No, I don’t mean it like that, hyung. Just breathe. We’re okay. I’m okay. You’re okay.”

Chanyeol placed a glass of water before him.

It took a while, but Junmyeon was truly thinking straight again.

“That was bad on my part,” Chanyeol sat beside him on the couch this time. “I shouldn’t have gotten close.”

“I didn’t know. I’ve never… I’ve never acted out on someone before. That was weird. I couldn’t help it. I’m sorry,” that was the only way Junmyeon could explain it. He was used to dealing with it alone and violently with his gun and knives. Having it away from that long must have snapped something in him.

“It’s fine. You were still listening to me, so I think that’s good. You’re just stopping all of a sudden. Of course, it comes back hard at you like that.” Chanyeol’s hand was now rubbing on his back, and Junmyeon found himself leaning back slightly into the touch. “Plus… it didn’t feel too bad.”

Junmyeon blinked.

“I mean— you weren’t as rough as you thought you were.” Chanyeol cleared his throat, fingers now rubbing at his own neck once more. “It was just … a light press.”

“But it was the thinnest part of your…” Junmyeon sighed, taking away Chanyeol’s hands, and feeling up Chanyeol’s neck himself, trying to soothe it away. Chanyeol’s long neck was flaring red, and Junmyeon’s heart ached, knowing he hurt him. “I could’ve—”

“Don’t say it. Believe me. Please believe me. It really wasn’t as bad as you thought it was. Okay, don’t freak out. Just let me show you,” Chanyeol was growing frustrated as he leaned in close to hold Junmyeon by the neck, pressing his fingers and thumb the same Junmyeon had done to him.

Junmyeon could his heart beating in his throat against Chanyeol’s long rough fingers.

He was right. It felt surprisingly gentle.

“But you were…” Junmyeon was sure Chanyeol was scared.

“No… I fucked up. I said— I mean, it’s not every day a man just holds you gently by the neck like that. I was surprised.”

When Chanyeol mumbled that he couldn’t believe he just said that out loud, all the tension in Junmyeon’s muscles bled away, only chuckles remained.

With Chanyeol holding him like this, Junmyeon believed him. Chanyeol was just surprised. Not scared. Just surprised. 

“See? It’s not bad, being held this way.”

Chanyeol only meant literally, but seconds past and Junmyeon could see the realization on Chanyeol’s face, and Junmyeon was endeared.

The father cleared his throat, pulling back slowly, eyes dazed, perhaps succumbing to the night. “Anyway…”

Even when Junmyeon stopped touching him, Chanyeol’s neck still flushed. The soldier was trying to process what had happened and decided after a comfortable silence he should leave.

“Don’t leave—” Chanyeol’s hand on pulling on his wrist certainly surprised when Junmyeon said good night and made a move to sit up from the couch. “I— well, I don’t want you to be alone. Tonight. Just—”

“Okay. I understand.” Junmyeon agreed easily because he owed him that.

“Oh. That’s good… I’ll bring—”

“I can sleep on the floor here. It’s perfectly fine for me.”

“Let— let me bring you blankets and pillows at least.”

Junmyeon woke in the middle of the night, looking up to Chanyeol’s sleeping figure from below.

He was piecing it together, and Junmyeon could understand his feelings better in the dimly lit room trying to make out what Chanyeol’s sleeping face looked like. Him touching Chanyeol wasn’t part of an episode.

The soldier stared longingly at his neck and fiddled his fingers beneath the warm blankets.

Junmyeon wanted to hold Chanyeol close.

Maybe, in the morning, the feelings would go away.

But as Junmyeon failed to fall asleep for the rest of the night, he found himself staring at Chanyeol. The longer he stared, the more he wanted. The more he tried to justify, the clearer the answer was.

So in the morning, when Chanyeol’s eyes caught his in his morning daze, blinking sleepily, smiling his cheeky smile down at him, whispering a small ‘good morning’ to the sleepless soldier, it wasn’t an episode, Junmyeon gathered.

He touched Chanyeol because he wanted to, and the father made it obviously clear that he didn’t mind it.

_**Fuck.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> excuse me, but --
> 
> OH LAWD HE COMIN


	13. Chapter 13

* * *

* * *

As cold as the ground was, Junmyeon remembered the warm hand of his partner against his back. The rain drizzled the gloomy sky. The dirt was thick with mud. They sat in silence in their post, alone together, their uniforms against in their skin. At times like this, Junmyeon forgot that there was danger, drinking water from his worn bottle, watching the sun peeking through grey clouds. His partner grunted at the memories of his captain making him do clap push-ups. At times like this, Junmyeon felt safe amidst the things had happened. He didn’t think of the friend he lost yesterday to a claymore. He remembered the hand that held him when he was injured.

Junmyeon opened his eyes, finding himself on his own bed lying next to his uniform. The soldier sat up, looked down at his hands, and smiled at the nice dream he had in his short slumber.

It was 7 in the morning. Flushes of Chanyeol waking up in the morning and smiling at him filled his veins. Junmyeon recollected his escape from the revelation and his attempt at calming his nerves, falling in asleep in the middle of his emotions. 

Stretching himself, Junmyeon left for the bathroom and made quick work of his shower. His fingers brushed through his hair, Junmyeon thought it was getting too long, thought he should’ve cut it a little more. And so he did. Junmyeon found his razor, stared too long at the blade before shaking his head, and shaved off his stubble and the thick sideburns. His hand fiddled with his electric clipper and cut off the long hair covering his forehead. As Junmyeon felt around his head and trim off his thick hair, the soldier chuckled at himself in the mirror. All he did was trim off his hair a little to a slightly faded buzz cut, and he looked so much younger already.

His fingers felt up the uniform that clung onto his body throughout the good times and the bad times. Unlike a proper retirement where he would’ve gotten to wear a service dress suit and medals, Junmyeon thought this was fitting for him, wearing a normal soldier combat uniform. It was familiar, and Junmyeon was comfortable with familiar.

With his soldier hat in his hand, Junmyeon sat quietly at the end of his bed, waiting.

A knock on his door, and it cracked in a smile on Junmyeon’s lips.

He opened his door to Chanyeol in his navy blue dress suit. He looked too handsome for Junmyeon, hair slicked back, eyes soft behind the round glasses, lips red from biting nervously.

“Oh, hi,” Chanyeol blinked, openly staring at him.

Junmyeon held back a smile realizing the heels in his combat boots were high, and their eyes levelled. “You look nervous.”

“I don’t know… what if I’m…” Junmyeon watched Chanyeol’s hand slid behind his neck and rubbed shyly on the collar of his white shirt, thought his long neck looked pretty in a suit.

“You’ll be fine,” the soldier tested the water, reached out, held on to his shoulder. The fabric felt nice on his skin, and his shoulder’s flesh felt even nicer when he squeezed. Junmyeon wondered if Chanyeol was comfortable in this nice suit.

“Okay. Okay…” Chanyeol breathed slowly and shook his head before smiling back at Junmyeon sheepishly. “Sorry, I should be asking you instead.”

“You’re here, so I’ll be fine.” Junmyeon felt his heart was full when Chanyeol couldn’t stop smiling. The soldier didn’t stop gently kneading Chanyeol’s shoulder until he felt Chanyeol actually relaxed, his fingers came to fiddle with his own hat in replacement. “Where are the twins?”

Jongin and Jongdae were excited in their tiny dress shirts, and Junmyeon tried not to catch Chanyeol’s eyes staring at him through the reflection in the elevator. The dark long coat only seemed to make Chanyeol look taller, confident. Jongin was clinging onto to him more, holding his hand tightly, staring up at his uniform, eyes filled with awe. Jongdae was trying to one-up his father apparently, chest out in the open, standing proudly before Chanyeol and not holding on to him at all.

Yixing in a suit of his own was professional and polite about the whole thing, acting more like a chauffeur to them than anything else, and Junmyeon was grateful. He did not need Yixing incessantly blabber on about how handsome Chanyeol when he himself could already see it, feel it. Junmyeon watched the hat in his lap as he thumbed the cap, not wanting to deal with Yixing’s winks. The soldier listened passively to the conversation Yixing tried to strike up with Chanyeol about the twins, about him.

Junmyeon was going to end it all today, cut things off. As the building blurred into one, Junmyeon sighed at the memories he bared regardless of ending his life as a soldier. He wondered where he would go next, what else would he do. At that thought, Junmyeon’s eyes flickered towards to the rear-view mirror, suddenly holding to Chanyeol’s gaze. Those eyes took him back to the hours he spent thinking last night, simply watching the father sleep.

Yixing’s voice cut him off, and Junmyeon felt the whiplash, his head slightly wobbled trying to focus on what Yixing was saying rather than his heart that was throbbing so loudly in his mind, telling him it was truly the last day of being a soldier, telling him to grab Chanyeol by the arm and pull him close.

“They’ll tell you where to walk to and everything, so don’t freak out,” Yixing nodded to himself, eyes bright on the road, chuckling along with Jongdae when he giggled. “They’ll talk a bit about you as well, and it won’t take long, your turn. The whole thing will last for a while though, but it’s only a few officers retiring with you, so I hope it won’t bore the handsome boys too much.”

“It’s alright,” Chanyeol smiles in reassurance from the backseat with his twins, “I’ll be sure to keep them occupied.”

Junmyeon would really have to take Yixing for a meal next time for his troubles distracting Chanyeol from boring holes to the back of his head. The doctor knew in confidence of his senses, silently helping him deal with it. For Junmyeon, it wasn’t difficult to feel eyes on him. The soldier had been sensitive to these things as part of his nature. Maybe, Chanyeol wouldn’t feel his gaze as much, but for Junmyeon, it was pulling his senses so tightly together, unable to distinguish between threat and want. The soldier, in turn, avoided the rear-view mirror altogether at this point, breathing hard and slow through his nose.

Once they got to the venue, Junmyeon put on his hat, suddenly felt safer. He bowed at the soldiers that were once his juniors looking up to him, feeling warm at the familiar laughter of his fellow mates. Seeing them happy and loose this way made him just as calm. It was his superior that greeted him once they were in the room, and Junmyeon proudly saluted, cheeks warm at the compliments. The soldier was also aware that Chanyeol was watching him through it all, standing back with the twins, following Yixing to the seats while he still had to walk around to his superiors to greet them.

“You’re as handsome as ever, Captain Kim.” His older captain patted his back. “My, you make me look bad ageing.”

Junmyeon chuckled shyly at the compliment but kept a professional front on, didn’t want to look any younger with his expressions and making his captain feel even older. “Don’t, Captain Cho. You’re a lot more handsome your age. I don’t think I can pull it off as you do.”

“Oh, sweet child, you flatter me. Ah…” The captain looked behind his back. It must have been Chanyeol. Junmyeon could still feel his eyes, always aware of his bright and welcoming gaze. “Is that you’re nephew? I didn’t know you have such a handsome nephew. Well, I can’t compete with your kin… Handsomeness runs in your family.”

But Junmyeon stopped listening when he heard nephew, and it must have shown because his imminent smile didn’t go together with the sudden frown in his brows. Junmyeon shook it off, chuckled nervously, trying to keep his cool, agreeing silently because the captain was already off talking to someone else. The soldier felt a glass shatter somewhere in his mind because he kept forgetting how much older he was compared to Chanyeol.

Junmyeon didn’t even register his own body slumping in his seat next to Chanyeol until the father placed a hand on his shoulder, and Junmyeon felt warmer in his uniform.

“Nervous?” His deep voice rang in his ear, and Junmyeon turned to Chanyeol and held his gaze. Those chocolate eyes looked even bigger through these round glasses. The navy blue in his suit and his pale skin blended nicely, and Junmyeon wasn’t bothered, staring openly as Chanyeol did to him.

Junmyeon couldn’t say that he was _slightly_ upset at the fact that people might think of them as uncle and nephew, but then again how should people look at them? It was their opinion, and Junmyeon shouldn’t be bothering with that. However, it had been a long time since Junmyeon was upset over a tiny thing like that. And the soldier would like to think that it was something that normal people would get upset by as well, so he settled it as that. All of that just to get to a simple conclusion. Junmyeon still had a long way to go, but he still mentally patted himself on the back for dealing with it _normally and quietly_.

“Hyung?”

Junmyeon blinked and remembered he was staring at Chanyeol’s plush lips that were parted at his silence. The soldier cleared his throat, felt his neck flushed when Chanyeol’s thumb pressed into his collarbone. “Oh, I’m just… a little overwhelmed at… this. That’s all.”

“I’m here like you said, so you’ll be fine, right?” maybe it was the studio light at the back, but Chanyeol looked so handsome in this light. Junmyeon’s eyes trailed from the large hand that held his shoulder to the white cuffs framed by the pretty navy blue suit, along the forearm, to the biceps seemingly full and tight in the sleeves, and Junmyeon couldn’t stop thinking about bare muscles he saw just days ago, the veins pulsing in his neck Junmyeon traced last night, the lips, pretty lips. Their eyes met. If Chanyeol noticed him staring, he didn’t show it.

“Right.”

Only when Chanyeol drew his hand back that Junmyeon felt shivers down his spine. The soldier sat straight up again, forgetting why he was upset in the first place, breathing deeply, squaring his shoulders, keeping his chest full. This way he truly fit his uniform. Just like that, at the end of his soldier’s eyes, Junmyeon caught Chanyeol’s dazed eyes through his glasses staring at his chest. The soldier hid a smile, looking straight ahead, letting the father stare in peace. Perhaps, Chanyeol, too, liked the way he fit his uniform.

Soon, the ceremony commenced. Soldiers in their respectable ranks stood forth and marched towards their medals. Though Junmyeon was caught up listening to the history of each soldier, finding himself proud of their achievement, the soldier didn’t miss the way Chanyeol’s eyes sometimes darted towards the families in the audience seat around him, noticing their husbands, wives and children there for them.

“Hey,” Thought he should break Chanyeol of his trance, Junmyeon whispered, and Chanyeol stared back with brows raised, eyes vulnerable behind those pretty glasses. “I don’t think I mentioned it, but you’re handsome today.”

Junmyeon watched closely. His throat bobbed, his eyes flickered beneath those heavy lids, his lips pared so slowly. A deep chuckle and a fake cough sent his way. “Especially today?”

The dimples deepened prettily when he smiled, his cheeks flushed crimson and Junmyeon sighed. “Especially today.” It was true. Junmyeon felt as if he was seeing a different side of Chanyeol since the clock hit midnight, and he started counting the breaths Chanyeol let out softly last night.

“You know I’m not as handsome as Jongdae and Jongin today. You’re buttering me up.” A playful quirk on his lips, then a pout on his full lips. Junmyeon couldn’t stop staring.

“Well, someone has to.” Junmyeon didn’t realise he’d been falling for a long time. Only at this moment when Chanyeol laughed brightly with him that Junmyeon recognised the pull deep in his veins acting up since last night.

“Alright. You’re just fishing for compliments. Fine, I’ll say it. You’re especially handsome, today, too,” Chanyeol tilted his head and glared at him playfully before turning his attention back to the ceremony again clapping on cue with everyone else as the next general went up to get his medal.

“I noticed,” Junmyeon smiled to himself.

“What?” Junmyeon could hear Chanyeol turning his way again, but he didn’t return the gaze and shrug.

“Nothing.”

“Yah… hyung…” Junmyeon held back a surprised gasp when he felt Chanyeol nudged into his shoulder. The soldier found Chanyeol’s eyes mischievous scanning the blank yet warm expression Junmyeon tried to muster. “You never bait me with a ‘ _nothing’._ Repeat that one more time?”

It was going to be difficult now that not only Chanyeol’s looks were tightening up his screws but also his touches as well. Of course, Junmyeon should have seen that coming. A loud sigh, “I think that I’m especially handsome, too, today.”

“Hyung!” The father squealed at his statement. “That’s— I know that wasn’t what you said. Come on, what was it?”

“I noticed you’ve been staring… so, I supposed I’m quite handsome today.” And after breaking Chanyeol’s code in his system, Junmyeon turned back to applauding the medal being adorned on the next soldier.

From that moment, Junmyeon no longer sensed any discomfort in Chanyeol’s body as he peeked at the corner of his eyes. A permanent blush on Chanyeol’s face was a pretty thing Junmyeon found out.

Jongin cutely found his way to Junmyeon’s chair from his father side, and it was then that his name was prompted. Junmyeon leaned down to ruffle Jongin’s hair and gave him a hug before going up to stand by and wait for his turn.

It was strange this feeling. It sounded as if his heart was full of flowers even though it was the end of autumn, and the air was growing cold, bringing the winter with it. Junmyeon looked at the audience and finding Chanyeol and his twins were easy. In fact, it was only them he seemed to notice. Junmyeon didn’t want to give Yixing too much materiel to tease him in the next session, but he couldn’t help his eyes wandering back to Chanyeol.

Even as his name was finally called, Junmyeon’s mind still wandered to Chanyeol. Maybe, it was better this way. Junmyeon had been scared when he realised he couldn’t stay in the military where he thought he belonged. In the way he was, it was going to be an uphill battle just trying to go back to civilian life, reacting to the simple things in life in a calmer way instead of reaching out to crush the windpipe of whoever tried to hurt him in his nights of sleep. Breaking out of habits that had been with him for half of his life was terrifying and having to be dealing with the nightmares that plagued his dreams made it even harder for him to breathe. Then, Chanyeol, a tall handsome father, forced his way in Junmyeon’s rigid ways with the help of his twins. It wasn’t as scary anymore when they thanked him for services. Before he dreaded the end he couldn’t escape, now he welcomed it, feeling the medal his chest anchoring him to a calm feeling of rest. The weight of the framed certificate wasn’t foreign, but this one was final and Junmyeon found himself clinging on to it tightly as he looked back to the audience, to the camera, and to Chanyeol.

Junmyeon found his way back to his seat, and Chanyeol let the retired soldier have his silence as he took the framed certificate away from him and showed it to his twins. It was a lot more peaceful than Junmyeon had thought.

In the end, Junmyeon went back up to get his picture taken with everyone else. Then, Yixing was dragging him along with Chanyeol and his twins to the flags where the four of them to get their photo.

“Come on, now. A little closer,” Yixing smacked his lips together, glaring Junmyeon for standing too far off the frame, away from Chanyeol. Junmyeon felt his old bones rattled at the senses burning in his fingertips when Chanyeol draped an arm around his shoulder to pull him close, and the contact was gone. Jongin giggled happily in front of him, and Junmyeon was flustered because, in the way he stood on Chanyeol’s right side with Jongdae before his father, it would turn out like a family photo. “Captain, please smile.”

He was about to scold Yixing for taking too many photos when the doctor finally let up but only to—

“Alright! Now, with the certificate! Just a little longer, Jongin-ah, Jongdae-ah~ You both look so good together!”

Very _subtle_ , Yixing, the doctor. Junmyeon didn’t miss the sly twitch in Yixing’s eyes when Yixing smiled at him from behind the camera.

When Yixing finally stopped and the four stepped away for the other families to take pictures, Chanyeol and the twins were quickly by his side, checking out the photos. As Junmyeon watched in content the way they all smiled at their photos, a familiar voice called for him.

“Captain Kim,” it was one of his juniors that became his partner in his last mission.

“Captain Na,” Junmyeon nodded at his military dress suit. He had climbed up the rank higher than him while he was gone, and it looked good on him. Junmyeon was proud and happy at the development. He truly didn’t have to worry much after all. Seemed like everyone was adjusting to their positions nicely. 

“Ah… it’s strange being called that by you, Captain Kim.” The younger sheepishly smiled at him. He treasured the times they spent patrolling together at nights, smiling at the times the younger would whine at him for being too strict.

“You earned it, Captain Na.”

“Thank you. Anyway, I’ll get straight to the point. Your old partner, Officer Chan, is retiring the next month. I thought you’d want to be there for her.”

His old eyes closed for a brief moment, remembered the good times with his partner, and smiled at Captain Na, grateful for his invitation. “Of course, I’d love to. If you’ll have me, I’ll be there for her.”

It was late afternoon when they finally got to leave the ceremony. It was getting colder. In a few days, first snow might finally fall, and Junmyeon unzipped his outer combat uniform, letting his body fight off the cold from being too warm. Chanyeol was concerned, of course, watching him flex his arms in his dark green tee, but Junmyeon was quick to come up with an excuse, saying he quiet enjoyed the cold breeze on his skin. Though it wasn’t exactly a lie, Junmyeon couldn’t flat out say he wanted to keep himself distracted from the father. Jongin was quick to grab on to his uniform, pulling cutely at the sleeves, blinking up for permission, and Junmyeon chuckled, kneeling down to drape the uniform over the little one when Jongdae poked his head in as well, so he had Jongin wear the right sleeve and Jongdae wear the left sleeve.

“Don’t run, okay?” Junmyeon ruffled their hair at the same time, and the twins burst into giggles.

“We’re a robot soldier, now, yay!” Jongdae chirped and intertwines his little fingers with Jongin who blushes under the jacket. “Come on, nini. Let’s walk together at the same time.”

And so, Junmyeon walked by Chanyeol’s side behind the twins who were having too much fun with his uniform, but it was for the best. The uniform rendered them unable to go faster, meaning it was easy for the adults to catch up.

It was close enough that Junmyeon could feel Chanyeol’s fingers peeking from the long coat wanting to grab on to his hand, but he didn’t let up. Though he had felt something different for the father, Junmyeon still wanted to be sure. He didn’t want to dive in too quick. In the way Chanyeol didn’t stop blatantly staring at him, Junmyeon would have to figure something out between them.

The twins’ laughter brought a smile to his face as Jongin and Jongdae kicked at the falling leaves playfully.

Chanyeol’s slick back hair fell away to the wind, strands breaking apart flowing freely, and Junmyeon had to remember to look away from time to time.

Finally, they were at the pretty field of grass where families and friends gathered around their tents and drink together, watching the boats flow across the river. Soon, Baekhyun came into view, waving them to their spot by a large tree.

“Sehun’s not here?” Junmyeon chuckled when Baekhyun stretched himself on the grass, humming at the food and drinks already out on the blanket by their tent.

“Minseok’s eomma offered to take him,” Jongin and Jongdae decided it was time to jump into Baekhyun’s arms. “Well, aren’t you boys handsome?”

They settled into the rhythm of the last days of autumn and ate together. Jongin clung onto his side, and Junmyeon was more than happy to feed him his fishcakes. Jongdae sat on his own, practising his chopstick skills, letting his father breathe easily. Chanyeol got rid of his long coat, his jacket and tie, his hair no longer slicked back, covering his forehead softly. His sleeves were rolled up, and Junmyeon thought him constantly having to push up the glasses up the bridge of his nose was endearing rather than annoying.

“So, feel any different now that you’ve retired?” Baekhyun sipped his soju like a rabbit, and Junmyeon wondered how long had it been since he was out and drinking like this.

“A lot more peaceful than I had expected.” Junmyeon leaned back on the heels of his hands, feeling the grass underneath his fingertips, chuckling at Jongdae failing to put a chess kimbab in his mouth.

“Have you figured out how you’ll spend your retirement money?”

Junmyeon sighed, unable to stop a bright smile spreading on his lips, unable to stop himself from turning to Chanyeol on cue either. “That won’t be happening for a while. I’ll probably be living off babysitting money for now.”

“Thought of how you’ll spend your days after you stop… you know… for Chanyeol?” Baekhyun looked around the food, blinking at his fried chicken. Of course, he was trying to poke something in between and his best friend. For a moment, Chanyeol stared at Baekhyun. “What? You’re moving soon. You need to tell your babysitter that, Yeollie.”

Junmyeon laughed at Chanyeol’s surprised face. He knew this was going to happen soon enough.

“You don’t seem surprised.” Chanyeol blinked at his reaction.

“I was going to advise you moving if you hadn’t made the choice,” Baekhyun nodded at his words, impressed. “It’s a nice job being offered to you, and that bookstore wasn’t going to be a stable income in the long run.”

“See? Told you Junmyeon would agree with me!” Baekhyun reached out with his chopstick to poke at Chanyeol’s forehead. “That apartment wasn’t going sustain three tall grown men, you know. I’m betting Jongin will be the taller sibling despite him being younger. That’s always the case for some strange reasons…”

He was glad that Chanyeol had been discussing it with his best friend, glad that Chanyeol was taking bigger steps in his life. “Sorry, hyung, I was going to tell you, but…”

“It’s alright.” Junmyeon realised too late that winking was probably the wrong response. Oh, well. “Have you found a place?”

“Yep! You should come to visit, Junmyeon-shi,” Baekhyun smiled, flickering his eyes to Chanyeol. “Well, that means … you’re going to have to stop…” He didn’t want to continue, seeing how the twins were there, listening.

Junmyeon breathed in, thought about Chanyeol waking up in the morning and getting the children to school when the sun was high up. It was an easy choice. “Like I said. I’ll be spending babysitting money for the foreseeable future, so I’ll still look after Jongjongs.”

Chanyeol looked like he couldn’t believe the words out of Junmyeon’s mouth. “But it’ll be… quite far from your place. I mean—”

“I like the distance. I mostly take naps and read books anyway. It works to my habits really,” Junmyeon shrugged and leaned down to kiss Jongin’s hair when the little twin squealed happily at his answer.

“I thought ahjusshi was going to leave us… don’t leave, ahjusshi,” Jongin now draped himself over Junmyeon’s laps, staring up at him with pretty big eyes. Like father, like son, he supposed.

“Ahjusshi is the best,” Jongdae left his food and ran around to hug Junmyeon from behind, slotting his tiny head on his shoulder, kissing him cutely at on his flushed cheek. “Ahjusshi should come to see my room! We have different rooms, now… I’m going to miss Jongin…”

“Aw, don’t worry. If you get scared, just go to Jongin’s room.” Junmyeon looked back to Jongdae and pinched at his cute little button nose. “I’m sure Jongin wouldn’t mind?”

“Dae-hyung can come into my room anytime!” Jongin jumps up and stood on his laps now, hugging Junmyeon’s front, and Junmyeon was definitely okay with the twins holding him close like this forever, growing fond of the fragile little things seeking his protection. He let his muscles relaxed and swaying into Jongin and Jongdae to his heart’s content. His right arm held on Jongin’s little waist, his left arm reached back to pull Jongdae close.

“Have you thought of ways to decorate your rooms yet?” Junmyeon whispered softly, looking back and forth between the happy twins.

“I’m going ask appa for a dinosaur blanket,” Jongdae whispered back cutely into his ear, his tiny hand covering his lips not for Chanyeol to see.

“I want a bear pillow, but it’s okay if appa doesn’t allow it,” Jongin whined softly to him, and Junmyeon shook his head.

“How about I buy it for you instead? Appa will buy other things for the house. Ahjusshi will give you housewarming gifts, sounds good?”

Perhaps, it was the twins’ play all along to fool him into buying stuff by being adorable like this, but Junmyeon wouldn’t mind being ripped off by a bunch of cute children. Even his rigid heart couldn’t think of being strict about it. And like that, the twins were stuck to his side for the rest of afternoon, and Junmyeon was more than happy to pamper them with the attention he could give. This way, Chanyeol and Baekhyun could enjoy themselves without getting interrupted by the kids, too. Though Junmyeon could feel Chanyeol’s heavy gaze through it all, Junmyeon didn’t return the sentiment, afraid that if he looked up, he might not be able to tear himself away from looking.

“Ahjusshi, I want to go play near the river…” Jongdae poked Junmyeon’s arm with his head.

“Me, too…” Jongin shyly added, and Junmyeon readily agreed.

Soon, Jongin was covered in Junmyeon’s jacket, holding on to his hand, while Jongdae was running forth, chasing the wind, leaving Chanyeol and Baekhyun to their reunion. This, Junmyeon truly didn’t want to lose. Whether or not Junmyeon meant anything different to Chanyeol, he still grew attached to the twins quite intensely as he couldn’t stop himself imagining growing old with them and taking them school, perhaps even going to their weddings. If Junmyeon tried hard enough, he might be able to win the twins’ favour and get himself stuck to their sides for a long time.

It was Jongdae that dragged them to sit on the bank of the river, and Junmyeon watched in peace the warm evening sky dancing in the reflection of the water. Then, the twins shared his jacket again before clinging on to his sides, holding on to him, slowly falling asleep on his chest to the sound of the river flowing in the evening.

Junmyeon had been thinking about Baekhyun’s question since he first stepped onto civilian’s pavement. That first day on the bus without any prompt to where he should go next before he was told where to go, Junmyeon sat alone on the bus until midnight, until the bus stopped moving, and Junmyeon was left sitting in the station, staring worriedly up the dark sky. It was cold, but the cold Junmyeon could handle. The uneasiness set in his stomach when he realised he didn’t know where to go and what to do was frightening.

The next day Junmyeon walked from the station all day to the place he should be. It took him two days on foot, but Junmyeon didn’t feel tired. And the thing was Junmyeon felt that he was still serving, making it hard for him to even relax. He avoided long hours of sleep and found his way to the place where he met Chanyeol. Junmyeon chuckled. If Chanyeol hadn’t been stubborn and made excuses just to get closer to him, Junmyeon was certain that he wouldn’t have been able to unwind and meet the twins. It had been a long way he walked.

This comfortable blanketing weight on his chest snoring softly for his heart to breathe washed away the worries he might have for the days to come.

Junmyeon slowly made his way back, trying to not to wake the twins, holding them close, and he blushed along the way when the mothers of other children cooed at him, calling him a handsome soldier, a handsome father. And Junmyeon wanted to be selfish even just for a little while, letting them think he was part of a happy family.

Chanyeol and Baekhyun came into view, and even from this far, his old eyes could see how lovely Chanyeol was, lying on the grass, skin flushed being tipsy from the soju he shared with Baekhyun. It was different from the time he met Chanyeol. The father was still in his self-imposed shell, trying to figure out his around his children. Now, he was little more relaxed in the way he laughed into the wind, eyes crinkling up at the sky, head comfortable in the grass, resting his legs on Baekhyun’s lap while Baekhyun leaned on the tree.

It was a snippet he heard when they started talking about their high school years with Jongsoo, and Junmyeon was fond at the fact that Chanyeol could laugh it off with Baekhyun. Though there was a strain in his eyes afterwards, Junmyeon knew Chanyeol would soon heal with time starting from this new step in his life.

“Do you really mean it?” Chanyeol’s voice was soft. They were on their way back to their apartment after bidding farewell to Baekhyun. Chanyeol didn’t wear his long coat or his jacket, simply folding them onto his forearm. The buzz on Chanyeol’s skin was somewhat affecting Junmyeon as well, feeling the warmth and fuzziness of the alcohol unravelling their senses.

“Yes. And as long as you allow it, I’ll look after the twins,” Junmyeon whispered back, eyes staring at the single red leaf stuck in Chanyeol’s hair. Cute. “You’re going to be busy moving and working out with the twins’ school as well I expect?”

“That’s right. I’m looking into schools for Jongjongs as well, and I have to be quick. It’s nearing a new semester in the middle of winter…” Chanyeol hummed, his voice sounded sweeter in his tipsy state.

“Don’t worry about it, then. I’ll look after them. Help you familiarize with the new neighbourhood and all. You just worry about the paperwork.” Junmyeon offered easily. To be honest, Junmyeon wasn’t exactly sure what to do after taking care of the twins as well. Start babysitting for other parents? Perhaps. For now, he would focus on Chanyeol.

A comfortable silence. Junmyeon could hear Chanyeol turning his gears, trying to process it all out. At this point, the deep red on his face was more than just being tipsy, Junmyeon was certain.

Chanyeol walked forth to push the elevator down for them. However, the silence grew into something more, something that Junmyeon didn’t think he could handle just yet, not with the way Chanyeol arch back to stretch himself, letting his muscles flex underneath his dress shirt.

Junmyeon nodded a quiet ‘thanks’ to the father when he opened the front door for Junmyeon, but he was going to have to take off his combat boots, meaning he’d have to wake up the twins—

“Ah, I’ll help.” Maybe, it was too much, but Junmyeon couldn’t stop Chanyeol from crouching down to untie the strings for him. “Let the twins sleep for now. I’ll get something for us to drink.”

Junmyeon merely nodded, hoped that Chanyeol didn’t see the burn in his face as he stepped into the twins’ room. He gently laid the twins down onto the bed. Though they were in still in their dress shirts and pants, they were comfortable at the moment. Chanyeol would wake them up later to wash up and brush their teeth before bed. It was getting cold, so Junmyeon left the combat jacket on and pulled the blanket over them.

Now, Junmyeon had to step back into the same room with Chanyeol, and it was coming back the dread in his blood. The trembles in his fingertips amplified at the sight of Chanyeol unbuttoning another button in his shirt, collarbones bare for him to see.

“Here, drink up.” Junmyeon gladly downed the refreshing water, ignoring the shivers down his spine when their fingers brushed.

“It was a nice outing. Thank you for letting the twins and Baekhyun join us,” Junmyeon sat back on Chanyeol’s couch, letting his muscles relax after an afternoon walk.

“I thought we were going to be even, but you had to one-up with your offer,” Chanyeol, without his glasses, chuckled brightly, and Junmyeon realised it was a terrible idea sitting on the couch because Chanyeol took a seat next to him on his right. The flesh of his thigh warmed his skin even through the combat uniform.

“When are you moving? I’ll help you unpack.”

“And there you go again… I can’t stop you from helping, can I?” it shouldn’t be special with the way their conversation was going, but Junmyeon was breathless knowing Chanyeol was inching closer.

“You were very nosy when I first moved here. I thought I’d like to be as intrusive,” Junmyeon’s eyes flickered to their shoulders touching when Chanyeol suddenly made himself bigger, his bare forearm touching his. It was too much. It was lighting his senses way too much. Junmyeon thought he might break and snap into Chanyeol in a blink of an eye, but he held back.

“I’ll take that as a compliment…” Chanyeol trailed off, his eyes shining so close like this gazing at his lips. Another breath and Junmyeon could feel it warm on his cheek, “Hyung… I want to tell—”

“Don’t.”

Junmyeon’s fingers clutched on Chanyeol’s bare forearm, the flesh felt so nice beneath his touch, but Junmyeon closed his eyes, breathed slow.

“Hyung?” Junmyeon could hear the wavering in his deep voice, threatening to crack.

“Don’t say it. Don’t— Don’t kiss me,” Junmyeon looked at Chanyeol’s lips now, dazed at how red and wobbly they were, wanting to have a taste, and he tore his gaze from them, looking straight into Chanyeol’s weak, redden eyes. It was a long second, but Junmyeon gathered himself, feeling Chanyeol’s thigh burn, sensing Chanyeol’s arm struggle to stay firm. “Don’t confess... not before I do.”

Junmyeon had to lean away from Chanyeol slightly to breathe a different air, or he might really pin Chanyeol down with his hand right now. As quick as the fear came, it vanished as quick, replaced by a blanket of tension Junmyeon didn’t want to deal with yet.

It was the way Chanyeol’s shoulders just fell loose, his arm suddenly pliant to his grip, his eyes half-lidded, his throat bobbed and swallowed, and Junmyeon was more than entranced.

“I want to be sure myself, and I want you to be sure.” 

“But I am—” Chanyeol was about to say it again, but Junmyeon grunted at his attempt, fingers digging deeper in his forearm, pulling a whimper from his plush lips.

“Chanyeol-ah… this can’t be rushed. I want you to be sure. Settle down, finish moving— Be clear about this after you’ve settled down properly. Now, you need to focus on your job, your twins, and your new home. Then… then… we’ll talk about it.”

“Hyung,” the way he pleaded for him, Junmyeon sighed. Deep voice so savoury in his ear.

“I care about you a lot, Chanyeol-ah. And I don’t want to be the one to hurt you.”

“You’re not going to hurt me,” Chanyeol said with a conviction that had Junmyeon’s mind reel.

“This… I ask of you,” Junmyeon’s voice grew tender, trying to reason with him. Junmyeon knew he was more than capable to force Chanyeol physically to stop, but he didn’t want to. “I still need to work on … myself. I really won’t forgive myself if I hurt you.”

This moment suspended so long as Chanyeol dragged it out, staring at him apprehensively like he wanted to leap for so long only to be told to stop, to let go of the courage that he had built up just to get ready for what might happen. Junmyeon could see the alcohol still swimming on his skin, sparkling him red, and he grew just as tipsy from being this close to Chanyeol even without a drop of soju.

Then, Chanyeol mouthed a small ‘okay.’ If Junmyeon had blinked, he would’ve missed it. His fingers loosened, trailing up the skin that burned up before tracing the veins that wrapped tightly around his pretty neck. This was it, the feeling. The thought last night he confused with hurt. His thumb pressed lightly into warm flesh, relishing in the way Chanyeol swallowed against his fingers. “Hyung,” a whisper.

Fingers dug into his nape, threading through the short strands of his hair, and Junmyeon sighed into the touch, leaning into Chanyeol’s hand, and he felt Chanyeol sigh against his hold as well.

“Chanyeol-ah…” Junmyeon drew his hand back, missing the tender skin against his pads. “Good night.”

He stood up and away from the fingers that might hold him or break him. Junmyeon walked towards the door, leaning down to pick up his boots before turning back to Chanyeol who was still sitting star-struck on the couch.

Junmyeon watched Chanyeol stared at the hand that had touched him and almost relented, giving in to his yearnings when Chanyeol’s eyes glared up at him with a different heat. He could see so much tension building in his legs, his thighs, his chest, his arms, his neck. The veins were straining on his arms and neck, pulsing so loudly Junmyeon thought he could hear it. This instant Junmyeon had never felt so small in Chanyeol’s space, felt so exposed. Chanyeol was trying so hard not to come to him. Junmyeon thought he looked even more tempting this way.

“If Jongin really loves the jacket, tell him I let him have it.” Junmyeon’s voice wavered at Chanyeol leaning back against the couch, breathing in deeply, pushing his chest hard against his dress shirt, the dip in his chest glistening with sweat. He tore his gaze away from the taunting hard nipples peeking through the fabric, returning a guarded look. “It won’t be the only housewarming gift, of course. For you… I have more to give.”

With that, Junmyeon turned away, didn’t wait for Chanyeol’s reaction, closing the front door, and quickly entering his own. A shudder run down his body as he slumped against the door. Even in a different room, Junmyeon could still feel him. Instead of getting rid of it, Junmyeon welcomed it, focusing on it, focusing on what Chanyeol could do to him, what he would do to him. In the comfort of his own place, Junmyeon let it burn, seeing his own fingers running down Chanyeol’s broad back, clutching onto whatever he could and pull him close. It burned differently this fire, and Junmyeon knew if he jumped into this one, he would revel in the way it would sear on his skin. Junmyeon could work with this one. Unlike the heat that scarred him with nightmares of metals scorching his skin, leaving scars down his back, this heat made him want to surrender to the comfort it would bring him. He felt no tearing at his flesh, no phantom blade on his skin. It was pouring into him, sloshing into his veins as if he was the glass, and it was the wine, and he wanted Chanyeol to drink it from him, wanted to feel it burn on Chanyeol’s skin, wanted to take a bite out of him and see if the heat was still alight.

He took off his soldier tee, gripping the sink for support as he stared at himself in the mirror. The skin that broke off and grew out of healing flesh was prominent on his stomach. He wondered if Chanyeol would still want to touch him, wondered if Chanyeol would want to touch him more because of it. It was intoxicating, the kind of drunk that Junmyeon would want to lose himself in, want Chanyeol to get drunk with him. Junmyeon remembered the weight of his arm on his back, feeling like he belonged into that place, confusing his arm for wine, wanting to get drunk on it, wanting it to surge into him, keeping him high and intoxicated. Junmyeon would bottle him up if he could.

This was it. The heat that bled into his skin, simmering just above the surface. Cold air was enough to break away his will to keep himself tethered to his mind, brushing softly on his bare skin, his muscles, hardening his nipples. The uniform below his waist grew too warm against his skin, moulding its fabrics to graze at his skin, his cock filling up with the heat that Chanyeol had poured into him. And Junmyeon could quell it easily with the tips of his fingers.

But he didn’t.

Junmyeon sighed, took off the remaining clothes, and stepped into a cold shower, letting the feeling bled away from his toes that had stopped curling into the heat. He would have to get used to it and work it out in his mind, so he wouldn’t confuse it with anything else.

After the shower, Junmyeon decided to not put a shirt on and feel the sheets against his bare skin as he tried to fall into a deep slumber, feeling his muscles relax. Normally, Junmyeon avoided this, the long nights, but he closed his eyes, letting his medication take over, letting the sleep take over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boy, the amount of squealing through this big gay bullshit (though it's not like I'm not enjoying it *wink, wonk*). you can't imagine how hard it is for me to concentrate on writing something this heavy. my god, it was so painful when I wrote "The Knight and The Prince" love scenes... screaming through every sentence i wrote, like wtf have i just said?! by the end of everything, i evolved into a tomato. and here it goes again...
> 
> this chapter wasn't supposed to end here, but ... i thought I'll post it a little early since my 'early' is always way too late anyways. i hope you liked it ^^


	14. Chapter 14

When Junmyeon opened his eyes again, it was 5 in the morning. There was nothing plaguing in his slumber, and Junmyeon felt much better after a day of no sleep and stressing over… Chanyeol. The feelings flooded his system once more. To wake up and ache for Chanyeol first thing on his mind, Junmyeon smiled at himself.

He freshened himself up, getting ready to go meet his partner before she retired. As he passed the bookshelves he had, Junmyeon’s eyes were drawn to the book that he had avoided for so long since he grew scared of the feeling of loss. Soon, Junmyeon walked through the early morning road with Chanyeol’s favourite book in his hand towards the train station.

He would meet his comrade, and the next time, a final goodbye. Junmyeon now truly felt this part of his life was turning its last pages, and he embraced it.

Junmyeon leaned on the soft leather of the seat, breathing in the empty train, sitting alone in this 6 o’clock train, staring out the window where the sun was peeking from the horizon.

His fingers felt the pages of Chanyeol’s favourite book and restarted his journey once more.

**_O love, so long as you can love. –Franz Liszt_ **

Was still as spine chilling as the first time he read it. The first line of the book, a piece of advice told too late for the story that would unfold in the next four hundred pages. The children describing the way they grew to hate themselves for loving their mother too late once she went missing was one thing, but reading the father’s part of the story was more gut-punching than the rest.

> **_Before she went missing, you spent your days without thinking about her. When you did think about her, it was to ask her to do something, or to blame her, or ignore her. Habit can be a frightening thing. You spoke politely with others, but your words turned sullen toward your wife. Sometimes, you even cursed at her. You acted as if it had been decreed that you couldn’t speak politely to your wife. That’s what you did._ **
> 
> **_“I’m home,” you mumble to the empty house._ **

Junmyeon looked up from the book, noticing he was in a different part of the city, getting closer to his destination. The station then called out for a stop, and Junmyeon stepped out of the train, and he walked toward another station that would finally take him to the training facility at the edge of the city.

This time, more people were on the train before him. Junmyeon saw at the end of his eyes an empty and sat down, watching the people fill up, noticing the sun rose little higher in the sky.

> **_After your children’s mother went missing, you realized that it was your wife who was missing. Your wife, whom you’d forgotten about for fifty years, was present in your heart. Only after she disappeared did she come to you tangibly, as if you could reach out and touch her._ **

The fingers of his mother, Junmyeon remembered, were warm and safe, but that didn’t last too long. Both of his parents had passed away early in his high school years. They were old and frail, battling an illness against which they would never win. His parents hadn’t been very involved in his life, but they were good to him. They were too busy trying to keep the family afloat, leaving Junmyeon to fend for himself. Reading this made him guilty of the things he could’ve done. That even if his parents would never live pass to see his adulthood, he could’ve at least shown a lot more love to them while they were still around. He could’ve sent them off happier.

> **_You left this house whenever you wanted to, and came back at your whim, and you never once thought that your wife would be the one to leave._ **

Junmyeon heard a cry of a child from the other side of the train, watching how the mother held him close and cooed at him whispers of comfort and safety. Was this what Chanyeol had been crying out for? For all these years? The twins were born without ever getting to see their mother, drink from their mother, feel their mother’s comfort. Junmyeon looked at the fingers that had embraced Chanyeol close when he broke down that long ago in the elevator. Unlike him, Chanyeol didn’t know which safe place to go to when he fell into a panic. Chanyeol was so small in his hold, shaking unknowingly in the cold elevator.

As the final child ended the story, Junmyeon closed the book, a strange calmness washed over his body.

> **_Perhaps you wanted to pray in this place, pray that you could see for one last time the woman who lived in a small country attached to the edge of the vast Asian continent, to find her, and this is why you came here. Then again, maybe that wasn’t it. Maybe you already understood that Mom didn’t exist in this world anymore. Maybe you came here because you wanted to plead: Please don’t forget Mom, please take pity on Mom. But now that you see the statue on the other side of the glass, sitting on a pedestal, embracing with her frail arms all of mankind’s sorrow since the Creation, you can’t say anything. You stare at the Holy Mother’s lips intently. You close your eyes, back away, and leave that place. A line of priests passes, probably on their way to celebrate mass. You walk out to the entrance of the basilica and look down, dazed, at the piazza surrounded by long cloisters and enshrined in brilliant light. And only then do the words you couldn’t say in front of the statue leak out from between your lips._ **
> 
> **_“Please, please look after Mom.”_ **

Junmyeon walked through the facility, smiling at the soldiers in training. Then, he was told to wait in the field of grass. It was familiar, this place. The times he ran around and trained on this ground was filling him up with nostalgia.

A bark from his left, and Junmyeon chuckled at the German shepherd that jumped into his arms, rendering him defenceless and rolling in the ground, letting her lick at his face.

“Chan-ah… you’re still so strong!” Junmyeon tried to push away her snout, but she kept licking at his neck, drawing bright laughter out of him. He could still see how her coat was slightly dimmer than those years ago he had worked with her. A few marks on her head he rubbed at, his heart slightly broke at what had hurt her during the missions she carried out.

_It was raining. Patrols were on high alert for any signs of movement. They would never know when the enemy would decide to strike. Junmyeon was supposed to be patrolling with his partner, but he was assigned to a different post. There was this heavy feeling in his gut that Junmyeon couldn’t get rid of. Today of all days he had to be away from him, and Junmyeon felt most afraid today more than ever without him beside him._

_When the incoming alarm was rung, Junmyeon struggled to stay put at his post. There was an explosion, which turned out to be a claymore planted a bit far of the patrolling pattern. Soon, Junmyeon along with the others were dispatched with their canine companions to sniff out any more mines around the area. The rain was doing a good job hiding the smells. Perhaps, it was why of all the days they expected less from danger, it became the most dangerous one._

_His partner had been in the radius of that blast. Junmyeon saw chucks of meat dripping from his legs. The shock and infection on top of the rain made it difficult for him to live through the ordeal. Even if he had lived, both his legs were gone. Junmyeon was torn between being happy that he was dead and being horrified at the possibility of the man his partner may turn into if he survived. Either way, whether he had lived, nothing would have ever been the same again. And Junmyeon hated himself for wishing his partner a quick death._

_Chan walked with him throughout it all once the rain stopped. As he watched his canine officer sniffed around, Junmyeon couldn’t help thinking about the remaining of his partner the dog must have breathed in._

“How is she going to deal with retirement?” Junmyeon was still rubbing her belly, smiling at the happy noises she made.

One of the soldier, the handler of the kennel, chuckled at their reunion. “She’s going to be moved to the retirement facility. There, we’ll train her into being a house dog and help her adjust to being a normal dog again.”

“Oh, she’s going up for adoption, then?”

“Yes, sir. Depending on her temperament, she’ll be familiarizing herself with different environments, people and children. We’ll be evaluating her if she’s fit for adoption.”

Chan was a tough old dog. Junmyeon sat on the grass and threw the rubber ball for her to fetch. “What if she … can’t handle the family life?”

“No worries, Captain. We’ll look for the best family fit to look after her. If she can’t stay calm around children, then the owners mustn’t have any children near her. There’s always a way. We’ll make sure she finds a home.”

“Thank you for telling all of this.” Junmyeon knew, but he wanted to hear from the handler himself. For a while, he found himself embracing the canine close to him, petting her back, happy that she would be taken care of, happy that she would find a home and retire to a good place where someone would love her.

As he held on Chanyeol’s favourite book, Junmyeon reminded himself that he would be transparent about it, get things done before it turned too late. He’d been treasuring all this time with the twins and Chanyeol and all, but Junmyeon knew he could do better, knew that he had to get better because that way they would know that he cared not only for them but also for himself. That way they wouldn’t be worried about his well-being as much, that he would be on his own just fine.

On the train back home, Junmyeon thought through his feelings and kept them close to his heart, thought of words he would want to say the time came for him to go to Chanyeol when it was time for Chanyeol to step into his life as he had stepped into his.

Once he stepped onto the street again, the air grew crisper, colder. Junmyeon looked up to see the first snow of winter finally melted on his cheeks. This whole morning had been chilly for Junmyeon, but as his thoughts revolved around Chanyeol and the memories he had to let go, Junmyeon was warm. The sprinkle of snow clung on to his black long sleeve tee. His fingers grew cold, but he only gripped onto the book in his hand harder. The cherry blossoms were only dried up branches with little old leaves on them, but Junmyeon knew they were going to blossom again once spring blew its wind against them, so he held on to that warm feeling of spring in his heart as he journeyed back home.

The neighbourhood was familiar to him. Junmyeon bowed toward familiar faces peppered with pretty little snow, their bodies donning long coats. When he passed a familiar chicken restaurant, it was hard not to notice Chanyeol’s broad body even from the other side of the glass. The father in his cosiest yellow hoodie laughed along with neighbourhood’s eommas, his eyes brighter, his ears flushed. It was as if he could feel eyes on him, Chanyeol turned his way, a smile only for him through the window, and Junmyeon blinked slow and smiled back fondly.

He walked to the bench that he always fell asleep after his evening runs and took a seat, placing the book on his side, watching neighbourhood slowly getting drizzled with the winter snow. It was welcoming this cold on his skin. Back then, the cold had also been tearing at his sanity as well. Now, the cold was simply the pretty weather covering this peaceful neighbourhood in a blanket of winter. He still felt cold from the noises too loud in his ears, but this Junmyeon could tell the difference. This cold was comforting.

Junmyeon closed his eyes, letting his body catch up some nice afternoon nap and feel the snow melting on his lashes.

When he opened his eyes again, Chanyeol was on his right, hands flicking through the familiar book, handsomely sitting back, biting his lips, eyes tender at the words on the pages. Junmyeon noticed now that he was draped in Chanyeol’s yellow hoodie as Chanyeol was snuggly wearing his uniform over his dark tee.

“I thought I gave this jacket to Jongin,” Junmyeon smiled at Chanyeol who was startled and blushed at his accusation.

The tall neighbour cleared his throat and closed the book in his hands, eyes firm, wanting to convince him. “Jongin lent this to me, so I can come to get you.”

“Oh, really?” The older bit back a chuckle when Chanyeol’s eyes grew big for a second, trying to threaten him. Junmyeon then looked down at his hoodie and back at Chanyeol. “And this?”

“You seemed cold.” Chanyeol shrugged before pulling at the sleeves. “Wear the sleeves or you’ll get sick.”

It was familiar, this scene, but Junmyeon kept it to his heart, quietly following Chanyeol’s words and put his arms through the long sleeves. “You’re telling the mothers about moving?”

Chanyeol nodded, leaned forth to rest his elbows on his thighs, his foot clicking each other out nervousness.

“They were really nice when I moved here. Baekhyun helped me out, introducing us to each other. I didn’t think I could’ve taken care of Jongjongs without their help.”

Little snow dusted on top of Chanyeol’s hair, his hot breath drew mist out his lips. Junmyeon nodded along.

“A lot of people weren’t… Being a single parent wasn’t the thing back then. Even now, though it’s more acceptable, it’s still very hard for me to not hear words being pass around,” Chanyeol slouched further into his arms, making Junmyeon reach out to place a hand on his back, soothing him. He looked comfy in his combat uniform, and it was nice of Chanyeol to wear it. Perhaps, he needed it. Whether or not it offered comfort, Junmyeon knew it helped in some way. “They were reluctant as well, seeing me like that at first… I don’t blame anyone really… I mean… a single parent of twenty-four-years-old ran away from home with little to no money, two babies in his arms, and no wife around to help him in the house… I didn’t make a very good impression.”

Chanyeol sat back up, and Junmyeon draped his arm around his shoulder, wanting to comfort, feeling the taller warm in his arm, wanting to hold on to him like this forever, keeping him safe.

“But the twins won their hearts over. They gave me a chance, took pity on a young man, taught me a lot of things, gave me a lot of tips, offered me stuff I didn’t have when I first started. God, I didn’t even know how to work with diapers then… Minseok’s eomma gave her old stroller actually… I guess that’s why I got the habit of giving you stuff. It was weird, right? Talking you into getting free furniture?”

Junmyeon chuckled. “You were trying to help. I wasn’t exactly broke. I was,” he closed his eyes. “I was very hard on myself then… You just knocked some sense into me.”

“I’m glad I did, then.” Chanyeol relaxed under his arm. “I made great friends here, and though there are still some stink eyes thrown around… it’s not too bad anymore. Moving means I have to deal with it… all over again.”

“Don’t worry. You said it yourself, it’s not as harsh as before.” Junmyeon leaned in closer when Chanyeol’s eyes were stuck on the ground. “Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I’ll be there when you need me.”

“Really?” Chanyeol turned back, eyes on him. He didn’t inch close. They simply kept their gaze light and warm underneath the first snow of winter.

“I’m sure I’m not the only one, but feel free to complain to me or Baekhyun for that matter,” Junmyeon offered. “It’s going to be a little rough since… you’re a man, on top of it all.”

Chanyeol chuckled bitterly this time, throwing his head back, groaning into the sky. “You know, that one is the most painful one.” The father looked back down, watching the road with a tired look. “So what if I can’t breastfeed? It doesn’t mean I can’t give the love my children need.”

Junmyeon smiled at the cute father when he decided to get truly comfortable leaning into Junmyeon completely, resting his head on his shoulder as Junmyeon rubbed his arm, holding him close by the shoulder. This warm in the midst of the chilly air was nice. “You’re doing fine, Chanyeol-ah. No need to feel uncertain about it, but if you do… know that I’m here. Baekhyun is with you as well.”

Chanyeol hummed, going lax underneath his hold.

“Jongin and Jongdae are going to turn out great. They’re so nice like you already…”

“I’m scared,” the deep voice mumbled, his soft hair tickled at his neck. “That university I’m working at is … close to … the house I ran away from…”

Junmyeon saw the book in Chanyeol’s laps being gripped harder now.

“I mean… My parents and Jongsoo’s parents… were very scary about us. I was so scared they were going to take my children away. It was—” Junmyeon felt shivers in Chanyeol’s body, making him only hold on to him closer. “I thought they were going to call the police on me when I ran with two kids. They had the upper hand, hyung. All they had to do was say the truth and report me on child neglect— that first year was the scariest time of my life, scarier than any performance I had to give. Before the stage, I could at least, you know, rehearse for it, but that… there was no script for me to follow. I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid of losing the twins to my own cluelessness and the police…”

The urge to plant a comforting kiss on top of Chanyeol’s head was strong, but Junmyeon settled for calming strokes through his strands instead, thought it worked better.

“But… they didn’t come for me. I realised that even though I hated them then… I still wished I could’ve done better. Even though I hated how parents forced me into playing the piano, I still wanted to be good son… Even though they were irrational at times… they still loved me. They pushed me to be perfect because they just wanted the best for me. Jongsoo would’ve wanted that from me. She’d always been a great daughter to my parents even when they were harsh on her… as much as I don’t want to forgive them for all the hard times they gave me and Jongsoo, I still want Jongin and Jongdae to have grandparents... Do you think they’ll still take me back? And just… forget about it all?” Junmyeon peeked down, saw Chanyeol’s eyes red and glistening. Though no tears were falling, Junmyeon felt them through the crack in Chanyeol’s voice. “Hyung… my sister, too… I miss her so much…”

Junmyeon couldn’t exactly pinpoint what had pushed Chanyeol to spill out this way, but it was nice, hearing him break down instead of keeping it in and bottling it up, feeling his heart flutter that Chanyeol confide in him his worries. “I’m sure. They forgot it about long before you did. No parent would have the heart to hate a sweet son like you. If you ever run into each other, just show them Jongjongs’ pictures. It worked on the eommas here, you said? Take a lot of video evidence, keep the super cute ones.”

Chanyeol broke into a peal of laughter despite the strain and sorrow in his voice.

“Seeing you do so well raising them any parent would be proud, Chanyeol-ah.” A beat of silence. A strange feeling of intimacy out in the open where people could just walk past and listen in, but it didn’t feel out of place. It still felt safe as if they were in their own world. “I’m certain they miss you, too, Chanyeol-ah. If you’re afraid for your twins every day, imagine their fear when it’s their son and their grandsons.” Junmyeon didn’t mean to make it worse, but Chanyeol needed to hear it. It seemed like Chanyeol already knew the fact as well, simply sighing at his words. “I’m rooting for you to work it out with them… but if the time comes… and it doesn’t… turn out well, I’ll be here, fighting with you.”

“You think I could win in a fight with them? Legally?” Chanyeol’s voice was snarky. It was a strange feeling, of course. No children would want to be in a fight with their parents, but Chanyeol was running through all the possibilities, getting ready for the worse one of all.

“Well… you have a nice job, now, a good pay,” Junmyeon nodded to himself as he listed the things Chanyeol had come so far to obtain. “Moving to a good house too I presume? Jongjongs are getting the education they need… They _appear_ to love their handsome father very much,” Junmyeon chuckled when Chanyeol punched lightly at his stomach, his head nudging into Junmyeon’s neck cutely. “And should I remind you that they also have a very handsome babysitter that cares for them very much?”

Junmyeon wanted to smack himself at the fact that he called himself handsome, but … anything to make Chanyeol feel better, and hearing the father’s bright annoyed huff was enough.

“You can provide for them, Chanyeol-ah. A nice house, nice clothes, a babysitter— that’s a lot, Chanyeol-ah. This holds up in court. If anything, pull out the worse card of your own, they forced you into things, treating you badly, and you don’t want to do the same, let the same happen to your children.”

“But I only just got a new job. The new house I bought was half of Baekhyun’s money I need to repay— even if I win… it wouldn’t be a clean victory. Jongjongs are going to be split between me and them.”

Junmyeon trailed down his hair to his shoulder again, looking down at Chanyeol, meeting his eyes. “Even so… you still want to move there?”

“Well, I’m betting on them to forgive me… I have hope they’ll come to their senses if they see Jongin and Jongdae.” Leaning away, Junmyeon watched in wonder as Chanyeol sat straight and looked at him with such determination in his eyes it made his heart beat louder. “I’m not giving up a nice job and a nice house that will protect and provide for my children just because I’m going to run into them. I’m going to fight with everything I have. I’m still scared, don’t get me wrong, but … I don’t want to run away anymore. Not from music. Not from them. I’m tired, hyung.”

Seeing how far Chanyeol had come from being hesitant in just picking up the guitar to this much certainty in his voice was a pretty thing to see. He was proud that Chanyeol came to his senses, making decisions based on the twins’ well-beings, pushing past his fears. “Then, rest with me if you are.” Junmyeon smiled back. “I’m just as tired as you, but with you, I can keep going. With the twins… it’s easy to forget we’re tired.”

It was enticing the way Chanyeol was eyeing his lips, blinking softly at this old man before him, wanting to hold Junmyeon closer. “You’re right. I get tired all the time, but seeing Jongin and Jongdae smile at me… I feel like new again.” Then, with raised brows, eyes glazed over still stuck on his lips, Chanyeol chuckled brightly and breathlessly. “It won’t all bad though. I believe I have something to look forward to when I finish moving.” Chanyeol’s eyes flickered back to his eyes, a mischievous glint, and the mood was lifted already. Junmyeon could definitely get used to this confident flirty side of him. It was pretty on him.

“I’m sure the twins are, too,” Junmyeon looked away, laughing off that little moment. “They’re going to be sleeping separately for the first time.”

Chanyeol groaned at that and closed his eyes in worries. “That’s going to be a problem…”

“They’ll be brave enough to try, Chanyeol-ah. Jongin is certainly for up it,” Junmyeon smiled down at his feet, remembering the little hands that held him shyly. “He’s shy, but he listens to you very well and always wants to get on your good side. Jongdae… Jongdae likes a challenge. He’s more… independent. Not by a lot, but you noticed, right?”

“Yeah...” Chanyeol nodded, frowns on his face, teeth biting into his lower lips. “He’s pushing to do things alone now since I told him we’re moving, and he’s getting his own room and all. That’s why. I’m happy that Jongdae doesn’t cling on to me as much anymore, but at the same time… _oh, no, Sweet Dae isn’t going to cling on to me anymore?_ ”

Junmyeon shook his head at the cute little plea. “Oh, dear… next year, he’s going to start looking for a job.”

“My, I really have to love him more before he leaves his old man, right?”

It shouldn’t be this funny at how lame Chanyeol’s delivery was, but there they were, laughing away to their heart’s content. Perhaps, it was the first winter day of this neighbourhood where they found each other. Maybe, it was the way their laughter contrasted one another, a booming rich voice and a softer shyer one blending together. It could be the way Chanyeol curled into his uniform so fittingly and Junmyeon hugged himself in Chanyeol’s yellow hoodie that once kept him warm on a cold winter night not too long ago. Or it was the way their bodies drawing close to each other freely. Or it could be that their words were no longer being restraint, their affection for each other was out there, flowing around, simply waiting for the time to come. Whatever it was, this moment was one Junmyeon would always keep in his heart whenever he needed to feel warm again.

After a while, a comfortable settled in, and Chanyeol kept staring at him that Junmyeon just had to breathily laugh it off again, trying to hide his nervousness being so close. “What?”

“Did I mention that I, _too_ , get my own room now?” His eyes were suddenly half-lidded, a scheming look with a cheeky smile on top.

“Um? Is that so?” Junmyeon held back any reaction toward that statement, looking as if he had simply been informed by a simple fact, and that was all, nodding politely, trying fight off any other thoughts coming at him.

“After four years of cramping on a couch, a bed is going to do wonders to my back pain.” Chanyeol closed his eyes, a bright beam on his lips as he stretched his back, a hand coming to hold his own waist.

“It is.”

“You know… a bed is bigger than a couch, right?”

“It is.”

Chanyeol had this tight-lipped smile, holding back a laugh and looking away from poor old blushing Junmyeon. “Yeah… I’m so looking forward to moving now.”

“For a bed?” Junmyeon tried to sound unimpressed.

“Yes! Getting a new bed is a thing to be excited about, no? Don’t take things for granted, a good thing to heed in life,” Chanyeol shrugged, looking down to his feet pushing at the pavement. “It’s big enough for two. That’s infinitely better than a small couch, you know?”

Before Chanyeol could torture him more with his own brand of _flirting_ , the father’s phone rang loud from below startling them both. Junmyeon held back a groan of relief as he turned away to watch the snow fall onto his own nose.

“Ah… Of course… yes, yes, we’re coming,” Chanyeol rushed his sentence, nodding furiously into the phone. Once he was done, the father appeared displeased, sad that their moment was interrupted. “We’re being called back.”

So they walked back to the restaurant. On the way, Junmyeon sensed a rush from behind. His right arm reached up and around Chanyeol’s shoulders, pulling him closer. A boy ran past them, paying no attention to whom he might have hit on the way. His eyes followed his shape until he disappeared only to turn to Chanyeol’s eyes that had been staring at him intently.

Junmyeon wanted to keep his hold, but he realised that he was keeping Chanyeol leaning into him as well. It must have been uncomfortable tilting on his side to let Junmyeon wind his arm around his hard-to-reach-shoulders. However, when he tried to let go, Chanyeol whined softly. “Just…” A clear in his throat. “I’m cold.”

Chanyeol wasn’t, but Junmyeon let him have what he could get for now.

They walked the rest of way with Chanyeol tipping to his left side for Junmyeon to easily hold him on his right side. This one was shy but turned out to be very demanding in other things, which only added to Junmyeon’s conclusion of the shy people’s paradox.

Junmyeon thought they looked like gangly awkward high school kids being comfortable with skinship, a pleasant thought. It felt like second-nature to him when they stopped at the entrance, and Junmyeon’s fingers dusted away the snow softly on the mob of Chanyeol’s hair. It was as if they had always been this close for a long time. Perhaps, Junmyeon had grown familiar and comfortable with the twins enough, and doing it to Chanyeol, though it was more intimate, came easy like muscle memory.

He remembered back when he couldn’t even return a normal hug when Chanyeol embraced him, gracelessly patting his back with arms stretched out not knowing where to touch.

“Omo, omo! There you are!” Taeyeon called out to them when they got near the table.

“Jongin-appa,” Sunny beamed at Chanyeol’s blushes when Junmyeon pulled the seat out for him.

Junmyeon bowed politely to the mothers and took a seat in between the twins and the father. Chanyeol and the mother continued where they left off, on the house, the furniture, the money, all that gossip that Chanyeol would share, of course.

He busied himself with the twins, finding amusement at his own combat cap was floating on Jongin’s little head. Jongin tried to keep it on though he couldn’t wear it properly.

It seemed that Chanyeol noticed. Of course, he did. Chanyeol was watching him the whole time despite being wrapped in the conversation with the mothers.

“Oh, you left it on the table,” Chanyeol smiled at the food brought to the table by Baekhyun who looked surprisingly unpleasant from the drinks yesterday, unlike Chanyeol. “You were in a hurry last night.”

At that, Junmyeon glared back at Chanyeol’s nonchalant face before eying the uniform jacket. His fingers gripped at the collar, pulling. “This is Jongin’s.”

Chanyeol’s eyes widened, “hey— I know! I was going to give it back— alright! Alright!”

With a stink eye sent in Junmyeon’s way, Chanyeol let him pulled off the jacket.

Junmyeon could’ve sworn he heard a childish growl, but he didn’t dwell on it, turning to his left where Jongin giggled happily at their bickering. After he helped Jongin into his jacket, Junmyeon took back the cap from Jongin, whispering to the little child, “You keep the jacket. This one is for Appa, okay?”

“ne.” Jongin blushed and turned to Jongdae, who was working with his chopsticks again, trying to feed Jongin.

Junmyeon held back a chuckle, seeing Chanyeol in only his black t-shirt, arms crossed, lips pouting. It shouldn’t be rational to be jealous of his own son, but there Chanyeol was.

He shook the cap a little bit before putting it on top of Chanyeol’s head. The father was startled at the touch, but slowly Junmyeon saw red crept up from the tip of his collarbones up to his neck. Junmyeon stared at Chanyeol’s profile for a while.

“Well, you two get along fine,” Seulgi giggled. “Jongin-appa is a lot sharper nowadays, right?”

Taeyeon nodded, examining Chanyeol’s profile like Junmyeon as well. “Yes, you two have been switching fashion senses, huh?”

True. Chanyeol was wearing black with a cap while Junmyeon was wearing a bright yellow hoodie.

“Looks nice on you, Junmyeon-shi. I don’t mean this in a bad way, but you were a lot scarier back then. Like a bodyguard,” Sunny shyly added, but she worked out the sentence in a flare to keep the mood light.

Junmyeon didn’t mind the statement, simply agreeing.

“Don’t put it on him like that, Junmyeon-shi,” Baekhyun pointed from across the table, mouth full of kimchi. “Turn it around. His hair is poking into his eyes. He can’t see anything.”

Chanyeol still could see properly. Junmyeon had eyes and had been checking him out, but he caught on to Baekhyun’s lead. After examining closer, _why yes!_ The hair on his forehead was pushed down, so Junmyeon reached out to pull at the hard cap and turned it around to Baekhyun words. And Chanyeol looked so adorable with that cap backwards, trying to contain himself in front of everyone.

“Ah… it just occurred to me,” Junmyeon started. “When did you serve, Chanyeol-ah?”

Chanyeol was about to speak, but Baekhyun beat him to it. “He didn’t.”

“I have a bad leg,” Chanyeol explained, feeding himself a radish before continuing. “Fell downstairs when I was young, but it kind of stuck? It’s not as bad as sound though. It only hurts if I do really _really really_ heavy lifting and for a _long_ time. Something like jumping off a high height on a rope… I can’t do that.”

“He didn’t pass the physical test,” Baekhyun added. “It’s for the best though.”

Junmyeon nodded, enamoured at the fact.

“Don’t worry, hyung. I’m still plenty strong,” His left arm came forth right in front of his face, flexing out of the tight t-shirt. Junmyeon shook his head at the attempt.

Days passed, and it got a little easier with the routine of meeting Chanyeol half-way in their little moments. Junmyeon didn’t let it get too far. Simple touches and kind gestures. Pats on the back, on the shoulders. Chanyeol would leave much lingering traces, and Junmyeon did his best to smile and take it calmly.

The old man drooped into himself as he tried his best to explain the situation.

“I … I’m afraid I’ll hurt him if I … we go further,” Junmyeon examined his own hands, his own fingers, afraid of himself.

“Hyung, you’ve never hurt another person during any of your episodes, right?” Yixing asked calmly, sitting from across the table.

Junmyeon had come to Yixing’s place to return the keyboard as it was no longer needed. Though Yixing pushed him to keep it, Junmyeon didn’t want to. Chanyeol would be playing more at school any way, and Junmyeon wished he could listen play piano properly anyway, not on just a keyboard. From there, Junmyeon decided to ask for Yixing’s help.

“No… I’ve dealt with it alone. Chanyeol did try to intervene. I almost hurt him, I think, but he said I was overthinking it.”

“Tell him to stay away next time. From across the room. It doesn’t always mean we have to be up close to calm someone down.”

Junmyeon nodded. He knew that. However, it was him they were talking about.

“Hyung, if you really want to make this work, you have to work with him. It doesn’t have to be immediate either. Maybe, after an episode, after you’re out of it, call out to him. Be around him. He might know a thing or two on how to distract you.”

The air was different in the city.

With fingers barely peeking out of the long sleeves of Chanyeol’s long coat, Junmyeon pulled down the red scarf Chanyeol insisted he put on, breathing out, watching the small steam spill from his cold lips. His body warmed by Chanyeol’s clothes as he walked on the sidewalk, looking around the intricate neighbourhood.

The houses were more compact, less apartment around the area. The park was a bit far from his house, but it wouldn’t be too tired of a walk to get there. His place was along the hill, a decent two-story house. There was a small yard in the front as well, covered in snow. Plenty cosy enough for a family of three in the city.

Closing the gate behind him, Junmyeon stepped through the front door, hanging the long coat and scarf on the coat rack, keeping his shoes on the shoe rack. The first floor, a spacious living room, leading into a kitchen on the further left. On the right was Chanyeol’s room. Junmyeon took a seat on the couch, where the children were watching TV, listening on the movers and Chanyeol working out the details of where things should be on the second floor. Both the twins’ rooms were right in front of one another along with an extra guest room to the side.

This would definitely be ten times easier to breathe for Chanyeol. Then, flashes of Chanyeol rolling around his new bed where the weird sounds came making Junmyeon worried… came to his mind. Awkward to say the least as Junmyeon closed the door the moment Chanyeol saw him looking. He didn’t mean too really. He thought Chanyeol was in trouble.

It came easy cooking dinner for the family of three. Junmyeon didn’t even realize it himself until he was placing the plates down like he had been doing this for a long time. He had been fitting himself into duties that Chanyeol couldn’t get done in time. And Chanyeol seemed to notice it, too. It wasn’t exactly new. Junmyeon had been doing it more in the past months as he got closer to the family, but moving to this new place appeared to put the domestic routine on the spot.

“The housewarming stuff we’ll do later… I still need to finish transferring Jongjongs,” Chanyeol’s cheeks were bright red. It couldn’t have been from moving. They had rested and taken a shower already. Junmyeon wondered if he was getting sick from the cold.

“Are you sick?” Junmyeon already finished his plate, but he sat there with the three, arm reaching out to place on Chanyeol’s forehead.

“I think so… but I’m not really sick yet.” Chanyeol held back a cough. Definitely. Moving around in the cold and still being tired from the weeks of spending hours on trains was a deadly combination.

“I’ll go out and get some meds for you before I leave.” Junmyeon glanced at the clock. 6 pm. Not too late. It wasn’t like Junmyeon could sleep for long either way.

“Hyung, that’s too much,” Chanyeol’s face flared even more, but Junmyeon was more worried that it was the cold.

“Jongin-ah, Jongdae-ah, you want Appa to get sick?” Junmyeon looked to the twins whose eyes were blinking and red, already tearing up. Jongdae was more reserved, but the fear was there while Jongin was whining for them to hear.

“Appa gets really weak. It’s really scary, ahjusshi… I don’t want sick to get Appa,” Jongin shyly spoke down to his plate.

“I’ll go with you, ahjusshi! Let’s go to the pharmacy,” Jongdae jumped in his seat, already running away from the kitchen and waiting for Junmyeon at the front door, pulling his little coat and little ear muffs from the coat rack.

Junmyeon made a look towards Chanyeol who couldn’t really fight back at his children. “Okay, then, you two clean the dishes. Little Dae and I will be back soon. I suppose once I get back, I’ll make some soup for you to reheat in the morning when I’m not here.” Junmyeon got up from the kitchen towards the coat rack.

Chanyeol was complaining, but Junmyeon was already wearing Chanyeol’s coat and scarf again.

“I know how to reheat stuff, ahjusshi!” Jongdae chirped from below. “I watched Appa do it all the time before you came to us.”

“Hyung—” Chanyeol was in his face, pouting, shoulders drooping. Certainly, he didn’t want to be treated like a child, but Junmyeon couldn’t help it, chuckling at the adorable glare he sent downward at him.

“Just wash the dishes, Yeollie.” Junmyeon’s fingers reached up and ruffled his hair, drawing a surprised hiccup out of the flustered father. Maybe, calling him by nicknames might get Junmyeon further in life.

“That’s right! _Just wash the dishes, Yeollie!”_ Jongdae repeated after him, which _may or may not_ have completely ruined the mood and angered the father.

“Yah! Kim Jongdae! Why you, call— me, your own Appa like that? You rude—”

A gasp from his lips when Chanyeol stepped forth into him, and Junmyeon had to outstretch his arms, blocking Chanyeol from actually getting to Jongdae was probably poking his tongue out at his own father. He felt his shoulders warm as Chanyeol’s hand gripped at the flesh and leaning over his body, trying to get to the mischievous twin. When did Jongdae become so daring? And Junmyeon didn’t remember seeing Chanyeol wanting to get his own child this way before. Had the family feud finally started?

“What?! Appa like it when Ahjusshi did it!”

 _Okay!_

Chanyeol’s eyes went a little crazy, and Junmyeon turned to Jongdae and picked him up to his left side, unlocking the front door quickly. “Let’s go, Dae. Jongin-ah, watch your Appa. Make sure the new house doesn’t burn down while we’re gone!”

“Ne!” Jongin’s voice was rarely ever loud, but it was booming this time, and Junmyeon left the house, jogging away happily, giggling with Jongdae in his arms, not waiting for Chanyeol’s reaction, knowing that he had embarrassed him enough for one day.

“Dae-ah, you know appa is going to scold you when you get back,” Junmyeon smiled when Jongdae’s arms pulled at his long red scarf to wrap around his little neck as well.

“But I know ahjusshi is here to protect me,” Jongdae squealed cheerfully when Junmyeon indulged him, twirling around the sidewalk, his little arms stretching out to catch pretty little snow.

This was it. With this, Junmyeon thought he could truly be peaceful. Even the children had faith in him that he would protect them.

As they journeyed down the unfamiliar neighbourhood in the evening snow, Junmyeon answered all questions Jongdae asked as the little twin pointed around the various signs and streets he saw.

_“Just trust him, hyung.”_

Yixing’s word rang loud in his ears as Jongdae hugged his neck on the way home from the pharmacy, singing a cute jingle he learned from TV to impress Junmyeon.

Once Chanyeol’s new house was in view, their journey coming to an end, Junmyeon sighed, a solemn smile.

How could he go home now when he felt like he belonged? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a quick update for a new year's gift? happy new year, people!


	15. Chapter 15

Chanyeol watched the students closely, scanning the room for those who needed help. His senior professor was leading the freshmen class as he paid close attention to the composition he chose to teach and how he broke it all down for the students. Minho had definitely led him to believe differently when he first chose to teach because this was more than just sprouting out his own knowledge of a music score. As Chanyeol became familiar with his colleagues, they were if not some of the best musicians and composers in the country the university had gathered. They weren’t just freelance musicians, looking for a gig. All of these people had won awards and made a name for themselves.

How could he catch up with these great professors if he had been out of the loop for years?

Chanyeol shook his head. Though he did get the job through connections, Chanyeol did owe a lot of Minho, and he wasn’t going to back down just because it was difficult. For months of preparations, Chanyeol had been accompanying other classes and professors, acting as an assistant and observer. When he was dismissed, Chanyeol spent the rest of the day playing the piano alone the auditorium, whenever it was available, of course.

“Park Seonsaeng?” the old professor called out his name, catching Chanyeol by surprise as he was explaining a point a student in the back of the class didn’t catch.

“Yes, Han Seonsaengnim?” Chanyeol tilted as his head at the old man’s playful smile. Even from afar, Chanyeol could tell he was going to get in trouble.

“Would you mind helping me demonstrate my explanations?”

There was this thing called _a_ _recording_ , and Chanyeol was sure that the old man had prepared all his materials, but of course, this was not the first time he was called to be the live puppet.

Chanyeol went along easily, sitting on the piano bench. At least, this class was small, and Chanyeol’s back was facing the student. Since Chanyeol was no longer in the mindset of a performer, facing the audience became a lot more nerve-wracking for him. Chanyeol had to learn quickly on how to get rid of those nerves before he could teach his first session. Settling in quickly, he sight-read the piece as the old professor sang along and told the students of the notes, eliciting the responses to his questions of the composition.

“That’s a nice tone that Park Seonsaeng had just demonstrated.” Chanyeol sucked his lips in, ecstatic that no student could see how much he was blushing. Playing in front of an audience Chanyeol had never get used to. No matter how small the number was, Chanyeol always broke a sweat playing. “Could you show us how different it would sound if your fingers were to be stiff?”

Oh, that was way too easy. Chanyeol’s fingers had been stiff for so long, but practising playing again along with his trusty muscle memories he managed to pick up his old habits once more. However, he knew himself that he wasn’t at his peak as back then. He still missed a few notes and lost track of the rhythms from time to time, but he was getting the hang of it. Unlike the first time he was called to be the demonstrator, Chanyeol didn’t screw up this time. Chanyeol then started playing with rough fingers, pressing the keys too harshly, different from how he had controlled his muscles to gently and fluidly hit the keys.

At lunch, Chanyeol finished eating quickly. Minho and the other professors simply chuckled at him. Chanyeol had been shy at first about practising at school without their knowledge, but unbeknownst to Chanyeol, the new teacher trainee had been gathering an audience in their university auditorium during his practice, and they had decided not to tell him up until a week ago, to which Chanyeol was horrified at such revelations.

“Can’t I bar them from the area?” Chanyeol whined in vain as he got ready to leave.

Minho shrugged.

Chanyeol bowed towards his colleagues who cheered him on, and Chanyeol simply shook his head at the cooing. None of them except for Minho knew that Chanyeol stopped playing at all. They all knew who he was, and Chanyeol disappearing to them was Chanyeol taking a break, focusing on composing music, and raising a family. In their head, Chanyeol was being paranoid about messing up and playing to show off and amuse the students, which was also why they started dragging him around like a puppet in their classes. However, a musician with no instrument would leave a terrible impression, so Chanyeol let them think whatever pleased them. Now that he had moved to a house with more space, he could start renting a grand piano and practice at home instead. For now, Chanyeol took what he could get.

When Chanyeol got to the auditorium, some students were already sitting in the audience seat, and Chanyeol groaned to himself. They weren’t even hiding anymore.

“Yah! Don’t you eat lunch? What are you doing here?” Chanyeol yelled with a smile he couldn’t hide, spooking the youngsters from behind, most of them were girls.

Of course, they simply squealed, telling him they wanted to watch him play.

“You’re not even playing the piano,” Chanyeol tried futilely, looking at the students, most of them, violinists and few pianists.

Chanyeol stared at the sheet with a heavy heart. Moonlight Sonata was the last thing he played on the piano before he left music. It was his most favourite piece for its beauty, but it was also his most hated piece for its inevitability. The first movement was one of the pieces his wife loved to hear him play. The second movement was one of the pieces he always played as a warm-up at home, where his parents and his sister were present in his life. The third movement was the piece he played when he felt the air was punched out of lungs and his wife was no longer present in the world.

That last performance was the most gruelling 15 minutes of his life. Instead of being there at the birth of his twins, Chanyeol was there playing for a grand audience. From the start, he felt strange bile coiling in his guts. He knew it was simply a feeling, but by the third movement, he could hear the flat line piercing through his ears, his heart, forcing the tears he held back since that last painful conversation he had with his wife.

When Chanyeol heard squealing, he was snapped back to the students that were waiting for him to start playing.

Chanyeol chuckled humourlessly to himself as he turned back to the sheets. He had been practising old pieces he had learned enough. This was the only thing left on the list that he hadn’t touched. With deep breaths, Chanyeol hovered his trembling fingers over the keys. It shouldn’t be scary a piece of music sheet. He had been losing himself way too much in preparation with Junmyeon long ago, and even though now playing didn’t hurt as much, this one might actually tear him apart again.

But Chanyeol closed his eyes and clutched his palms closed firmly.

If he wanted to get back to music, this must be overcome.

Then, Chanyeol slowly opened his palms again, his hand no longer trembling.

[The first movement](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbTVZMJ9Z2I). A delicate story of indescribable beauty, mystery and heartbreak. A haunting work Beethoven composed for a love that never came to be. His wife had always loved how beautifully melancholic it was. Whenever she missed his touch and company, she would place the sheet music in front of his face before whatever piece he was playing, ignoring any agency Chanyeol had. And Chanyeol never fought with her on playing it, simply complying, letting her sit close by and lean against his shoulders as he played it for her. At this moment, years later without her, Chanyeol played this slower as than he was used to. Somehow, it felt as if he could feel her next to him as he gently picked up the pieces he’d left behind, and Chanyeol wanted to dwell on it, remembering her pleased hums against his arms, feeling her body pressed close to his. Tears welled in his eyes as the movement came to a close. This was the way it should be. He couldn’t hang on to her anymore. And so, he let himself down slowly as it came to a quiet end.

[The second movement](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dixO0itOAoU). A cheerful time of when things were okay as he practised his playing in his own comfort. A time that his parents did not interfere with his performance as much. A time without the twins coming into the picture. A time when everything was still okay. Chanyeol smiled solemnly throughout. This was only a bridge for connecting the heart-breaking first and violent third movement. A calm before a storm. Chanyeol should’ve known then that it wouldn’t be this easy. His parents had never shown contempt for Jongsoo up until they got married. Chanyeol was happy then, performing and composing. As he focused more on the guitars, wanting to branch out to working on contemporary music and songwriting, Chanyeol had been oblivious to the things happening behind the scenes. He had thought the guitar problem had been behind them all, but Chanyeol was dead wrong, playing the second movement with ignorance of how his parents truly treated his wife behind his back.

[The third movement](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAHYJnerHDI). An unbridled storm raging out of the heart that was caged and tormented. From a tragedy of the first movement born a passionate fury in the last movement. A desperate cry of anguish. Chanyeol still remembered his last tearful performance and how much he forced everything into his body as he felt the guilt of leaving his wife to delivering alone, not being there for his own sons, and losing Jongsoo so abruptly without a proper goodbye. Everything that was forced onto his shoulders the moment the twins came to this world tore his sanity piece by piece. His parents took away his guitar, and strangely Chanyeol let them. His parents roughed his wife up, and stupidly Chanyeol let them, didn’t try hard enough to protect her, his mind focused on getting ready for his performances, unable to look after a pregnant wife properly. It was natural that his most hated piece was stuck in his mind the most. There was no point in turning the music sheet when he already had everything carved into the depths of his mind. This time, Chanyeol let all of his pent-up frustrations out, letting go his regrets, knowing how excruciating it was that he couldn’t take it all back, and allowing the reality of his present wash over him. Unlike the regretful and mournful performance four years ago, Chanyeol played with a determination to conquer his emotions. He would not cry this time, focusing on keeping his fingers light and elegant in the way he played, playing it how it was supposed to be played four years ago. Now was a different time. He would no longer let his emotions get in the way of taking care of his children. Though he missed a few notes and grew restless in his muscles, Chanyeol remembered Junmyeon, the one that came into his life, the one that helped him settled the storm in his past but stirred in a new storm inside him altogether. At once, this storm was raging for a different purpose. Chanyeol grew cathartic of his past and thrilled of his future. He could barely contain his eagerness and wariness of what was to come. He wanted to delve headfirst into Junmyeon’s arms, yet his heart shattered at the thought of them failing, their circumstances heavy with painful pasts. He was sure of what he wanted, yet he was afraid of what might become of him if he fucked up. For a moment, Chanyeol fell into despair, his fingers slipped and roughed a note too hard, piercing his own ears with a throbbing mistake. Then, he was reminded of a promise uttered so heatedly in the quiet space he shared with Junmyeon many nights ago. And Chanyeol was present once more, feeling the zeal coiling in the tips of his fingers as he danced across the keys with memories of deep gazes Junmyeon sent his way, taking pleasure in the fact that Junmyeon was reciprocating his emotions. A storm raged on, and Chanyeol’s mind was muddled on how it would go with Junmyeon beside him. Would he be as gentle and patient as his persona led Chanyeol to believe? Or would he break him in the way a soldier would know how?

Chanyeol blinked, breathing hard, staring blankly as his fingers stopped.

The silence was deafening until—

An onslaught of cheering broke his trance, and Chanyeol turned to the students that were applauding furiously at his performance. It surprised him that he managed to attract more people that even cleaner aunties were in the audience.

One hand on his chest where his heart beat wildly and unrestrained, one hand on his cheek where the blossoms burned brightly and fervently.

 _What was that?_ Chanyeol shivered at his own thoughts spiralling down that way, especially while performing in front of students.

Chanyeol huffed out heated breaths as his fingers dipped into his collars, unbuttoning where the tie constricting his breathing, pulling the tie slightly loose. This was not the break-down Chanyeol expected his mind to face. He was happy that he could play the piece without a hitch in panicking about the past, but … now he was panicking about a different thing altogether.

At home, Chanyeol was unable to look Junmyeon in the eyes as he hid in the bathroom for too long, running the cold shower despite the winter’s bristling chill. Ever since the housewarming party days ago, Chanyeol couldn’t stop thinking about how domestic Junmyeon’s routine with him was. As Junmyeon was in the middle of talking to Baekhyun and petting Jongin’s hair, Chanyeol had excused himself from the scene that he was witnessing. The words Baekhyun had uttered long ago calling them out for looking like a family burned into his skin. Chanyeol had been suffering from a vacant heart without Jongsoo’s presence in his life, and the idea that Junmyeon might fit that empty chasm had been screaming in his head so loud now that he was no longer troubled by his livelihood.

Junmyeon did say that he wanted him to be certain of his emotions. Chanyeol could tell Junmyeon was observing him intimately, waiting for that opening when Chanyeol would be brave enough, certain enough, and confident enough to continue what had been left hanging. So now that Chanyeol had the time to think about it, it only grew terrifying in his mind, realizing the real weight of what their relationship might be. What would the future be like? Would he still be babysitting the twins? How far would they go? The idea of Junmyeon moving in crossed his mind—

“Chanyeol-ah?” Junmyeon’s calm pleasing voice filled his head.

Chanyeol looked from across the table, blinking dumbly at Junmyeon who was watching him with worried eyes.

Would Junmyeon say yes to moving in? But they weren’t even in a relationship yet. They hadn’t even gone on a second date yet. What would the neighbours think if Junmyeon moved in? How was he going to explain to his neighbours? How was he going to explain the twins? **_But_** the idea that Junmyeon, handsome Junmyeon, short and fit, all firm muscles with a pretty face in his bigger body on the same bed, every single day—

“Chanyeol-ah?” Chanyeol didn’t know Junmyeon was already standing over his monkey brain, staring stupidly up at Junmyeon. His rough hand warm and safe on his forehead, and Chanyeol mindlessly licked his lips. “You’re still sick, aren’t you?”

“Oh… Am— am I?” A croak in his deep voice.

“You’re burning up,” Junmyeon’s furrowed eyes brows looked so handsome from down here, oh, dear, how was Chanyeol going to handle him—

“I’m— I’m okay,” Chanyeol shook his head, shyly wrapping his hand around Junmyeon’s surprisingly thick wrist for a shorter male— Chanyeol smiled up at Junmyeon. “I’m fine. I promise. Just been thinking about school.”

Junmyeon wasn’t entirely convinced, but his brows eased regardless. With a sigh and a small smile, Junmyeon patted his back softly before returning to his chair, motioning Chanyeol to finish his food properly. “You’re getting your own class soon, right?”

“Yeah!” Chanyeol nervously chuckled. That must’ve been too quick of an answer, but Chanyeol powered through. “New semester starts in less than two months.”

“I see,” Junmyeon nodded, and for a moment, Chanyeol realized Jongin and Jongdae was eating with them too. Focus! Park Chanyeol! “You’re just teaching extra courses with the other professors. It’s going to be vastly different from a lecture you’ll have to prepare.”

Chanyeol’s hands were washing the dishes, but his brain was concocting everything that might go wrong. Surely, Chanyeol wouldn’t refuse, but what was going to be next? Should he be wearing something fancy? Should they have another date? Well, of course, they should. When should that be? What if he came across as too needy? Junmyeon already pushed him away once even if it was for the best that they took it slow, but what if Junmyeon changed his mind midway and pushed him away for good?

A dish slipped from his hand into the sink, a loud yelp from his own wobbly lips dragged him out of his escalating thoughts.

He must remember Baekhyun’s words that he shouldn’t overthink this. Junmyeon wouldn’t give up on him that easily. Now wasn’t the time to go back on his choices either.

With renewed determination, Chanyeol picked up the fallen dish and roughly and quickly scrubbed into it.

“Ah… Chanyeol-ah, I told you I’d do the dishes,” Junmyeon was behind him. For small he was, Junmyeon always managed to drown Chanyeol in his presence. 

He protested. Junmyeon had done enough for today. Junmyeon’s hand placed gently on his back, and Chanyeol almost threw the dish out of the sink. Since that night, his touches brought both relief and frustration in his rapidly regressing frog brain. He craved more for the reprieve, but he also didn’t want more, for he feared he might break beneath them. Junmyeon must know of this, of what he was doing, of what he was capable of doing. He was getting more comfortable simply guiding Chanyeol around, soothing him with tender touches as if to let Chanyeol know that he was beside him if needed. But what Chanyeol wanted to believe was a promise of more just friendly touches. Was Junmyeon reassuring him in comradeship that they would be good friends now that was more natural skinship between them? Or was there something more?

Chanyeol watched in silence how Junmyeon put on his winter coat and opened up his black umbrella. Must time go on as he tried to build up the courage and tell Junmyeon to stay? All he had to do was grab him by the arm and plead for him. Chanyeol knew that this time Junmyeon would comply, but his lips weren’t cooperating, biting nervously as he blinked at Junmyeon bowed slightly as a goodbye.

The older stared at the snow falling, opening his palm out to feel the snow melting into the hand Chanyeol yearned to hold closer. Junmyeon opened his umbrella and turned back to smile a handsome good night smile for Chanyeol one last time before he stepped into the winter night. Not yet, Chanyeol told himself as Junmyeon’s footsteps dipped into the snow. His body grew smaller as he got out, closing the front gate behind him, drifting away from his sight. And Junmyeon could feel his gaze even from here, looking back with an exasperated breath from where he stood. The older motioned for him to close his door or Chanyeol would get sick, Chanyeol saw the words on Junmyeon’s cold red lips. He sheepishly waved back in apology as a reply before closing his door, leaning against it, wishing Junmyeon would just hold him down against it instead.

No. Chanyeol would need to invite him for dinner first, just the two of them. All of this time, they rarely get to be alone anymore. And though they did talk, they’d never talked about what they were besides being neighbours or now simply as a good friend and babysitter.

He laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, stretching his arms out to his sides. How big this space was surrounding him. How empty this bed was without another in his arms.

He had the mind to sleep in futons back in the apartment, but he always hated how spacious the floor was. Chanyeol simply forced himself onto the couch because that closeness was comforting him in his sleepless nights. He had grown so accustomed to holding his wife and being held by her since they moved in with one another in their college years. Overnight, that warmth was gone just like that, and Chanyeol didn’t want to sleep in a bed anymore. Even when the first days he moved here, Chanyeol had slept on the couch out in the living room, afraid to be cold and alone in the bedroom.

Now, here he was clutching on to the blanket that covered him but failed to comfort him as he thought of his space being crowded by Junmyeon. He was getting used to it again, sleeping on the bed. Alone. Chanyeol had to endure it. Junmyeon was doing the same after all, letting him steal glances and touches even though it must’ve troubled Junmyeon quite a lot. He wasn’t as comfortable with the touches, but he was trying, so Chanyeol must do the same in holding back.

In the morning Chanyeol focused on following the old professor’s requests and played accordingly as usual. During lunch, however, Chanyeol was flooded with compliments and playful jeers of his emotional performance of Moonlight Sonata from his colleagues. Wait, it was recorded without his consent. Those students, he was going to—

“I must say it was completely different from the last performance you did,” Minho nodded in amusement.

“You missed so many notes, Park Seonsaeng,” the old professor chuckled from the other table, and Chanyeol rubbed into his furrowed brows in embarrassment.

“It— it wasn’t supposed to be a performance. It was practice, Han Seonsaengnim.”

“Still, this interpretation is so much _more_ ,” Nora, his female colleague pointed out, staring in fascination at him like he was an animal in a zoo. “The tempo in the first movement was slower, more like a nostalgic lullaby rather than a purely sorrowful story. The second movement you played it so cheerfully and swiftly. You improvised and changed up in the third movement, adding so much dynamic. It’s— it’s …”

“Beautiful?” Minho added in question, to which Nora simply huffed.

“More than _that_. Words can’t describe how passionate Park Seonsaeng played it.”

“It’s nothing, Seonsaengnim. I kept messing it up anyway, kept getting distracted,” Chanyeol didn’t want to draw attention. He honestly didn’t fully remember what had happened yesterday, except for the strange emotional end to the sonata he didn’t expect.

“Distracted?” Minho’s brows raised. “You were into it the whole time. Check out your own video. The students posted it on YouTube already.” Damn those kids to eternity. On second thoughts, no. But still.

“Calling it an emotional roller-coaster would be an understatement,” Nora added dreamily, still staring at him, and Chanyeol cleared his throat and continuing eating his japchae regardless.

“Chanyeol-ah, you always played it by book. No matter how passionate, you still kept to tradition,” Minho nonchalantly stated as he finished his lunch. “I was your senior. I know how you played. Yesterday was different. You _improvised_.”

“Improvising isn’t a good thing anyway,” which was true. Improvising a classical piece was blasphemous. Messing up and missing keys added to that blasphemy. It was a wreck of a performance. Then again, Chanyeol wasn’t looking for praises. He was simply playing to get it out of his system.

“But that’s the point. I’ve never seen you played so freely before,” Minho stressed, and Chanyeol had to pause himself as well. “Plus, to quote our beloved Beethoven himself, _to play a wrong note is insignificant; to play without passion is inexcusable_.”

Nora rolled her eyes at his speech. “I agree with Beethoven, but do you always have to make things so cheesy, Minho-shi?”

Chanyeol spaced out, thinking about the way he played yesterday. He certainly finished according to the structure, but he did lengthen the third movement by one quarter since his mind was still reeling in so much thought of Junmyeon. That day, he didn’t go to the auditorium, locking himself in the bathroom with earphones re-watching himself play. Unlike the 15-minute performance he _usually_ played back in the past as a performer, especially at the end of his career, Chanyeol played it for 18 minutes. And it was true to Minho’s words. Lacking in professionalism, the performance he offered, and yet there was so much unrestraint emotion to it. Chanyeol knew that he was always giving his all and made his emotions as transparent as possible in the way he played, but those emotions had mostly been fabricated with a layer of well-practised professionalism on top. This time, there really was so much more. His whole body was loose and swaying into the keys. Even he himself had never seen himself breathed so much life into a piece before, specifically Moonlight Sonata. It started with a calm acceptance of lost and gradually turned passionate instead of vengeful like the past. Without the mind of a perfect performer, Chanyeol simply focused on the reality he wanted to convey.

Once more, it scared him. Chanyeol realised how much he was feeling for Junmyeon, finally understanding why exactly he was hesitating so much. If he lost Junmyeon, he would be spiralling down again. Certainly. Losing his wife took so much out of his soul, losing Junmyeon might actually shatter him completely.

Playing the piano still haunted him, of course. Watching himself play like this still triggered those times he tore into his own body for messing up. Chanyeol slumped on the toilet seat, feeling the heat crawling uncomfortably on his back. So far, not thinking about the audience and playing only to himself had been calming and enough to take his mind off his past perfectionist impulses.

The overwhelming fear as he approached a piano was still in his mind. Even now as Chanyeol walked through rows of grand pianos, choosing which one to rent and buy, he felt the past still haunting him, hours of painful practice and self-harm plaguing his mind, the loss of his wife reminded him of how much darkness still lurked within those keys.

But reflecting back on that performance, Chanyeol looked at the piano in a new light. The pain and fear would always be there when he played, especially more so with the past.

However, he reminded himself that he was no longer trying to impress an audience. He was there for a stable ground to stand on and raise his children. Not out of anguish and shame he would be playing, but out of necessity and passion for teaching. He would be simply playing to help students a level of proficiency in music. It wouldn’t be just the piano. He would get to talk about the compositions as he taught them, helping them understand the emotional story and history behind them. He wouldn’t have to deal with his parents’ insistent of being perfect anymore. His colleagues’ criticisms would mean little if he wasn’t truly performing. After all, he was looking at a sheet, and compared to them, he still got the talent to play if he had to, but he would have to deal with his break-downs. It wasn’t just the performance anymore.

As Chanyeol watched in pride at the old professor teaching the freshmen on how to appreciate music more, he knew this would be where he could reside for a long time.

Perhaps, this was the lesson Chanyeol wanted to teach. To play passionately and help his students overcome the fear of playing as he was going through himself.

“Hyung,” Chanyeol sat, slightly nervous in his piano seat. Now that this black grand piano was in a room next to his, it felt almost imposing that he shared a space with this instrument once more. Though he had been better picking up the guitar, the piano was different. Junmyeon was close by, standing beside the piano. Chanyeol stared up at the worried look on his face and smiled, his heart throbbed knowing that Junmyeon cared and would come to his side if he called, so Chanyeol did. “I’ve been playing a lot at school… I’m getting better, so you don’t have worry.” Junmyeon sighed, unconvinced. Chanyeol chuckled, patting his left side of his seat for Junmyeon join him. “What do you want to hear me play?”

Junmyeon reluctantly joined his seat. So much written in his eyes asking if he was okay, if he needed to hold him. Chanyeol wanted more than just that, but he held it to himself. Not yet. “What is comfortable for you?”

“It’s fine, hyung. Just tell me what you want to hear,” Chanyeol placed his hands on the keys, playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star playfully and softly, only for the two of them to hear, as to not distract the children doing their homework out in the living room.

[Clair de Lune](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVJsEKbz3S0), Junmyeon had said. Chanyeol had been playing that one quite a bit at school when he thought he was alone. It was one of his favourites. A melody not of sadness but rather of mellow catharsis after dealing with the heartache. Chanyeol was lost, not in the melody, but rather in Junmyeon’s expressions as his eyes closed in savouring the music Chanyeol was playing, his lashes trembled ever so lightly, his lips parted mesmerised at the moment. It reminded him of how Jongsoo would stay by his side, a time he was happiest. And now, Junmyeon was beside him, unknowing of how he was getting closer to Chanyeol by the second as he played. Chanyeol grinned sheepishly to himself and watched his own fingers danced, relishing in the warmth with Junmyeon next to him.

Was there any need to hesitate anymore?

Junmyeon was on his doorstep, blinking up at the sudden heavy snow in the late evening, hissing at the cold wind forcing its way into Chanyeol’s home.

“This is unexpected…” the older muttered with those rosy lips—

Wait! An opening! Park Chanyeol, this was it. “It’d be too cold walking in that much snow,” Chanyeol feigned his natural response, hiding his shifty eyes from Junmyeon, looking up the snow in shock. 

Junmyeon hummed in agreement. “I don’t think I could see anything out there this late.”

“Um… how about staying?” Junmyeon raised a brow at Chanyeol’s question, but Park Chanyeol did not mean to be mischievous. No. He wanted to help. No other intentions, of course. Park Chanyeol wouldn’t do anything else. Park Chanyeol was a gentleman, first and foremost. “I don’t want you to get sick, hyung. You forced me last time to sit still while you went out in the snow and bought me meds. Now, I get to force you to stay.”

“Oh,” Junmyeon’s lips broke into a bright smile and laughed at his reasoning. A whisper under his cold breath, “Bold. I like it.”

Chanyeol had to blink, once, twice, and ask himself what he meant by that. Did he hear that correctly— Park Chanyeol, focus! “You can stay in the guest room. Come on, now. You’re getting cold.”

And that was how Chanyeol managed to stuff Junmyeon into his huge white tee. Well, to him, it wasn’t that big, but on Junmyeon, he looked so _so smaller_ , and Chanyeol couldn’t contain his— Damn it! Guest! Hospitality, first and foremost!

Chanyeol stood at the door of the guest room, watching Junmyeon drying his hair from his shower. It was more than the idea of his possessions being owned by Junmyeon. He thought Junmyeon was saying something but came to register the fact that he was looking at Junmyeon being fresh and unguarded out of the shower for the first time in a long time since they bathed the twins together. He looked so at peace with how relaxed he was after the shower, and Chanyeol thought this was a good look on him. It was a rare sight. Seeing Junmyeon tensed and stressed out because of his episodes always gnashed at his fragile heart. Anything he could do to ease him those troubles Chanyeol would.

“Chanyeol-ah?” it was Junmyeon’s hand that waved in front of him as Chanyeol stared at Junmyeon’s soft unkempt hair, brushing against his forehead.

Chanyeol yawned as an excuse to himself failing to function properly and definitely not because of Junmyeon. “Ah… what I was going to say was don’t worry about disturbing me. If you have any problem, knock on my door and wake me up, hyung.”

“Oh?” There was a sceptical look on Junmyeon’s face.

“Hey— that’s not what I meant— I, um, like, if you were to… your …” Chanyeol was sweating because he realized too late at how his _subconscious_ was slipping and showing. “If you’re having troubles with your episodes, you know?”

Junmyeon, being the teasing one he was, chuckled. “I didn’t say anything,” he sounded so calm as well, the muscles in his shoulders seemed loose, the way he laughed was without restraint or stress. It was so different from the neighbour he had first met, so guarded and uncomfortable in his skin most of the time. “Good night, Chanyeol-ah.”

“Yeah, good night, hyung.” Chanyeol breathed out with a sleepy smile, hoping some of his worries would slip away as Junmyeon returned the gesture. However, it seemed as though more crept on to his skin and dug into his lungs the moment he let out a shaky breath.

Chanyeol stepped away first, venturing back downstairs so that Junmyeon could see him go and close his door.

This was good.

Any step no matter how small was a step taken, and Park Chanyeol was proud enough to give himself a cookie from the fridge, from Jongdae’s cookie packet. At this point, he was eating too much of his children’s stuff. Why did he keep blaming the twins for his own mistake? Didn’t matter, he’d buy more anyway because one small step such as this was one giant leap for Park Chanyeol.

It shouldn’t be this exciting, yet Chanyeol’s legs were shaking as he sat alone in his new piano room. It wasn’t the first time Junmyeon slept over. He had been invading his space for a long time that Chanyeol grew familiar. Chanyeol remembered so vividly that day he woke to Junmyeon peacefully snoozing on his chest. He had held back the urge to brush away the loose strands of his hair. Any part of Junmyeon Chanyeol wanted to touch. All this time, Chanyeol didn’t dare reach out first knowing how upset Junmyeon had been when he tried to comfort him. All Chanyeol could do was simply be the receiving end at the moment. Fingers tracing his veins, his neck, pulling gently on the hair on his nape. The strong arm holding him close to soothe his doubts. Protective hold as they walked side by side. Even days ago when Junmyeon’s hand floated above his head fingers tousling his hair for the first time as if Chanyeol was the child that needed the consolation.

Chanyeol sighed. Time to put the children to sleep.

When he stepped into Jongdae’s room, Junmyeon already was there, putting him to sleep. Chanyeol didn’t interrupt, watching in silence, hoping to see more of this.

“Sorry,” Junmyeon whispered as he finished tucking Jongdae to bed when Chanyeol came to kiss Jongdae’s hair good night as well. “He noticed I was here and came knocking. I couldn’t refuse.”

“It’s okay, hyung. Good night, Dae.”

Jongdae mumbled sleepily to himself a good night and hugged his blankets close.

“Let’s go to Jongin’s room then,” Chanyeol spoke softly, trying not to look at Junmyeon too much.

Chanyeol smiled in secret as he walked behind Junmyeon towards Jongin’s room. Soft hair, snowy nape, broad shoulders, deceptively small body in his white tee. Chanyeol leaned against the wall for a moment before going to Jongin’s bed, taking a breather.

Jongin giggled softly underneath Junmyeon’s hand, and Chanyeol stared in wonder at the hand.

“I love you, ahjusshi,” Jongin mumbled shyly as he laid in bed, and it stopped Junmyeon in his petting while it took Chanyeol out of his trance. “Thank you for the blanket.”

Junmyeon laughed a nervous laugh as he pinched Jongin’s cheeks, “Stop thanking me for it. You earned it, Jongin-ah.”

“Good night, ahjusshi.”

“Good night, Jongin-ah.” Junmyeon paused. “I … good night.”

Chanyeol joined on the other side of the bed and kissed Jongin good night, drawing a happy sigh from the child. “Good night, Nini.”

“Night night, Appa. I love you.” Chanyeol felt his heart shudder in adoration, almost forgetting how much it hurt every time his children said it to him. Jongin always knew how to catch him off guard with his declarations, and Chanyeol understood why Junmyeon was so taken aback. In fact, Chanyeol hadn’t heard Jongin and Jongdae said it for a long time, making all the prouder and happier Chanyeol feel at the moment.

“I love you, too, my sweet nini.”

They stood outside Jongin’s bedroom.

Chanyeol smiled at the flustered man before him. “Thank you for putting them to bed. I apologize if they trouble you.”

“No, no. Not at all. They’re wonderful.”

A beat of silence. The father hesitantly pointed downstairs. “I guess, good night, again, hyung.”

“Right… Good night, Chanyeol-ah.”

Maybe, Junmyeon was getting there. Seeing how the older walked off quietly and closing his door gently, Chanyeol knew that without words, Junmyeon cared for his children. Perhaps, Junmyeon may never go any further than this, and though it did break his heart at such thought, Chanyeol was still grateful that Junmyeon helped him get this far. Whatever happened next, it must be Chanyeol’s turn now to reassure Junmyeon his place in the future, next to him, in his family. As he tucked himself into bed, Chanyeol grew warm at the thought of welcoming another to his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry, not sorry for making chanyeol go crazy. well, priorities, guys!


End file.
